Day 10: Elephants, Monkeys and Snakes

A McDonalds breakfast did not make the 7am wake up any better. We sat around in the morning sun eating a greasy burger and drinking cheap sugary orange juice, waiting for the bus to come. It arrived, and there was one other couple sitting there- a pig and his pro. He was about 65, pale faced, a pink denim baggy shirt, worn from years of wear, denim hot pants exposing his veiny saggy legs, sparse hairs spiraling up towards his shriveled cock and a thick grey moustache. His pro was older than usual, around 30, with a tired face and maybe a bruise on her lip.

We headed off for our adventure day. All we wanted was a little bit more sleep, but the tour guide- an attractive young Thai lady, smart, with a wide smile, and died red hair- kept talking on the microphone about the culture. After about half an hour I was awake and some of the things she said were quite interesting. She loved a joke about sex or death.

The first stop was the monkey caves. Loads of monkeys. You bought bananas and nuts and stood there and they climbed up you and took it from your hands. It probably wasn't safe, but Harry got involved and at one point was surrounded by monkeys, one on his head, another on his arm and one climbing up his shirt.

Then we made our way into the rainforest. The air was thick and humid, black bugs buzzed and landed on us. According to Dr. Virgin, for every 100 metres squared in a rainforest there are over 35,000 species of animals. We went on a minor trek through the forest, looking out for leaches and snakes. Jonny couldn't have been sweating much more. It was hard to breath in the air, and our backs were caked in insects, sweat and blood from where they'd been biting us.

Then there was the sound of water and we came out at a waterfall and a pool of freezing fresh water. We all went in swimming over to the waterfall and climbing up a slippy muddy bank before jumping off it. It took Jonny a while to come in, he was sure that there'd be some pythons swimming about.

After dossing in the water, we were taken further into the forest to a herd of elephants. Small Thai men waited around with bamboo sticks which they hit the elephants with. It seemed a bit cruel. I took the short straw and sat with a Belgian girl, who happened to be an acrobat in a circus. That was about the only thing she told me. She was skinny and I could see the outline of her left nipple if I looked long and carefully.

The elephants had thick hairy backs with scars from years of being whipped. They slowly walked along the banks of the river deeper into the forest. Mo and Harry's elephant went off the track for a bit, and the little Thai boy started panicking as it headed towards the edge of the slope. It would have been a funny sight seeing Mo fall to his death, but the Thai boy steered it back onto the path. Then the boy jumped off and told me I could ride it, so I slipped down from the seat and sat on its neck, and held onto its ears and kind of steered it in the general direction the boy was pointing.

Lunch. It was a feast. Bowls of steaming sticky rice and noddles with green beans and black pepper sauce, and deep fried chicken with sweet chili sauce and fresh coconut and chicken curry and fish cooked with pineapple and coriander.

It was a perfect lunch, but the white water rapids soon made us feel sick. 5 of us got on a raft that was meant for 4, and each were given an oar. Some crazy fucking gook instructor was in charge, and he really was mental. Before anybody else had set off he was powering ahead shouting orders at us and laughing and screaming. He forced us off course into the faster rapids and water was coming into the raft and we were all holding on. Jonny's oar nearly put my teeth out, I ripped a toenail off on the bottom of the raft, the instructor directed us at full pace into the side of a cliff, we all flew into each other and nearly fell out and we kept rowing over rocks. There was a snake coiled up in a tree above us and he deliberately slowed down and batted the tree trying to get it to fall into the raft. The look on Jonny's face when he saw the great big yellow snake was memorable. When we eventually stopped Jonny was too scared to even put a foot in the water.

We slept on the bus back, all exhausted, we'd had an adventure day out and felt like twelve year olds again. Only thing is, twelve year olds don't head back to their hotel with the sole view of rimming a pro that night.

The fucking morons who advertise the Thai boxing keep going past our window- 'Tonight Tonight Tonight Bangla Boxing Stadium. Bangla Boxing Stadium. Martial Arts. Tonight. Tonight. Most Dangerous in World. Tonight.'

FUCK OFF. Over and over again the same fucking siren and loudspeaker.

The night wasn't the best. The meal was expensive and didn't fill me and Henry dragged us to Limelight club, which was dead apart from a group of drunk British girls who quickly got snapped up by some arabs in there. So we sat with cheap watered down vodka and moaned. Then we went to a club full of pros, but I was sober and tired and it all seemed a bit dirty and the music was wank. So we left and on the way home I couldn't help but have the Double Big Mac meal with extra large fries. 1000 calories in the burger alone. So my fitness plans were scrapped again, and I spent the night squirting out greasy shit in the toilet.