Day 14: Reggae Bird

Another early wake up for a tour around the islands. We went to the place where The Beach was filmed (Maya Bay). A bit of an anticlimax, loads of people, petrol in the water from all the boats, litter everywhere. It looked good though. To get to the beach we had to swim to some ladders, which were against a steep rock face. There was a patch of coral before the ladder which we all had to clamber over, trying to hold onto a rope that was loose and covered in slippy seaweed. I nearly lost my fucking leg on the coral, and the waves kept hammering against me. So turning up to see an average sight at the cost of my leg probably wasn't worth it.

At the first stop we all climbed onto the roof of the boat. It was three decks high and the roof was another 8 or so foot up. We all managed to get up, apart from Jonny, who'd just lubed himself up in coconut oil before attempting the running jump and grab at the 8 foot ledge. He surprisingly made it, but the oil worked against him, and he fell backwards, legs straight up in the air, onto his back and head. The whole boat laughed, and he just did a stupid smile. As if that wasn't stupid enough for him, he then shouted 'here watch is make this jump' and threw his mask and snorkel into the water, before posing and asking somebody to take a photo of him. So there went his mask and snorkel and another heavy fine. We'd been warned about thirty times before getting on the boat that they were expensive and that they didn't float.

One island was deserted except for a wooden hut and a few hens. I've never seen anybody more shocked and amazed by the hens than Jonny. 'Err, here man, how the fuck can hens live in Thailand? They're from England not fucking Thailand, that's fucking mental that'.

We were all tired and not really up for a night out, but we were leaving Phi Phi tomorrow so we decided to make the most of it. Six red bulls and some Changs (served by the curvy smiley (fat) waitress I later fucked). We watched more kick boxing. First fight was two kids, about 10, and they kicked shit out of each other, and the fight had to eventually get stopped. Next was even better, two girls, one was skinny and had no power in her punches, the other was like Henry's ex, a big fat shot putter, massive iron jaw and a mean right hook. Her finishing move was a swinging haymaker directly to the face, which knocked the skinny one over the top ropes and out of the ring.

Oli and his fucking entourage of birds came in. I'll not get started on him again. He looked devilishly handsome and had the girls wet at his feet.

Two birds who had been on the island tour were in the bar, and we got talking to them. We were all after one of them. She had died maroon hair, frumpy is the best way to describe her, but she looked like the type who gave a cracking blowie and would let you rim her if she could rim you first. So we all tried our luck with her and kind of cock blocked each other in doing so. I gave up. When Henry is in the game, you tend not to get the bird. Now that's not because he's special at getting birds, or particularly good looking, it's raw persistence. I've seen him offer one girl good money before back in Newcastle. He won't leave them alone and will reduce himself to such a low level to get them.

We headed to the beach, and soon things weren't making sense, and Jonny was with the red haired girl and Henry was going off with another one, and I was with Oscar trying to pick up the scraps. Imran was off with a fit blonde, who he power humped back at hers and made it back to the beach before we left.

Henry met back up with me and we went on the hunt for rat. He used one of the worst lines I've heard in a while. Two very fit girls were sitting down enjoying a drink. Henry dragged me over, his top stained with sauce from dinner, sweat on his forehead, his fat arse being exaggerated by his tight football shorts. 'Excuse me girls have you got the time, (then he faked a yawn) actually I think I'll just sit down here next to you, feet are getting a little tired (he said the last bit in a kind of yawning Deep South America voice)'. That's when I realised that Mo was the new Doctor Love. The girls got up and left, hurt by the fact that two fattys (me and Henry) thought we even stood a chance.

Jonny went off with the red hair. What happened was he started fucking her on the beach for a while, and people kept walking past and he kept losing his erection, and she got sand up her cunt which hurt them both. So they went back to hers, but thing was she was staying with this girl, who happened to be a dwarf and a lesbian, and she was protective about her mate, so as Jonny was just about to dribble out his load, this dwarf started shouting at him and scratching and hitting him with her shoes. So Jonny ran, taking some of their money and maybe jewelery and came back.

The waitress from Reggae Bar came up to me and started dancing. I was surprised. Apparently in the bar I'd told her to come and find me later. So she had done. I soon led her away. We went to a wooden fishing boat and sat in it. The tide was right out, and I told her a Tsunami was coming, which was probably a bit insensitive of me given a Tsunami had recently killed loads of Thais. She was being a bit tight with what she was willing to hand out. One of those girls who let you feed the horse, but don't return the favour. There is such a classic example of one in Newcastle, who so many of us have jabbed, but I won't name her. So I unbuttoned my pants and she looked at it for a while and put it in her mouth ('Don't just stare at it eat' I blurted out. She didn't get the joke,). It wasn't the best blowie, not toothy, just very little movement, she just dribbled on it a bit and then said we should go back.

Led her back to the hotel, and got her into bed. I took all my clothes off before she'd even sat down on the bed, and soon I was fingering her. It was making that wet squelch which always turns me on. But then she said she had to go and get changed. I figured she was bailing, so I threw my fingers up her aggressively and turned over and went to sleep.

What must have been about an hour later she was shaking me awake. She'd left and had come back in a different outfit. It was weird.

So I lay her down and took her pants off. She seemed a bit nervous, so I told her I loved her and kissed her softly. As I got down to the cunt, which smelt like a cunt (I'm not a fan of girls who's pussy smells of honey and roses, it's not pleasant, I like hair, maybe vintage, and a good strong smell, maybe a hint of piss in there). She had just that type of vagina.

'No, I have not wash today.' She said, apologetically, expecting this to deter me.

I smiled, laughed, and delved in. Pubes in my teeth, I rubbed the juices all over my face. I was ravenous. Chewing the clit, spitting, forcing four fingers up making her squeal a bit in pain, then biting her neck and legs. Was I biting her shin? That's the second shin I've bitten this summer.

(Whilst I was doing all this, Mo was on the other bed, in a cold sweat. He had a bit of a fever, and had been throwing up, and was in desperate need of sleep.)

I fucked her three times and enjoyed it. I woke up an hour later and she was gone, then in the morning she was next to me. I never understood this. She said goodbye to me, taking my name (she later added me on Facebook- she definitely wasn't the curvy smiley waitress I'd imagined).

So we got back on the boat and left Phi Phi. Back to Phuket, and more sordid adventures. Maybe if Mo had written this diary you would have a better idea of the cultural side of Thailand, or the scenery. But Mo didn't write it, and in Phuket we all enjoy some more young pros.