Day 13: Sharks

Mel woke me up early to say goodbye. I was still drunk and didn't understand that she was leaving, so I just took the kiss and turned over. When I woke up a few hours later, she was gone, and I'd never see her again.

Steaming hangover which wasn't helped by the sun and a banana boat. The banana boats in Thailand aren't like the ones I've been on in Spain. To begin with the bay we were going into was called 'Shark Bay'. I thought he'd just take us to the edge of the bay, but no, he went about a mile out into the dark blue water. Secondly the life jackets weren't really life jackets, they were ripped and didn't float anymore, and were all too small. Then six of us crammed onto a boat that only held five, so there wasn't enough handles. And we had another crazy gook in charge. I swear all gooks are fucking nuts. This one was determined to make us come off at full pace.

Mo had an open gash on his leg, and my toe was bleeding from where I'd laced a rock drunk last night. I couldn't stop thinking about that scene in The Beach (which we'd watched last night before going out) where they get their legs and stomach ripped off by the shark. So naturally I was scared. It was fun though. We all came off about 30 metres from each other and were alone in the water. With my gut I'm surprised the sharks didn't mistake me for a big juicy seal. We all swam as quickly as we could back to the boat and clambered on. Towards the end of the ride, Oscar and Henry teamed up and threw a few jabs to my ribs and caught me with an elbow to the jaw which knocked me off the back of the boat. I managed to pull Mo off with me, but sharks don't like the taste of Paki, so I was lucky to survive.

After a workout on the banana boat, it was lunch, which never fucking came. The Thai men were just smoking and lying back in the sun listening to Bob Marley and didn't fancy cooking our burgers. Jonny blurted out 'Here man I'm famine'. 'Famine'. Sometimes he shocks us with his stupidity. There are hundreds of things he said which just I've forgotten. He's like a infantile retard who can't really talk properly.

Missing lunch was made up for by having a large dinner. We were getting a bit sick of Thai food, as we all had the shits, so we went to a sort of American diner where they served Oreo milkshakes and I had chicken with tomato sauce and stringy melted Parmesan. It was cheap and tasted good.

On the walk home, I passed by the food stalls which were shut for the night. A huge rat, with thick brown and grey hair was scurrying amongst the packs of noodles, and chewing into a bag of rice. It put me off food for a while. In Thailand you've got to just ignore those sort of things though. Like in Bangkok we happily ate chicken skewers on the street even though we could see it wasn't really cooked and there were flies all over it.

I got a bit low about Mel. I say low, I was turned on and after a quick wank didn't really think about her. But I did like (love) her and I'd probably have married her if she'd have let me.

I hope Oli chokes on his sick tonight. The wanker is probably making perfect tender love to his bird right now. I thought about this for a while, lying on my sand and jizz covered bed reading, and got a bit of a semi. It was a quiet sort of night and nothing really happened.

Jonny managed to knock up a healthy bill on his phone. He was texting a young girl from Newcastle. I'll use her real name- Charlotte Mak. I've got to say she is fairly attractive, got that gook look about her as well, which will make it hard not to want to spit in her face. Turns out after we got back, Jonny took this Charlotte bird to the cinema twice, the fucking Hancock museum, for a walk along Hadrian's Wall and to meet his granny. Fucking bamp. And he didn't even get a handy or wet his fingers. So it was probably worth the bill he knocked up texting her.