Day 17: Sex and a Nazi

Last day in Phuket. The trip is nearly over. It has gone quickly and I'll be sad to leave. Back to Newcastle,where I'll watch James King on nights out and threaten to jump him, or text girls who are out of my league, drunk, saying things like 'I'm back from London YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT, come round to my poetry den and I'll touch you Boo Ya' which got sent to a girl when Henry took advantage of my drunkenness. And I'll watch Henry and Jonny sleep with girls, and maybe join in once or twice, but there'll be no Mel or £3 handys or midnight pancakes and currys and Changs on the beach.

A lot of time was spent walking around the shops with Mo. If I came back to Thailand I'd spend less time in Phuket. We've exhausted it, so it's a bit repetitive now. But you do need to see Phuket, and taste the women.

'You wanna nice suit my friend? Only 3000 baht, real silk my friend'
'We'll give you 5000 baht?' Mo said.
'Excuse my friend?'
'Actually 6000.' I said.

We walked of laughing, the gook confused. 'You fucking mother fucker cock suckers,' he shouted and started coming after us probably with a knife. We ran.

The night out. The last of our sordid adventures, and probably the dirtiest of them all. Certainly the most eventful.

Straight to the now very familiar pro bars. Whiskey and Singha's for us all. We drank a bit by ourselves, not being too pestered by the pros, watched highlights from a Man Utd pre season match, and after another beer, our cocks were twitching and our teeth were ready to sink into the neck and minge of a Thai girl (tonight I actually put my words into action and bit (and was bitten back) from a pro).

Imran was hammering the pros at Connect 4. I'd never seen them lose a game until then. Me and Oscar kept losing at Jenga. Mo was chain smoking menthols with a J&B in his hand, Henry had gone off somewhere, Jonny had four girls around him, and Harry was considering not drinking again and doing terrible things to women.

The concept of playing board games with prostitutes before you fuck them is very funny.

I pigged one for a while. She'd been working at the bar last time we came. She wasn't attractive, in her 30s, with glasses and a scrunched up face. Every time we played the dice game, she'd put the dice up her minge, then make me put them in my mouth, and for my turn she'd hold my cock whilst I rolled. I couldn't resist her. So I knocked up a big bar bill and got drunk with her. After a while in the bar I told her I didn't have any money left and asked if she still wanted to come back. She agreed, and said we'd need to go to another bar first. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I was getting a pro for free. Is that still sleeping with a prostitute?

I left Henry at the bar who'd gone back for the same pro he'd had last time. He was licking her neck and she was massaging his stump and he had a dirty pervy smile spread across his face and winked at me as I left.

Tonight all the bars had to close earlier, at around 2am, because there was some of the royal family and government in Phuket and a lot of the Bangkok police were there, carrying guns, looking to kick the shit out of some drunken tourists.

The pro led me on a twenty minute walk, away from my hotel, down back alleys where men sat on deck chairs and stared at me, through some sort of brothel where people were screaming and babies were crying, to a dimly lit bar which had 3 people in and a pool table.

The first person was a guy from Birmingham. Short hair, earrings, gold chains, knuckle dusters, thick accent. The next was the hardest man alive (he'd have killed the skinhead in Phi Phi, fucking killed him). This guy was from Australia, he owned the bar and had moved here to get married to a prostitute and sleep around. He was wearing a ripped sleeveless top, all the way up his arms were tattoos of skulls and words I didn't understand, the tats stretched up to his neck, and just below his chin was a swastika. One of his eyes had been put out, and it was cloudy and red. I'm not exaggerating with this description. He was the stereotypical skinhead Nazi. I was terrified. The last person was his wife, she was 19, a prostitute, beautiful, nervous and on a lot of drugs.

'Alright mate are you?' The Brummie said in an accent I could barely understand.
'Yea not bad,' I replied, my voice shaking a little bit.

My pro had gone off somewhere with the other girl (which turned out to be for coke) and I was left with the Nazi and the Brummie.

'Right so I was going through the back of this fucking girl last night wasn't I, and I just started cracking her in the fucking ribs. (He started to act out beating her) Take that you little bitch, take that.'

The Nazi was laughing and the Brummie kept pretending to punch the prostitute and fuck her from behind. Next it was the Nazi's turn to brag.

'When I first move here, I fucked everything that moved. And if it didn't move, I'd punch the cunt until she did.'

I found myself laughing and telling them about how I'd spat in a pro's face the other night. Am I just as bad as these?

'Right, I'll play you at pool,' the Nazi shouted.
'Na, I'm not great and I'm too drunk to play.'
'You're fucking playing,' he shouted back staring at me with his one eye.
'Yea alright then, I'll set them up.'
'If I win you give me all the money in your wallet, and if you win I'll give you anything you want.' I didn't argue. That was the rules. I had 800 baht in my wallet, so not too much. I was interested to see what 'anything you want' was. Would it be his cock up my arse whilst the Brummie guy hit my tonsils with his? Or a line of coke off his wife's arse hole whilst the other one tongued me?

The two girls returned and put the coke on the table. And we began the game of pool. He wasn't bad, but I was much better, delicately potting, playing doubles, putting screw on the ball. It could well be the best I've played. But I didn't want to win. I was scared that it would be the end of me if I did. So I let him get onto the black, and he missed an easy pot to win and left the black hovering over the pocket, so I took a gulp and potted it.

He stared at me for a while, then laughed and hit my back and asked what I wanted. I said I didn't want anything, but he insisted. So he opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and handed it to me and gave me 500 baht and they started snorting again and then dancing and he started to pull his wife over the bar and force his hand up her dress.

Next thing I knew, 4 police had come into the bar. The music was off. The bar was supposed to have closed 2 hours ago, and they saw the coke on the table, and I'm sure it's death penalty for drugs. They started shouting in Thai, and grabbed the Australian, and the Brummie had left and was hurrying down a dark back alley. My pro grabbed my hand and said something to the policeman and we ran. After 5 minutes we stopped and she pulled me into the dark entrance of a shop and started kissing me and wanking me off, and I forced my fingers up her and my mind was everywhere and I was far too fucked to understand what had just happened.

We went back to my hotel for 'Boom Boom' as she called it. I hurried into the room, where Harry was asleep and shook him awake and tried to tell him what had happened. Then I ran next door, where Imran and Oscar were beneath the covers aggressively powering through their pros. Then down into Henry's room where he was cuddled up to a girl whispering in her ear and Jonny was spoon-fucking his, and Mo was in the bathroom being sick. (Mo's night had involved him offering a ladyboy 20 baht for sex, and she had punched him the side of the head, and he then stumbled to more bars by himself drinking nothing but whiskey, then ran into McDonald's throwing stools and trays onto the floor and demanding change from an order he'd never made, before settling for two meals).

The sex. In the shower she got on her knees and sucked my balls for a while and massaged my gooch and I put my toothbrush up her and she punched me in the ribs.

Then into the bedroom and Harry was half-asleep next to us. I started quietly in missionary but we both got bored, so I turned her round, then threw her on her belly and licked her out from behind, my nose in her arsehole, which I fingered (but again she wouldn't let me fuck). Then I was strangling her and she was scratching my back and biting my neck as hard as she could, so I bit her back and then started biting her inner thigh. Then I sucked her toes and tried to fit as many fingers as I could up her. I came inside her, lay for a while kissing her then turned around for sleep.

About 30 minutes later I was shook awake for more 'Boom Boom' and it started again and her whole body shook and she panted as she came. It was violent violent sex, but some of the best I've ever had. I woke up a few hours later and she was gone, and I thought about what had happened earlier, but still couldn't really understand it.