Day 2: Koh Tao

Day 2

The room was filled with condoms and stank of cock when I walked in. Jonny and Henry were both naked on the bed, their girls gone. Henry's condom split, one can only hope that means AIDS.

We got a tuc-tuc through the city, five of us crammed into the back. Jonny on the floor, his arse being burnt by the engine that was just below him. Jonny was on fire with his stupidity- 'What are those things called you send home? Postcodes?'

We made our way to a shopping mall, which stood out in the landscape next to all the poverty. It was a modern thing with designer (trendy) shops, and pigs were walking around with their young Thai birds hanging off their arms, looking at lingerie for the night's action. Broose bought about 1000 deep fried bananas, which Jonny later offered to a black bird.

Waited around in the dark and humid 'guff toxic' (Jonny) night for two hours. Restless and tired, spots on our faces from all the grease, not looking forward to an overnight bus ride with our bowels already loose. So many travellers with long dusty hair and pathetic whining voices packed onto the bus- one bastard wouldn't leave his bird alone and kept sucking her lips and whispering in her ear making Mo get angry and start to punch the chair and shout 'fuck off' in his far too aggressive voice.

Can't wait to get to the islands. Just 15 hours on this bus, stuck in Bangkok rush hour traffic that has no order but works in its own way. No paper in the toilet, just a bucket of water filled with piss and wet shit. Girls have to do the walk of shame up to the back of the bus where we are all sitting, and squeeze one out in discomfort whilst we listen or push our feet against the door to stop them getting out.

(I forgot to mention that yesterday in the 'Happy Ending Palace' (the massage parlour) I got fingered whilst getting a handy. Now this was a lovely but unusual experience. There was a fresh layer of IBS on my arse which acted as an unpleasant lube, and she just stuck one finger up there, knuckle deep. Whilst I was getting fingered, Henry got a fucking 'titty wank'.)

Koh Tao

The longest bus journey followed by a 3 hour boat ride filled with cockroaches and leaking water. We piled onto the top deck and watch the bright red morning sun rise, salty water sticking to our faces. The views were a complete contrast to Bangkok- an expanse of green, with trees and men on little motor boats waving at us.

Koh Tao is paradise. The beaches are clean and white, the water clear, boiling sun, attractive topless girls, (cunts with perfect bodies), and bars serving cold milkshakes and Singha beers.

We got a room on the beach and hit a wall, waking up a few hours later in the exact positions we'd fallen asleep in, face planting the bed.

A lazy meal stretched out on cushions watching the sun set. The waves came right up to where we were eating. We all had large Changs in our hands, cold and refreshing, and racks of beef and fresh prawns and fish with jacket potatoes and salad, which barely cost us anything. If we were hungry we ordered more. Money goes so much further here. So we all got a bit drunk, slowly enjoying the night, and then the call to get pissed was thrown in the air, so we did.

Getting pissed in Thailand isn't like getting pissed in Newcastle. You don't have to force treble vodkas down your neck which taste like piss, you just sit back and drink as many beers as you want, and then have sweet Thai whiskey in buckets with red bull (or the Thai equivalent which has amphetamines in).

The bar was on the beach. Lotus Bar. Girls in bikinis danced in the sea, people drank buckets of whiskey and watched fire dancers or sat on blankets and talked or jumped over the burning skipping rope, which always hits the back of your legs. Me and Mo decided we had to have cigarettes, so bought a pack and chained 10 and drank some more whiskey before either of us had the hangers to talk to girls. (Our bodies were by far the worst in the bar, people looked like Prince (not the singer) and had chiseled six packs, compared to my fat hips and tits). But fuck them, I was determined to get a bird.

Eventually pulled a bird from Nottingham, who wouldn't shut up about travelling- 'Yah you've got to go there, it's amazing, like totally life changing, I found things there'. She went on like that for a while,and all I could think of was what her pussy would taste like, or what her ear would taste like if I bit into it. Convinced her to give me a handy after dragging her to some dark corner of the beach and hiding behind a palm tree. It hurt. Dry handys are never good, especially when they have grains of sand all over their hand and won't shut the fuck up about travelling whilst they're doing it.

Henry pigged for a while and most people were pulling Broose's nipple rings, which unsurprisingly still look shocking. We met Federer and told him that Mo was called Paki, which he didn't understand given he was Swiss. Mo hit me for this.

Jonny and Federer made a girl cry by asking her if she was a man, and things began to turn into a haze and we all split up each looking to pig. I ended up finding a Thai bird and heading vaguely back to the apartment, but finding out that I was walking the wrong way up the beach, so we stopped and I forced her into giving me a blowie. By that I mean I took out my cock and beat myself off in front of her and tried to mime what I wanted her to do. So she did and it was toothy and painful and I didn't finish.

Eventually found the apartment and she assured me that she wasn't a ladyboy and I worked on her minge for a bit, with my dry drunk tongue. Henry came in mid way with a bird of his own, and me and Keeps watched him lick her out and get a handy (she made him listen to her iPod whilst doing it, which was a bit fucking weird). I shagged my bird, who was called Ball and had a big tattoo of a flower spread across her rather fat gut. I'd give her a generous 6/10. Nobody will agree with that rating. Henry raised his hand in the air for his money shot, and I think Jonny was beating off whilst watching and I fell asleep with a Thai bird wrapped around my legs.

(Woke up briefly in the night and dipped the used condom, inside-out, into Keeps' mouth, and went back to bed.)