Day 3: Scooter Accident

Day 3

Fucking hanging when I woke up. Sand all over the bed, taste of Thai whiskey and pancakes in my mouth and a fat Thai naked next to me. Mo had slept on the beach because Henry had taken his bed with the bird, and Jonny had spent the morning trying to catch a fish in a cup, and whilst we were all sleeping he'd decided to get a wedge haircut (a marginal improvement on the bowl he was sporting, but still a poor chop). I took Ball into the shower, covered her in shampoo for some reason and started kissing her and ended up with shampoo in my mouth and eyes. I got around this problem and threw a couple of moves and surprised myself with my own strength when I picked her up and pressed her against the tiled wall for the money shot. Off she went, making me promise that I'd see her tonight.

Breakfast. A banana milkshake and a full English- my plan to shed weight this trip is unlikely to happen, although I'm blaming my bloated gut on the IBS stored up.

Harry looks like a cockney gangster (/his dad) in his gold rimmed glasses and Jonny looks like a right cunt with his wedge cut and already burnt nose.

The Scooter Accident (as described by Harry)

Jonny and Harry went to a bike shop and handed over their passports and a deposit for the 2 scooters. Jonny who has never driven in his life, and probably never will, jumped on the scooter in a packed street, turned the handle to accelerate and sped off, his feet spread out, screaming, his wedge cut blowing in the wind, skidding past a mother and her young child ('Here man watch ooot' he screamed nearly hitting the kid), round a corner at full pace, and nearly into a shop window before he bailed off the scooter burning his foot and leg and damaging the scooter- all in view of the woman who had just lent it to him. So there goes his deposit.

Sitting on the beach, watching him in pain turned me on. I just wanted to put sand and sea water on it. I'm glad I followed my instinct and didn't get on a bike with him.

Jonny put a spray-on plaster, and his reaction was brilliant. Screaming at the top of his voice as he patched up the open wound across his leg. Some guy offered him valium for the pain, which he considered before politely declining.

So we left Jonny on the bed (he'd decided to try and keep a diary- fuck knows what that will turn out given he can't really read or write), and we drove across the island. I was a bit scared on the back of Harry's scooter, but given he'd probably get his dad to see me killed ('feed me to the fakin fish') if I complianed, I just kept my mouth shut.

There were little shops sparesely spread across the island with old Thai women gathered in the entrances. The roads are lined with palm trees and skitzy dogs run after your scooter. The air was warm and fresh and made you feel alive.

Easy Bar. Played nothing but reggae. We sat there, slouched back on cushions and sipped milkshakes and Changs and had nothing to worry or think about.

As we were sitting there, Bob Marley lightly playing in the background, on the horizon a black mass spread across the sky. It started moving towards us, and the whole sky turned dark blue then purple and black, and next thing the waves started builing up, and came right up to where we were sitting and Thai men were running around putting barriers up and covering up their shops. Coconuts started falling from the trees and the black cloud picked up speed, and the waves grew, a Thai man got swept ashore on his boat. We sat under a bamboo shade listening to reggae, watching the monsoon come in. It's the best thing I've seen so far this holiday. It lasted for about twenty minutes, huge raindrops hitting us and the wind blowing sand and water everyhwere, then there was a loud crack and the cloud lifted to blue sky and on the reggae went.

We picked up Jonny who'd managed two sentences in the diary and hyked up to High Bar. It really is fucking high. I was on the back of Harry's scooter and about half way up the hill (which was more like a mountain) we started to swerve and slow down and I could feel myself slipping off and he was heading to a wall and probably the breaking of my left leg, so I hopped off the back and was chased up the hill by foaming dogs.

The bar looked across the entire bay. The sun was setting deep red, and we had some weed and got two morons to roll us a joint. They were the typical wankers from London who thought if you took Ket somebody should suck your dick. It was people like them why I'd hated uni so much in first year, so I just closed my eyes mid convo and kipped.

A little stoned we went back to Lotus Bar, where Ball (the Thai bird) was lingering with a group of friends. She wasn't too bad, but my cock was sore from sandy handys and toothy blowies, and I get the worst post ejaculatory guilt and never want to see girls I've fucked again, so she got pied. She followed me around, in her fucking straw hat. There's a fair chance I'll marry her when I'm here, and we'll die of AIDS together.

We passed a woman who had face planted the floor in a scooter accident and lost most her cheek ('Not the fucking face you bitch'). This only made me more nervous of sitting on the back of Harry's scooter. It was quite an early night, and we lay on our beds, playing Pro Evo on the PSP and listening to the rain outsider and the big Dutch bastard next door get a footjob or maybe a thigh job off his Thai bride, and slept.