Day 19: Amari Watergate

We packed into a taxi, Mo swilled us with a curry he'd bought as he tried to climb in and we sped off towards the Amari Watergate. The taxi driver was like all the others we've had this trip. He kept turning around talking to us, fake Barcelona top on, leaning out the window swearing, swerving between cars, screaming and laughing. We got across the city in minutes.

The hotel was a modern grey skyscraper, next to it were slums. People lay about exhausted on the side of the road, some without arms, others with their eyes put out, begging for money. We gave them fuck all and marched into the 5 star hotel.

The reception was all marble with flower displays and a fountain. Men in suits stood around waiting for business appointment, and the 5 of us had strutted in wearing shorts and flip-flops. It really was a luxury hotel. Henry had kept going on about how we 'needed to treat ourselves', and he was right. Our rooms were on the 22nd floor, overlooking the whole of Bangkok.

We made our way to the pool and spa, where we sat lazed about in the late afternoon sun and then went in the steam room, wanked in the showers (which were the best showers I've ever been in, with a choice of three different shower gels, and lemon scented conditioner- perfect for a bit of lube).

We were 'famine', as Jonny would say, so we headed back to the shopping mall we'd been to on the first day. It's called Siam Paragon. The food court has everything and we spent an hour eating all we could. It took ages to get there, because a gook sent us the wrong way, all because we'd refused to get in his tuc-tuc. We found ourselves sweating, walking through packed markets, in the complete wrong direction. He was the only gook I'd met this trip who I can remember thinking was a complete cunt. (I'd say I apologise for the casual use of the word 'gook' throughout, but it wouldn't be sincere).

My IBS reached a new high. The food I ate came back out my arse, partially digested. A pool of tomato and noodles floating around in the toilet water.

Went to see Public Enemies at the cinema. It was average. The cinema was like a fucking hotel though. I went for another shit, in the end cubicle before the film, and the person in the cubicle next to me was having a wank. He had the magazine on the floor, and I could see the reflection of his face in the marble tiles. He was biting his bottom lip and absolutely going for it.

Back at the hotel we found a note stuck to our door. It read 'Divies on Tour, Myself and Imran are here, staying in room 1006 on the 10th floor. Hoped to surprise you. Pity. Find us if you haven't gone out already. On it to vomit freshers.'

So we met up with Imran and Oscar, but we were all too tired to go out. Not even the thought of a relaxing handy could get me out of bed. And that was our last night in Thailand.