A day in the sun oiled up, little bits of burger regurgitating every now and then. Tried to swim the length of the beach. It's about a mile long. I made a pretty good go at it, maybe made 400m until the fitness kicked in. A woman started swimming out towards me, shouting and waving. I stopped and let her get a bit closer, she was about 6 foot, iron jaw, tits out, which looked fake, chiseled abs and clearly wasn't a woman.
She got within about 10 metres of me and then dove under the water and disappeared. Then she popped up out of the water right in front of my face, like a big fucking ladyboy mermaid, and tried to mount me. I had no idea what she was saying so I bailed at full pace, my superb calves propelling me out of the water, and I ran back towards the hotel. (It's called Time Out, it's right on the beach. I'd recommend it. It's ran by giggly girls and they let you off when you bring a pro back. And they do a Ferrero Rocher ice cream which you have to try.)
Thai Massage.
Only the second of the trip. (I'm not including the one in Koh Tao as it didn't result in me prematurely ejaculating after 45 seconds). Me, Henry and Jonny went. It was down a back alley, it had a name like 'Happy Hands' or 'Magic Hands' and had neon pink signs with pictures of men with huge grins across their faces.
We were led up a flight of dimly lit narrow stairs, past closed doors and moans, to the top floor, which was a small room with 5 curtained booths. One of them was occupied, and as we entered we heard a mixture of a growl and cry from the closed booth. The growling continued and ended with some whispers from the Thai woman, before she left to wash her hands. I caught a glimpse of an old man with long white hair spread out across his naked tanned chest.
Me and Henry named the England 98 team whilst getting wanked off. Henry was a lot better at it than me. Me and Henry joined the 'minute-long club', which is depressing after you've just handed over the money. They just have such good technique and the pace they do it with the oil, wow, and then they stare in your eyes and don't speak, and it kind of turns you on more.
Jonny, on the other hand, couldn't finish. It didn't help that me and Henry were now watching him get beat off and making him laugh. But his little stump just wouldn't get erect. What a fat penis he has. To try and put him off we started talking to him about Tim Carter, his ex goalkeeper coach, ex because Tim recently hanged himself from a tree. Then we got on about his sister, calling her a complete whore (which she is) and it went on like that for a while before his semen slowly dribbled onto her hand and we made our way back the hotel.
Ended up going to see 'Transformers 2' in the cinema. It was a challenge to sit through 2 hours of it. Piss poor. The only funny moment, was when Jonny, whose feet fucking stank, hurried off to the bathroom in an attempt to wash them in the sink. So as he had his foot raised to the sink, 3 Thai men in there pissing and watching him, he slipped back and cracked his head and back on the tiled floor. So he was gone for about 20 minutes, returning and shouting 'Here man, you'll never fucking believe what happened, fell on the floor, fucking knacked, fucking cunt'. Most people in the cinema were turning around listening to him, disgusted by the talking merecat, the spluttering moron, the stupid keeper.
Phi Phi tomorrow.
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