Woke up, comfortable and well slept. First thing I did was empty my bowels. We started to pack our cases, and were all a bit quiet, sad that we were leaving.
Henry took us to an electronics mall. He'd been going on about it for ages. So we made our way there, and it wasn't impressive. It was like going to PC World, except not buying anything, and instead window shopping. Jonny was amazed though, not sure what about. We did have an interesting side trip though. Like everywhere in Thailand, people were selling porn.
'You want some porn my friend, good porn, good quality, lesbian, hardcore my friend, chicken?'
Yes, we would like to see your chicken porn. It didn't disappoint. We were led into the back of a shop into a tiny stock room filled with porn DVDs. He gave us the bestiality box. It had everything from people fucking goats and horses, to women getting eels shoved up their minges. There is nothing you can't get in Thailand.
'You want child porn?'
So we took a look at the child porn. I'll clear that up, we looked at the selection of DVDs, didn't watch them. 10 year old boys were getting raped on the back, little girls were getting teamed on, small boys were wanking themselves off. It was disgusting. Was it disgusting? It was. I'll say it was. We bought some normal DVDs. I bought some German granny porn (which 3 weeks later, when my internet was broken at home, I had to turn to, and it was fucking awful).
My shits were too bad, so me and Harry went back to the hotel, and the others went to see some temples. Harry beat me at squash 8 times. I think I won one point over the course of the day. The others came back, and we said bye to Imran and Oscar, and piled into a taxi, and left.
The trip was the best I've ever had. So, I apologise if this diary has annoyed any of the people who are in it. I believe the last thing said on the trip was 'what happened here definitely shouldn't get out'. Well some of it was too good to keep a secret. So sorry to those who have girlfriends (Harry and Jonny), or those (Henry) who rang me the minute I said I was putting it up to say 'Here what the fuck you doing, if girls read it, that's me done. You've got to think about reputation man.' And to Mo for releasing his secret about his virginity. It's a year later now, and he still hasn't lost it. But he will do one day. I may have harmed my chances with any girls who read this, but remember that I did last for over 30 minutes each time, and I'm more than willing to lick you out.
So, that is all.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Day 19: Amari Watergate
We packed into a taxi, Mo swilled us with a curry he'd bought as he tried to climb in and we sped off towards the Amari Watergate. The taxi driver was like all the others we've had this trip. He kept turning around talking to us, fake Barcelona top on, leaning out the window swearing, swerving between cars, screaming and laughing. We got across the city in minutes.
The hotel was a modern grey skyscraper, next to it were slums. People lay about exhausted on the side of the road, some without arms, others with their eyes put out, begging for money. We gave them fuck all and marched into the 5 star hotel.
The reception was all marble with flower displays and a fountain. Men in suits stood around waiting for business appointment, and the 5 of us had strutted in wearing shorts and flip-flops. It really was a luxury hotel. Henry had kept going on about how we 'needed to treat ourselves', and he was right. Our rooms were on the 22nd floor, overlooking the whole of Bangkok.
We made our way to the pool and spa, where we sat lazed about in the late afternoon sun and then went in the steam room, wanked in the showers (which were the best showers I've ever been in, with a choice of three different shower gels, and lemon scented conditioner- perfect for a bit of lube).
We were 'famine', as Jonny would say, so we headed back to the shopping mall we'd been to on the first day. It's called Siam Paragon. The food court has everything and we spent an hour eating all we could. It took ages to get there, because a gook sent us the wrong way, all because we'd refused to get in his tuc-tuc. We found ourselves sweating, walking through packed markets, in the complete wrong direction. He was the only gook I'd met this trip who I can remember thinking was a complete cunt. (I'd say I apologise for the casual use of the word 'gook' throughout, but it wouldn't be sincere).
My IBS reached a new high. The food I ate came back out my arse, partially digested. A pool of tomato and noodles floating around in the toilet water.
Went to see Public Enemies at the cinema. It was average. The cinema was like a fucking hotel though. I went for another shit, in the end cubicle before the film, and the person in the cubicle next to me was having a wank. He had the magazine on the floor, and I could see the reflection of his face in the marble tiles. He was biting his bottom lip and absolutely going for it.
Back at the hotel we found a note stuck to our door. It read 'Divies on Tour, Myself and Imran are here, staying in room 1006 on the 10th floor. Hoped to surprise you. Pity. Find us if you haven't gone out already. On it to vomit freshers.'
So we met up with Imran and Oscar, but we were all too tired to go out. Not even the thought of a relaxing handy could get me out of bed. And that was our last night in Thailand.
The hotel was a modern grey skyscraper, next to it were slums. People lay about exhausted on the side of the road, some without arms, others with their eyes put out, begging for money. We gave them fuck all and marched into the 5 star hotel.
The reception was all marble with flower displays and a fountain. Men in suits stood around waiting for business appointment, and the 5 of us had strutted in wearing shorts and flip-flops. It really was a luxury hotel. Henry had kept going on about how we 'needed to treat ourselves', and he was right. Our rooms were on the 22nd floor, overlooking the whole of Bangkok.
We made our way to the pool and spa, where we sat lazed about in the late afternoon sun and then went in the steam room, wanked in the showers (which were the best showers I've ever been in, with a choice of three different shower gels, and lemon scented conditioner- perfect for a bit of lube).
We were 'famine', as Jonny would say, so we headed back to the shopping mall we'd been to on the first day. It's called Siam Paragon. The food court has everything and we spent an hour eating all we could. It took ages to get there, because a gook sent us the wrong way, all because we'd refused to get in his tuc-tuc. We found ourselves sweating, walking through packed markets, in the complete wrong direction. He was the only gook I'd met this trip who I can remember thinking was a complete cunt. (I'd say I apologise for the casual use of the word 'gook' throughout, but it wouldn't be sincere).
My IBS reached a new high. The food I ate came back out my arse, partially digested. A pool of tomato and noodles floating around in the toilet water.
Went to see Public Enemies at the cinema. It was average. The cinema was like a fucking hotel though. I went for another shit, in the end cubicle before the film, and the person in the cubicle next to me was having a wank. He had the magazine on the floor, and I could see the reflection of his face in the marble tiles. He was biting his bottom lip and absolutely going for it.
Back at the hotel we found a note stuck to our door. It read 'Divies on Tour, Myself and Imran are here, staying in room 1006 on the 10th floor. Hoped to surprise you. Pity. Find us if you haven't gone out already. On it to vomit freshers.'
So we met up with Imran and Oscar, but we were all too tired to go out. Not even the thought of a relaxing handy could get me out of bed. And that was our last night in Thailand.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Day 18: Blowie Off a Man
We said goodbye to the 'giggly girls'. A photo was taken with them, and I was standing behind the fit one, and Jonny forced his finger up her arse, making it look like it was me. She turned round half smilingm half disgusted and didn't speak and then we left.
The plane to Bangkok was delayed for 2 hours. There was a storm and I was nervous about getting a small Thai plane in this weather. What made it worse is that it was my turn to have the shits. So a combination of IBS and diarrhoea meant an unpleasant two hours. We sat around, sad to be leaving, knowing that the trip was over. Mo had bracelets all over his arms and legs and looked like a moron. Jonny's sun tan was flaking off. I had hickeys all over my neck and chest. Henry was thinking about his ex. And Harry was thinking of a story he'd make up to cover his back about the pro. We weren't in a good mood and sat in silence until our flight was called.
We got off after a turbulent flight back into the sticky Bangkok air and had a heated debate about where to stay. We couldn't decide whether to go to a cheap hotel in the tourist part, or stay in the Amari Watergate, a 5 star hotel that Imran and Oscar had stayed in.
So we stayed in the shit place and the bed was the hardest I've ever felt, and men with geckos were walking around outside and the room had cockroaches in and was just above a bar, and for the first time since getting here I was a bit pissed with how things were.
We went for a drink in a crammed bar, trying to watch Liverpool vs. Thailand. Then to another packed bar where we crowded around a small table and drank overpriced Changs. Four typical travellers were sitting on the table next to us. Long hair, the men had beards, dirty looking faces, loads of necklaces, a tattoo from their travels, posh traveller accents, they told stories about life and how to live it, and were cunts. Mo managed to get in a fight with the woman. She was from New Zealand, nails, about 6 foot, broad shoulders. She started talking to us and giving us bullshit advice like 'embrace randomness it's the way to life'. What the fuck does that even mean? Mo wanted to rip her throat out in the bar, but we held him back. She taunted him and actually suggested that they take this outside. I'd have loved to see that fight.
I went back to the hotel room. Henry was sharing with me, and he'd gone off to one more bar in a last ditch attempt to pig. Just as I was getting off to sleep, he burst in the room, excited.
'Charlie, Charlie, you awake?'
'What do you want?'
'I've found this bird. Basically she's a man and I know she is. But she, well he, looks like Rhianna, just a little bit taller. So fit. Ask Jonny, he said she was fit as well.'
'She's a fucking man.'
'I know, I know. But that doesn't matter. What do you reckon?'
'What do you mean, what do I reckon?'
'Well, is it weird for me to go for her?'
'You're fucking kidding aren't you?'
'Na man, I wish you'd seen her. You'd feel the same. Ah shit, it's too good an opportunity to pass.'
And with that he left the room.
When I woke up, he was sitting upright in his bed.
'I didn't fuck her. But she sucked me off in a toilet.'
'Was she a man?'
'Yes.'
'You sure?'
'Yes.'
And that was it.
The plane to Bangkok was delayed for 2 hours. There was a storm and I was nervous about getting a small Thai plane in this weather. What made it worse is that it was my turn to have the shits. So a combination of IBS and diarrhoea meant an unpleasant two hours. We sat around, sad to be leaving, knowing that the trip was over. Mo had bracelets all over his arms and legs and looked like a moron. Jonny's sun tan was flaking off. I had hickeys all over my neck and chest. Henry was thinking about his ex. And Harry was thinking of a story he'd make up to cover his back about the pro. We weren't in a good mood and sat in silence until our flight was called.
We got off after a turbulent flight back into the sticky Bangkok air and had a heated debate about where to stay. We couldn't decide whether to go to a cheap hotel in the tourist part, or stay in the Amari Watergate, a 5 star hotel that Imran and Oscar had stayed in.
So we stayed in the shit place and the bed was the hardest I've ever felt, and men with geckos were walking around outside and the room had cockroaches in and was just above a bar, and for the first time since getting here I was a bit pissed with how things were.
We went for a drink in a crammed bar, trying to watch Liverpool vs. Thailand. Then to another packed bar where we crowded around a small table and drank overpriced Changs. Four typical travellers were sitting on the table next to us. Long hair, the men had beards, dirty looking faces, loads of necklaces, a tattoo from their travels, posh traveller accents, they told stories about life and how to live it, and were cunts. Mo managed to get in a fight with the woman. She was from New Zealand, nails, about 6 foot, broad shoulders. She started talking to us and giving us bullshit advice like 'embrace randomness it's the way to life'. What the fuck does that even mean? Mo wanted to rip her throat out in the bar, but we held him back. She taunted him and actually suggested that they take this outside. I'd have loved to see that fight.
I went back to the hotel room. Henry was sharing with me, and he'd gone off to one more bar in a last ditch attempt to pig. Just as I was getting off to sleep, he burst in the room, excited.
'Charlie, Charlie, you awake?'
'What do you want?'
'I've found this bird. Basically she's a man and I know she is. But she, well he, looks like Rhianna, just a little bit taller. So fit. Ask Jonny, he said she was fit as well.'
'She's a fucking man.'
'I know, I know. But that doesn't matter. What do you reckon?'
'What do you mean, what do I reckon?'
'Well, is it weird for me to go for her?'
'You're fucking kidding aren't you?'
'Na man, I wish you'd seen her. You'd feel the same. Ah shit, it's too good an opportunity to pass.'
And with that he left the room.
When I woke up, he was sitting upright in his bed.
'I didn't fuck her. But she sucked me off in a toilet.'
'Was she a man?'
'Yes.'
'You sure?'
'Yes.'
And that was it.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Day 17: Sex and a Nazi
Last day in Phuket. The trip is nearly over. It has gone quickly and I'll be sad to leave. Back to Newcastle,where I'll watch James King on nights out and threaten to jump him, or text girls who are out of my league, drunk, saying things like 'I'm back from London YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT, come round to my poetry den and I'll touch you Boo Ya' which got sent to a girl when Henry took advantage of my drunkenness. And I'll watch Henry and Jonny sleep with girls, and maybe join in once or twice, but there'll be no Mel or £3 handys or midnight pancakes and currys and Changs on the beach.
A lot of time was spent walking around the shops with Mo. If I came back to Thailand I'd spend less time in Phuket. We've exhausted it, so it's a bit repetitive now. But you do need to see Phuket, and taste the women.
'You wanna nice suit my friend? Only 3000 baht, real silk my friend'
'We'll give you 5000 baht?' Mo said.
'Excuse my friend?'
'Actually 6000.' I said.
We walked of laughing, the gook confused. 'You fucking mother fucker cock suckers,' he shouted and started coming after us probably with a knife. We ran.
The night out. The last of our sordid adventures, and probably the dirtiest of them all. Certainly the most eventful.
Straight to the now very familiar pro bars. Whiskey and Singha's for us all. We drank a bit by ourselves, not being too pestered by the pros, watched highlights from a Man Utd pre season match, and after another beer, our cocks were twitching and our teeth were ready to sink into the neck and minge of a Thai girl (tonight I actually put my words into action and bit (and was bitten back) from a pro).
Imran was hammering the pros at Connect 4. I'd never seen them lose a game until then. Me and Oscar kept losing at Jenga. Mo was chain smoking menthols with a J&B in his hand, Henry had gone off somewhere, Jonny had four girls around him, and Harry was considering not drinking again and doing terrible things to women.
The concept of playing board games with prostitutes before you fuck them is very funny.
I pigged one for a while. She'd been working at the bar last time we came. She wasn't attractive, in her 30s, with glasses and a scrunched up face. Every time we played the dice game, she'd put the dice up her minge, then make me put them in my mouth, and for my turn she'd hold my cock whilst I rolled. I couldn't resist her. So I knocked up a big bar bill and got drunk with her. After a while in the bar I told her I didn't have any money left and asked if she still wanted to come back. She agreed, and said we'd need to go to another bar first. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I was getting a pro for free. Is that still sleeping with a prostitute?
I left Henry at the bar who'd gone back for the same pro he'd had last time. He was licking her neck and she was massaging his stump and he had a dirty pervy smile spread across his face and winked at me as I left.
Tonight all the bars had to close earlier, at around 2am, because there was some of the royal family and government in Phuket and a lot of the Bangkok police were there, carrying guns, looking to kick the shit out of some drunken tourists.
The pro led me on a twenty minute walk, away from my hotel, down back alleys where men sat on deck chairs and stared at me, through some sort of brothel where people were screaming and babies were crying, to a dimly lit bar which had 3 people in and a pool table.
The first person was a guy from Birmingham. Short hair, earrings, gold chains, knuckle dusters, thick accent. The next was the hardest man alive (he'd have killed the skinhead in Phi Phi, fucking killed him). This guy was from Australia, he owned the bar and had moved here to get married to a prostitute and sleep around. He was wearing a ripped sleeveless top, all the way up his arms were tattoos of skulls and words I didn't understand, the tats stretched up to his neck, and just below his chin was a swastika. One of his eyes had been put out, and it was cloudy and red. I'm not exaggerating with this description. He was the stereotypical skinhead Nazi. I was terrified. The last person was his wife, she was 19, a prostitute, beautiful, nervous and on a lot of drugs.
'Alright mate are you?' The Brummie said in an accent I could barely understand.
'Yea not bad,' I replied, my voice shaking a little bit.
My pro had gone off somewhere with the other girl (which turned out to be for coke) and I was left with the Nazi and the Brummie.
'Right so I was going through the back of this fucking girl last night wasn't I, and I just started cracking her in the fucking ribs. (He started to act out beating her) Take that you little bitch, take that.'
The Nazi was laughing and the Brummie kept pretending to punch the prostitute and fuck her from behind. Next it was the Nazi's turn to brag.
'When I first move here, I fucked everything that moved. And if it didn't move, I'd punch the cunt until she did.'
I found myself laughing and telling them about how I'd spat in a pro's face the other night. Am I just as bad as these?
'Right, I'll play you at pool,' the Nazi shouted.
'Na, I'm not great and I'm too drunk to play.'
'You're fucking playing,' he shouted back staring at me with his one eye.
'Yea alright then, I'll set them up.'
'If I win you give me all the money in your wallet, and if you win I'll give you anything you want.' I didn't argue. That was the rules. I had 800 baht in my wallet, so not too much. I was interested to see what 'anything you want' was. Would it be his cock up my arse whilst the Brummie guy hit my tonsils with his? Or a line of coke off his wife's arse hole whilst the other one tongued me?
The two girls returned and put the coke on the table. And we began the game of pool. He wasn't bad, but I was much better, delicately potting, playing doubles, putting screw on the ball. It could well be the best I've played. But I didn't want to win. I was scared that it would be the end of me if I did. So I let him get onto the black, and he missed an easy pot to win and left the black hovering over the pocket, so I took a gulp and potted it.
He stared at me for a while, then laughed and hit my back and asked what I wanted. I said I didn't want anything, but he insisted. So he opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and handed it to me and gave me 500 baht and they started snorting again and then dancing and he started to pull his wife over the bar and force his hand up her dress.
Next thing I knew, 4 police had come into the bar. The music was off. The bar was supposed to have closed 2 hours ago, and they saw the coke on the table, and I'm sure it's death penalty for drugs. They started shouting in Thai, and grabbed the Australian, and the Brummie had left and was hurrying down a dark back alley. My pro grabbed my hand and said something to the policeman and we ran. After 5 minutes we stopped and she pulled me into the dark entrance of a shop and started kissing me and wanking me off, and I forced my fingers up her and my mind was everywhere and I was far too fucked to understand what had just happened.
We went back to my hotel for 'Boom Boom' as she called it. I hurried into the room, where Harry was asleep and shook him awake and tried to tell him what had happened. Then I ran next door, where Imran and Oscar were beneath the covers aggressively powering through their pros. Then down into Henry's room where he was cuddled up to a girl whispering in her ear and Jonny was spoon-fucking his, and Mo was in the bathroom being sick. (Mo's night had involved him offering a ladyboy 20 baht for sex, and she had punched him the side of the head, and he then stumbled to more bars by himself drinking nothing but whiskey, then ran into McDonald's throwing stools and trays onto the floor and demanding change from an order he'd never made, before settling for two meals).
The sex. In the shower she got on her knees and sucked my balls for a while and massaged my gooch and I put my toothbrush up her and she punched me in the ribs.
Then into the bedroom and Harry was half-asleep next to us. I started quietly in missionary but we both got bored, so I turned her round, then threw her on her belly and licked her out from behind, my nose in her arsehole, which I fingered (but again she wouldn't let me fuck). Then I was strangling her and she was scratching my back and biting my neck as hard as she could, so I bit her back and then started biting her inner thigh. Then I sucked her toes and tried to fit as many fingers as I could up her. I came inside her, lay for a while kissing her then turned around for sleep.
About 30 minutes later I was shook awake for more 'Boom Boom' and it started again and her whole body shook and she panted as she came. It was violent violent sex, but some of the best I've ever had. I woke up a few hours later and she was gone, and I thought about what had happened earlier, but still couldn't really understand it.
A lot of time was spent walking around the shops with Mo. If I came back to Thailand I'd spend less time in Phuket. We've exhausted it, so it's a bit repetitive now. But you do need to see Phuket, and taste the women.
'You wanna nice suit my friend? Only 3000 baht, real silk my friend'
'We'll give you 5000 baht?' Mo said.
'Excuse my friend?'
'Actually 6000.' I said.
We walked of laughing, the gook confused. 'You fucking mother fucker cock suckers,' he shouted and started coming after us probably with a knife. We ran.
The night out. The last of our sordid adventures, and probably the dirtiest of them all. Certainly the most eventful.
Straight to the now very familiar pro bars. Whiskey and Singha's for us all. We drank a bit by ourselves, not being too pestered by the pros, watched highlights from a Man Utd pre season match, and after another beer, our cocks were twitching and our teeth were ready to sink into the neck and minge of a Thai girl (tonight I actually put my words into action and bit (and was bitten back) from a pro).
Imran was hammering the pros at Connect 4. I'd never seen them lose a game until then. Me and Oscar kept losing at Jenga. Mo was chain smoking menthols with a J&B in his hand, Henry had gone off somewhere, Jonny had four girls around him, and Harry was considering not drinking again and doing terrible things to women.
The concept of playing board games with prostitutes before you fuck them is very funny.
I pigged one for a while. She'd been working at the bar last time we came. She wasn't attractive, in her 30s, with glasses and a scrunched up face. Every time we played the dice game, she'd put the dice up her minge, then make me put them in my mouth, and for my turn she'd hold my cock whilst I rolled. I couldn't resist her. So I knocked up a big bar bill and got drunk with her. After a while in the bar I told her I didn't have any money left and asked if she still wanted to come back. She agreed, and said we'd need to go to another bar first. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I was getting a pro for free. Is that still sleeping with a prostitute?
I left Henry at the bar who'd gone back for the same pro he'd had last time. He was licking her neck and she was massaging his stump and he had a dirty pervy smile spread across his face and winked at me as I left.
Tonight all the bars had to close earlier, at around 2am, because there was some of the royal family and government in Phuket and a lot of the Bangkok police were there, carrying guns, looking to kick the shit out of some drunken tourists.
The pro led me on a twenty minute walk, away from my hotel, down back alleys where men sat on deck chairs and stared at me, through some sort of brothel where people were screaming and babies were crying, to a dimly lit bar which had 3 people in and a pool table.
The first person was a guy from Birmingham. Short hair, earrings, gold chains, knuckle dusters, thick accent. The next was the hardest man alive (he'd have killed the skinhead in Phi Phi, fucking killed him). This guy was from Australia, he owned the bar and had moved here to get married to a prostitute and sleep around. He was wearing a ripped sleeveless top, all the way up his arms were tattoos of skulls and words I didn't understand, the tats stretched up to his neck, and just below his chin was a swastika. One of his eyes had been put out, and it was cloudy and red. I'm not exaggerating with this description. He was the stereotypical skinhead Nazi. I was terrified. The last person was his wife, she was 19, a prostitute, beautiful, nervous and on a lot of drugs.
'Alright mate are you?' The Brummie said in an accent I could barely understand.
'Yea not bad,' I replied, my voice shaking a little bit.
My pro had gone off somewhere with the other girl (which turned out to be for coke) and I was left with the Nazi and the Brummie.
'Right so I was going through the back of this fucking girl last night wasn't I, and I just started cracking her in the fucking ribs. (He started to act out beating her) Take that you little bitch, take that.'
The Nazi was laughing and the Brummie kept pretending to punch the prostitute and fuck her from behind. Next it was the Nazi's turn to brag.
'When I first move here, I fucked everything that moved. And if it didn't move, I'd punch the cunt until she did.'
I found myself laughing and telling them about how I'd spat in a pro's face the other night. Am I just as bad as these?
'Right, I'll play you at pool,' the Nazi shouted.
'Na, I'm not great and I'm too drunk to play.'
'You're fucking playing,' he shouted back staring at me with his one eye.
'Yea alright then, I'll set them up.'
'If I win you give me all the money in your wallet, and if you win I'll give you anything you want.' I didn't argue. That was the rules. I had 800 baht in my wallet, so not too much. I was interested to see what 'anything you want' was. Would it be his cock up my arse whilst the Brummie guy hit my tonsils with his? Or a line of coke off his wife's arse hole whilst the other one tongued me?
The two girls returned and put the coke on the table. And we began the game of pool. He wasn't bad, but I was much better, delicately potting, playing doubles, putting screw on the ball. It could well be the best I've played. But I didn't want to win. I was scared that it would be the end of me if I did. So I let him get onto the black, and he missed an easy pot to win and left the black hovering over the pocket, so I took a gulp and potted it.
He stared at me for a while, then laughed and hit my back and asked what I wanted. I said I didn't want anything, but he insisted. So he opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and handed it to me and gave me 500 baht and they started snorting again and then dancing and he started to pull his wife over the bar and force his hand up her dress.
Next thing I knew, 4 police had come into the bar. The music was off. The bar was supposed to have closed 2 hours ago, and they saw the coke on the table, and I'm sure it's death penalty for drugs. They started shouting in Thai, and grabbed the Australian, and the Brummie had left and was hurrying down a dark back alley. My pro grabbed my hand and said something to the policeman and we ran. After 5 minutes we stopped and she pulled me into the dark entrance of a shop and started kissing me and wanking me off, and I forced my fingers up her and my mind was everywhere and I was far too fucked to understand what had just happened.
We went back to my hotel for 'Boom Boom' as she called it. I hurried into the room, where Harry was asleep and shook him awake and tried to tell him what had happened. Then I ran next door, where Imran and Oscar were beneath the covers aggressively powering through their pros. Then down into Henry's room where he was cuddled up to a girl whispering in her ear and Jonny was spoon-fucking his, and Mo was in the bathroom being sick. (Mo's night had involved him offering a ladyboy 20 baht for sex, and she had punched him the side of the head, and he then stumbled to more bars by himself drinking nothing but whiskey, then ran into McDonald's throwing stools and trays onto the floor and demanding change from an order he'd never made, before settling for two meals).
The sex. In the shower she got on her knees and sucked my balls for a while and massaged my gooch and I put my toothbrush up her and she punched me in the ribs.
Then into the bedroom and Harry was half-asleep next to us. I started quietly in missionary but we both got bored, so I turned her round, then threw her on her belly and licked her out from behind, my nose in her arsehole, which I fingered (but again she wouldn't let me fuck). Then I was strangling her and she was scratching my back and biting my neck as hard as she could, so I bit her back and then started biting her inner thigh. Then I sucked her toes and tried to fit as many fingers as I could up her. I came inside her, lay for a while kissing her then turned around for sleep.
About 30 minutes later I was shook awake for more 'Boom Boom' and it started again and her whole body shook and she panted as she came. It was violent violent sex, but some of the best I've ever had. I woke up a few hours later and she was gone, and I thought about what had happened earlier, but still couldn't really understand it.
Day 16: Fantasea
Harry woke up at about 6am, and had the loudest fucking shower I've heard, then started banging cupboards and doing morning stretches. Who the fuck does morning stretches? Fucking anti-kip. So I was awake.
A day in the sun with home made coconut oil left me burnt again. But it was nothing compared to Oscar. His whole back was burnt. Flakes of flesh was peeling off, like chunks of parmesan. Swollen blisters were bleeding, and puss was running down his back. But he powered through it, top off, sitting out in the sun. An old Thai lady, hunch backed, bent over carrying wooden buckets of ice cold palm olive leaves. She rubbed the freezing gel all over his body with her wrinkly experienced hands. It probably did nothing, but it looked and smelt nice.
Then we went to Fantasea. Henry had essentially forced us to go, saying he hadn't gone last time and he thought it would be the highlight of the trip. Fantasea is Thailand's number one tourist destination (apparently), and it wasn't cheap. It was hard handing over 1000 baht, knowing that could be a pro and a meal.
It was Thailand's version of Disney Land. A very shitty version though. Neon lights and loads of gooks taking pictures and doing the peace sign. Why do all Asian people smile and do the peace sign in photos? We went inside walked around for a bit, past game stalls where you could win small cuddly toys, and then went into a sort of zoo except there were only really two white tigers in a cage walking about bored. Then we went for the meal, which was in a huge room with chandeliers and we all had an eating competition (or was I competing with myself?) and ate chips and noodles and cut meats and juicy water melon and maasaman, green and red curry and fish cooked in spicy oil with green beans and chunks of potato, then jelly and ice cream and small pistachio cakes and dark chocolate fudge. The meal made up for the show, which was terrible. There was some acrobatics which were fairly impressive and they made elephants stand on trampolines, but apart from that it was cheesy and annoying. They had Thai-American high pitched voices and it was designed for 6 year old kids.
The highlight was when Imran turned round and said something like 'Why don't you shut the fucking hell up' to a family and their kids behind us.
When it finished, at first we didn't take the piss out of Henry, because he clearly had put himself under pressure by promising that it would be life changing. But it didn't last long, and we told him what a fat selfish wanker he really was. The fucking Henry show.
So we went home, too bloated from the feast to consider mounting a pro, and slept, only half satisfied with the night.
A day in the sun with home made coconut oil left me burnt again. But it was nothing compared to Oscar. His whole back was burnt. Flakes of flesh was peeling off, like chunks of parmesan. Swollen blisters were bleeding, and puss was running down his back. But he powered through it, top off, sitting out in the sun. An old Thai lady, hunch backed, bent over carrying wooden buckets of ice cold palm olive leaves. She rubbed the freezing gel all over his body with her wrinkly experienced hands. It probably did nothing, but it looked and smelt nice.
Then we went to Fantasea. Henry had essentially forced us to go, saying he hadn't gone last time and he thought it would be the highlight of the trip. Fantasea is Thailand's number one tourist destination (apparently), and it wasn't cheap. It was hard handing over 1000 baht, knowing that could be a pro and a meal.
It was Thailand's version of Disney Land. A very shitty version though. Neon lights and loads of gooks taking pictures and doing the peace sign. Why do all Asian people smile and do the peace sign in photos? We went inside walked around for a bit, past game stalls where you could win small cuddly toys, and then went into a sort of zoo except there were only really two white tigers in a cage walking about bored. Then we went for the meal, which was in a huge room with chandeliers and we all had an eating competition (or was I competing with myself?) and ate chips and noodles and cut meats and juicy water melon and maasaman, green and red curry and fish cooked in spicy oil with green beans and chunks of potato, then jelly and ice cream and small pistachio cakes and dark chocolate fudge. The meal made up for the show, which was terrible. There was some acrobatics which were fairly impressive and they made elephants stand on trampolines, but apart from that it was cheesy and annoying. They had Thai-American high pitched voices and it was designed for 6 year old kids.
The highlight was when Imran turned round and said something like 'Why don't you shut the fucking hell up' to a family and their kids behind us.
When it finished, at first we didn't take the piss out of Henry, because he clearly had put himself under pressure by promising that it would be life changing. But it didn't last long, and we told him what a fat selfish wanker he really was. The fucking Henry show.
So we went home, too bloated from the feast to consider mounting a pro, and slept, only half satisfied with the night.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Day 15: Violation
I was sad to leave Phi Phi, but arriving back at the hotel in Phuket felt like coming home. The 'giggly girls' were there. One of them looks like the fit sister from Fresh Prince. She wears orange Crocs and tight dark blue jeans. She speaks no English, so I just sit and watch her make ice cream and when she sees that I'm staring I pretend to be reading the menu. Jonny pigged the receptionist for the rest of the day, and we invited her out with us for a drink, but Jonny wasn't willing to share her with us, so shot the bull saying that she had a boyfriend and wouldn't be out.
We showed Imran and Oscar around Phuket. We'd show them it properly at night. The pros sleep during the day.
Then a massage. I was conned. Jonny and Henry walked in and took the two girls who were free for the massage. And I was left with the mystery guest, the booby prize. Behind a curtain came out this bulky 40 year old woman. I'm 30 per cent sure she was a woman. We were led up the familiar staircase to the curtained room. Off with my clothes, and I lay down, my limp penis shrivelling away from her rough and cruel looking hands. Jonny and Henry were already laughing and kissing their girls. Not mine, there was no affection. She stared down harshly into my eyes and began the massage.
So the massage. I can't really call it a massage. It was a violation. I was essentially raped. She began not with a light massage of the shoulders but by cracking my knuckles and digging her fists into my elbow joints. Next she started to nipple cripple me. At first it was light and playful, then she really twisted them.
'You like?' She said staring down at my horrified face.
I remained silent. She then started to pull my nipple hairs out. Then she bypassed the handy and went straight for the arse. Now I don't mind a bit of gooch play when I'm getting wanked off. In fact, I'll even let a girl put a finger up there. But this was neither. She pulled some of my gooch hairs out, then slowly at first, but then with relish and vigour, forced three fingers, well past knuckle, straight up my arse hole, and seemed to be scratching about in there. It hurt a lot. I tried to tighten my arse muscles to force her out, but it didn't work. Was it her fingers up my arse that gave me the erection? Because I was rock hard.
Then came the handjob. Jonny was getting a long loving wank, off his, and fucking Henry had manipulated his to take off her top and suck him off. Mine remained fully clothed, and worked my cock. No lube, no spit, a dry powerful handy. My cock was red raw in seconds. It was an 'unhappy ending', and it took a long time. As I came she turned my cock onto myself, so that I was left with a puddle of jizz in my belly button. I handed over the money and hobbled back to the hotel. My arse hole had expanded and my body had red marks all over it.
We watched the Ashes and went to bed. Poo seeped out my arse all night, I felt like I'd been raped.
We showed Imran and Oscar around Phuket. We'd show them it properly at night. The pros sleep during the day.
Then a massage. I was conned. Jonny and Henry walked in and took the two girls who were free for the massage. And I was left with the mystery guest, the booby prize. Behind a curtain came out this bulky 40 year old woman. I'm 30 per cent sure she was a woman. We were led up the familiar staircase to the curtained room. Off with my clothes, and I lay down, my limp penis shrivelling away from her rough and cruel looking hands. Jonny and Henry were already laughing and kissing their girls. Not mine, there was no affection. She stared down harshly into my eyes and began the massage.
So the massage. I can't really call it a massage. It was a violation. I was essentially raped. She began not with a light massage of the shoulders but by cracking my knuckles and digging her fists into my elbow joints. Next she started to nipple cripple me. At first it was light and playful, then she really twisted them.
'You like?' She said staring down at my horrified face.
I remained silent. She then started to pull my nipple hairs out. Then she bypassed the handy and went straight for the arse. Now I don't mind a bit of gooch play when I'm getting wanked off. In fact, I'll even let a girl put a finger up there. But this was neither. She pulled some of my gooch hairs out, then slowly at first, but then with relish and vigour, forced three fingers, well past knuckle, straight up my arse hole, and seemed to be scratching about in there. It hurt a lot. I tried to tighten my arse muscles to force her out, but it didn't work. Was it her fingers up my arse that gave me the erection? Because I was rock hard.
Then came the handjob. Jonny was getting a long loving wank, off his, and fucking Henry had manipulated his to take off her top and suck him off. Mine remained fully clothed, and worked my cock. No lube, no spit, a dry powerful handy. My cock was red raw in seconds. It was an 'unhappy ending', and it took a long time. As I came she turned my cock onto myself, so that I was left with a puddle of jizz in my belly button. I handed over the money and hobbled back to the hotel. My arse hole had expanded and my body had red marks all over it.
We watched the Ashes and went to bed. Poo seeped out my arse all night, I felt like I'd been raped.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Day 14: Reggae Bird
Another early wake up for a tour around the islands. We went to the place where The Beach was filmed (Maya Bay). A bit of an anticlimax, loads of people, petrol in the water from all the boats, litter everywhere. It looked good though. To get to the beach we had to swim to some ladders, which were against a steep rock face. There was a patch of coral before the ladder which we all had to clamber over, trying to hold onto a rope that was loose and covered in slippy seaweed. I nearly lost my fucking leg on the coral, and the waves kept hammering against me. So turning up to see an average sight at the cost of my leg probably wasn't worth it.
At the first stop we all climbed onto the roof of the boat. It was three decks high and the roof was another 8 or so foot up. We all managed to get up, apart from Jonny, who'd just lubed himself up in coconut oil before attempting the running jump and grab at the 8 foot ledge. He surprisingly made it, but the oil worked against him, and he fell backwards, legs straight up in the air, onto his back and head. The whole boat laughed, and he just did a stupid smile. As if that wasn't stupid enough for him, he then shouted 'here watch is make this jump' and threw his mask and snorkel into the water, before posing and asking somebody to take a photo of him. So there went his mask and snorkel and another heavy fine. We'd been warned about thirty times before getting on the boat that they were expensive and that they didn't float.
One island was deserted except for a wooden hut and a few hens. I've never seen anybody more shocked and amazed by the hens than Jonny. 'Err, here man, how the fuck can hens live in Thailand? They're from England not fucking Thailand, that's fucking mental that'.
We were all tired and not really up for a night out, but we were leaving Phi Phi tomorrow so we decided to make the most of it. Six red bulls and some Changs (served by the curvy smiley (fat) waitress I later fucked). We watched more kick boxing. First fight was two kids, about 10, and they kicked shit out of each other, and the fight had to eventually get stopped. Next was even better, two girls, one was skinny and had no power in her punches, the other was like Henry's ex, a big fat shot putter, massive iron jaw and a mean right hook. Her finishing move was a swinging haymaker directly to the face, which knocked the skinny one over the top ropes and out of the ring.
Oli and his fucking entourage of birds came in. I'll not get started on him again. He looked devilishly handsome and had the girls wet at his feet.
Two birds who had been on the island tour were in the bar, and we got talking to them. We were all after one of them. She had died maroon hair, frumpy is the best way to describe her, but she looked like the type who gave a cracking blowie and would let you rim her if she could rim you first. So we all tried our luck with her and kind of cock blocked each other in doing so. I gave up. When Henry is in the game, you tend not to get the bird. Now that's not because he's special at getting birds, or particularly good looking, it's raw persistence. I've seen him offer one girl good money before back in Newcastle. He won't leave them alone and will reduce himself to such a low level to get them.
We headed to the beach, and soon things weren't making sense, and Jonny was with the red haired girl and Henry was going off with another one, and I was with Oscar trying to pick up the scraps. Imran was off with a fit blonde, who he power humped back at hers and made it back to the beach before we left.
Henry met back up with me and we went on the hunt for rat. He used one of the worst lines I've heard in a while. Two very fit girls were sitting down enjoying a drink. Henry dragged me over, his top stained with sauce from dinner, sweat on his forehead, his fat arse being exaggerated by his tight football shorts. 'Excuse me girls have you got the time, (then he faked a yawn) actually I think I'll just sit down here next to you, feet are getting a little tired (he said the last bit in a kind of yawning Deep South America voice)'. That's when I realised that Mo was the new Doctor Love. The girls got up and left, hurt by the fact that two fattys (me and Henry) thought we even stood a chance.
Jonny went off with the red hair. What happened was he started fucking her on the beach for a while, and people kept walking past and he kept losing his erection, and she got sand up her cunt which hurt them both. So they went back to hers, but thing was she was staying with this girl, who happened to be a dwarf and a lesbian, and she was protective about her mate, so as Jonny was just about to dribble out his load, this dwarf started shouting at him and scratching and hitting him with her shoes. So Jonny ran, taking some of their money and maybe jewelery and came back.
The waitress from Reggae Bar came up to me and started dancing. I was surprised. Apparently in the bar I'd told her to come and find me later. So she had done. I soon led her away. We went to a wooden fishing boat and sat in it. The tide was right out, and I told her a Tsunami was coming, which was probably a bit insensitive of me given a Tsunami had recently killed loads of Thais. She was being a bit tight with what she was willing to hand out. One of those girls who let you feed the horse, but don't return the favour. There is such a classic example of one in Newcastle, who so many of us have jabbed, but I won't name her. So I unbuttoned my pants and she looked at it for a while and put it in her mouth ('Don't just stare at it eat' I blurted out. She didn't get the joke,). It wasn't the best blowie, not toothy, just very little movement, she just dribbled on it a bit and then said we should go back.
Led her back to the hotel, and got her into bed. I took all my clothes off before she'd even sat down on the bed, and soon I was fingering her. It was making that wet squelch which always turns me on. But then she said she had to go and get changed. I figured she was bailing, so I threw my fingers up her aggressively and turned over and went to sleep.
What must have been about an hour later she was shaking me awake. She'd left and had come back in a different outfit. It was weird.
So I lay her down and took her pants off. She seemed a bit nervous, so I told her I loved her and kissed her softly. As I got down to the cunt, which smelt like a cunt (I'm not a fan of girls who's pussy smells of honey and roses, it's not pleasant, I like hair, maybe vintage, and a good strong smell, maybe a hint of piss in there). She had just that type of vagina.
'No, I have not wash today.' She said, apologetically, expecting this to deter me.
I smiled, laughed, and delved in. Pubes in my teeth, I rubbed the juices all over my face. I was ravenous. Chewing the clit, spitting, forcing four fingers up making her squeal a bit in pain, then biting her neck and legs. Was I biting her shin? That's the second shin I've bitten this summer.
(Whilst I was doing all this, Mo was on the other bed, in a cold sweat. He had a bit of a fever, and had been throwing up, and was in desperate need of sleep.)
I fucked her three times and enjoyed it. I woke up an hour later and she was gone, then in the morning she was next to me. I never understood this. She said goodbye to me, taking my name (she later added me on Facebook- she definitely wasn't the curvy smiley waitress I'd imagined).
So we got back on the boat and left Phi Phi. Back to Phuket, and more sordid adventures. Maybe if Mo had written this diary you would have a better idea of the cultural side of Thailand, or the scenery. But Mo didn't write it, and in Phuket we all enjoy some more young pros.
At the first stop we all climbed onto the roof of the boat. It was three decks high and the roof was another 8 or so foot up. We all managed to get up, apart from Jonny, who'd just lubed himself up in coconut oil before attempting the running jump and grab at the 8 foot ledge. He surprisingly made it, but the oil worked against him, and he fell backwards, legs straight up in the air, onto his back and head. The whole boat laughed, and he just did a stupid smile. As if that wasn't stupid enough for him, he then shouted 'here watch is make this jump' and threw his mask and snorkel into the water, before posing and asking somebody to take a photo of him. So there went his mask and snorkel and another heavy fine. We'd been warned about thirty times before getting on the boat that they were expensive and that they didn't float.
One island was deserted except for a wooden hut and a few hens. I've never seen anybody more shocked and amazed by the hens than Jonny. 'Err, here man, how the fuck can hens live in Thailand? They're from England not fucking Thailand, that's fucking mental that'.
We were all tired and not really up for a night out, but we were leaving Phi Phi tomorrow so we decided to make the most of it. Six red bulls and some Changs (served by the curvy smiley (fat) waitress I later fucked). We watched more kick boxing. First fight was two kids, about 10, and they kicked shit out of each other, and the fight had to eventually get stopped. Next was even better, two girls, one was skinny and had no power in her punches, the other was like Henry's ex, a big fat shot putter, massive iron jaw and a mean right hook. Her finishing move was a swinging haymaker directly to the face, which knocked the skinny one over the top ropes and out of the ring.
Oli and his fucking entourage of birds came in. I'll not get started on him again. He looked devilishly handsome and had the girls wet at his feet.
Two birds who had been on the island tour were in the bar, and we got talking to them. We were all after one of them. She had died maroon hair, frumpy is the best way to describe her, but she looked like the type who gave a cracking blowie and would let you rim her if she could rim you first. So we all tried our luck with her and kind of cock blocked each other in doing so. I gave up. When Henry is in the game, you tend not to get the bird. Now that's not because he's special at getting birds, or particularly good looking, it's raw persistence. I've seen him offer one girl good money before back in Newcastle. He won't leave them alone and will reduce himself to such a low level to get them.
We headed to the beach, and soon things weren't making sense, and Jonny was with the red haired girl and Henry was going off with another one, and I was with Oscar trying to pick up the scraps. Imran was off with a fit blonde, who he power humped back at hers and made it back to the beach before we left.
Henry met back up with me and we went on the hunt for rat. He used one of the worst lines I've heard in a while. Two very fit girls were sitting down enjoying a drink. Henry dragged me over, his top stained with sauce from dinner, sweat on his forehead, his fat arse being exaggerated by his tight football shorts. 'Excuse me girls have you got the time, (then he faked a yawn) actually I think I'll just sit down here next to you, feet are getting a little tired (he said the last bit in a kind of yawning Deep South America voice)'. That's when I realised that Mo was the new Doctor Love. The girls got up and left, hurt by the fact that two fattys (me and Henry) thought we even stood a chance.
Jonny went off with the red hair. What happened was he started fucking her on the beach for a while, and people kept walking past and he kept losing his erection, and she got sand up her cunt which hurt them both. So they went back to hers, but thing was she was staying with this girl, who happened to be a dwarf and a lesbian, and she was protective about her mate, so as Jonny was just about to dribble out his load, this dwarf started shouting at him and scratching and hitting him with her shoes. So Jonny ran, taking some of their money and maybe jewelery and came back.
The waitress from Reggae Bar came up to me and started dancing. I was surprised. Apparently in the bar I'd told her to come and find me later. So she had done. I soon led her away. We went to a wooden fishing boat and sat in it. The tide was right out, and I told her a Tsunami was coming, which was probably a bit insensitive of me given a Tsunami had recently killed loads of Thais. She was being a bit tight with what she was willing to hand out. One of those girls who let you feed the horse, but don't return the favour. There is such a classic example of one in Newcastle, who so many of us have jabbed, but I won't name her. So I unbuttoned my pants and she looked at it for a while and put it in her mouth ('Don't just stare at it eat' I blurted out. She didn't get the joke,). It wasn't the best blowie, not toothy, just very little movement, she just dribbled on it a bit and then said we should go back.
Led her back to the hotel, and got her into bed. I took all my clothes off before she'd even sat down on the bed, and soon I was fingering her. It was making that wet squelch which always turns me on. But then she said she had to go and get changed. I figured she was bailing, so I threw my fingers up her aggressively and turned over and went to sleep.
What must have been about an hour later she was shaking me awake. She'd left and had come back in a different outfit. It was weird.
So I lay her down and took her pants off. She seemed a bit nervous, so I told her I loved her and kissed her softly. As I got down to the cunt, which smelt like a cunt (I'm not a fan of girls who's pussy smells of honey and roses, it's not pleasant, I like hair, maybe vintage, and a good strong smell, maybe a hint of piss in there). She had just that type of vagina.
'No, I have not wash today.' She said, apologetically, expecting this to deter me.
I smiled, laughed, and delved in. Pubes in my teeth, I rubbed the juices all over my face. I was ravenous. Chewing the clit, spitting, forcing four fingers up making her squeal a bit in pain, then biting her neck and legs. Was I biting her shin? That's the second shin I've bitten this summer.
(Whilst I was doing all this, Mo was on the other bed, in a cold sweat. He had a bit of a fever, and had been throwing up, and was in desperate need of sleep.)
I fucked her three times and enjoyed it. I woke up an hour later and she was gone, then in the morning she was next to me. I never understood this. She said goodbye to me, taking my name (she later added me on Facebook- she definitely wasn't the curvy smiley waitress I'd imagined).
So we got back on the boat and left Phi Phi. Back to Phuket, and more sordid adventures. Maybe if Mo had written this diary you would have a better idea of the cultural side of Thailand, or the scenery. But Mo didn't write it, and in Phuket we all enjoy some more young pros.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Day 13: Sharks
Mel woke me up early to say goodbye. I was still drunk and didn't understand that she was leaving, so I just took the kiss and turned over. When I woke up a few hours later, she was gone, and I'd never see her again.
Steaming hangover which wasn't helped by the sun and a banana boat. The banana boats in Thailand aren't like the ones I've been on in Spain. To begin with the bay we were going into was called 'Shark Bay'. I thought he'd just take us to the edge of the bay, but no, he went about a mile out into the dark blue water. Secondly the life jackets weren't really life jackets, they were ripped and didn't float anymore, and were all too small. Then six of us crammed onto a boat that only held five, so there wasn't enough handles. And we had another crazy gook in charge. I swear all gooks are fucking nuts. This one was determined to make us come off at full pace.
Mo had an open gash on his leg, and my toe was bleeding from where I'd laced a rock drunk last night. I couldn't stop thinking about that scene in The Beach (which we'd watched last night before going out) where they get their legs and stomach ripped off by the shark. So naturally I was scared. It was fun though. We all came off about 30 metres from each other and were alone in the water. With my gut I'm surprised the sharks didn't mistake me for a big juicy seal. We all swam as quickly as we could back to the boat and clambered on. Towards the end of the ride, Oscar and Henry teamed up and threw a few jabs to my ribs and caught me with an elbow to the jaw which knocked me off the back of the boat. I managed to pull Mo off with me, but sharks don't like the taste of Paki, so I was lucky to survive.
After a workout on the banana boat, it was lunch, which never fucking came. The Thai men were just smoking and lying back in the sun listening to Bob Marley and didn't fancy cooking our burgers. Jonny blurted out 'Here man I'm famine'. 'Famine'. Sometimes he shocks us with his stupidity. There are hundreds of things he said which just I've forgotten. He's like a infantile retard who can't really talk properly.
Missing lunch was made up for by having a large dinner. We were getting a bit sick of Thai food, as we all had the shits, so we went to a sort of American diner where they served Oreo milkshakes and I had chicken with tomato sauce and stringy melted Parmesan. It was cheap and tasted good.
On the walk home, I passed by the food stalls which were shut for the night. A huge rat, with thick brown and grey hair was scurrying amongst the packs of noodles, and chewing into a bag of rice. It put me off food for a while. In Thailand you've got to just ignore those sort of things though. Like in Bangkok we happily ate chicken skewers on the street even though we could see it wasn't really cooked and there were flies all over it.
I got a bit low about Mel. I say low, I was turned on and after a quick wank didn't really think about her. But I did like (love) her and I'd probably have married her if she'd have let me.
I hope Oli chokes on his sick tonight. The wanker is probably making perfect tender love to his bird right now. I thought about this for a while, lying on my sand and jizz covered bed reading, and got a bit of a semi. It was a quiet sort of night and nothing really happened.
Jonny managed to knock up a healthy bill on his phone. He was texting a young girl from Newcastle. I'll use her real name- Charlotte Mak. I've got to say she is fairly attractive, got that gook look about her as well, which will make it hard not to want to spit in her face. Turns out after we got back, Jonny took this Charlotte bird to the cinema twice, the fucking Hancock museum, for a walk along Hadrian's Wall and to meet his granny. Fucking bamp. And he didn't even get a handy or wet his fingers. So it was probably worth the bill he knocked up texting her.
Steaming hangover which wasn't helped by the sun and a banana boat. The banana boats in Thailand aren't like the ones I've been on in Spain. To begin with the bay we were going into was called 'Shark Bay'. I thought he'd just take us to the edge of the bay, but no, he went about a mile out into the dark blue water. Secondly the life jackets weren't really life jackets, they were ripped and didn't float anymore, and were all too small. Then six of us crammed onto a boat that only held five, so there wasn't enough handles. And we had another crazy gook in charge. I swear all gooks are fucking nuts. This one was determined to make us come off at full pace.
Mo had an open gash on his leg, and my toe was bleeding from where I'd laced a rock drunk last night. I couldn't stop thinking about that scene in The Beach (which we'd watched last night before going out) where they get their legs and stomach ripped off by the shark. So naturally I was scared. It was fun though. We all came off about 30 metres from each other and were alone in the water. With my gut I'm surprised the sharks didn't mistake me for a big juicy seal. We all swam as quickly as we could back to the boat and clambered on. Towards the end of the ride, Oscar and Henry teamed up and threw a few jabs to my ribs and caught me with an elbow to the jaw which knocked me off the back of the boat. I managed to pull Mo off with me, but sharks don't like the taste of Paki, so I was lucky to survive.
After a workout on the banana boat, it was lunch, which never fucking came. The Thai men were just smoking and lying back in the sun listening to Bob Marley and didn't fancy cooking our burgers. Jonny blurted out 'Here man I'm famine'. 'Famine'. Sometimes he shocks us with his stupidity. There are hundreds of things he said which just I've forgotten. He's like a infantile retard who can't really talk properly.
Missing lunch was made up for by having a large dinner. We were getting a bit sick of Thai food, as we all had the shits, so we went to a sort of American diner where they served Oreo milkshakes and I had chicken with tomato sauce and stringy melted Parmesan. It was cheap and tasted good.
On the walk home, I passed by the food stalls which were shut for the night. A huge rat, with thick brown and grey hair was scurrying amongst the packs of noodles, and chewing into a bag of rice. It put me off food for a while. In Thailand you've got to just ignore those sort of things though. Like in Bangkok we happily ate chicken skewers on the street even though we could see it wasn't really cooked and there were flies all over it.
I got a bit low about Mel. I say low, I was turned on and after a quick wank didn't really think about her. But I did like (love) her and I'd probably have married her if she'd have let me.
I hope Oli chokes on his sick tonight. The wanker is probably making perfect tender love to his bird right now. I thought about this for a while, lying on my sand and jizz covered bed reading, and got a bit of a semi. It was a quiet sort of night and nothing really happened.
Jonny managed to knock up a healthy bill on his phone. He was texting a young girl from Newcastle. I'll use her real name- Charlotte Mak. I've got to say she is fairly attractive, got that gook look about her as well, which will make it hard not to want to spit in her face. Turns out after we got back, Jonny took this Charlotte bird to the cinema twice, the fucking Hancock museum, for a walk along Hadrian's Wall and to meet his granny. Fucking bamp. And he didn't even get a handy or wet his fingers. So it was probably worth the bill he knocked up texting her.
Monday, 5 April 2010
Day 12: Phi Phi
A very rocky boat journey. It was cold and wet and the waves were coming on board. A family, 4 of them, just wouldn't stop being sick. It was comical. I can't really describe what it sounded like. But imagine a man shouting 'grhhhh rapurrrrr' at the top of his voice, hitting himself in the gut and then throwing up into his wife's lap. It was like that. Then his wife was sick, and she screamed and then the two children were sick on their tops. We were sitting right next to them. So the next 3 hours were unpleasant.
Eventually arrived at Phi Phi, which is a smaller version of Koh Tao. The island is filled with travellers, and it's so small that you soon become familiar with all of the people there. How can I not sound like a bamp and talk about the views? I can't. So I'll just sound like one. Even though it was overcast the views were breathtaking (mother nature in all her beauty). The bay was surrounded by cliffs of rock, covered with dark green trees. The water had patches of clear where shoals of small fish clustered together (Jonny later tried to catch these fish again in a cup).
We met up with Oscar and Imran and spent the day on the beach. There is about 4 birds for every lad. But most of the lads are ripped and look like cunts. Me and Henry will have to be on fire to stand a chance.
Started the night in the Reggae Bar, played some pool and drank small Tiger beers and Changs. Wandered over to another bar for an hour, which was called something 'Velvet', but Jonny mistook for 'Belvedere Combover'. Then it was back to Reggae Bar to watch the Thai kick boxing.
A nails bald Scouser owned the bar with his brother and uncle. They were complete cunts. The uncle was a dirty old perv, about 50, he had gold chains all over him, saggy tits, and an open white linen shirt. The brother was just a lanky tit, who thought he knew how to box and got up in the ring with the main guy and sparred for a bit, trying to impress all the girls watching who didn't even look at him.
The main guy: the big bald nutter
There has never been anybody harder. Ever. He had tats all over his arms and back, a thick neck, scars on his head, a mean looking face, stocky, hated travellers and went through the back of a pro each night. He was fucking nails.
People got invited up to fight each other, and if I'd had a pair of hangers between my legs I'd have got up. (If I went back next year it would be one of the things I'd love to do. Saying that I'd probably bottle it again.) There was talk of me and Jonny getting up and fighting each other, but he'd have nailed me, so I said I was too drunk.
We were sitting next to a group of guys, who where in their early twenties, from South Africa. The nails skinhead challenged one of them, who looked terrified,and we encouraged him to get up saying he'd stand a chance. He was called Dave, quite a stocky little bastard, but didn't really stand a chance.
The bell rang and the fight started. Dave took the first round to the crowd's delight, he stayed against the ropes and when the skinhead moved in, Dave did swift clever sidesteps, throwing hooks and jabs. The second round was much the same, and the uncle and brother who were commentating couldn't believe that the champion of Phi Phi was about to get beaten. We were shouting for Dave, the whole crowd was. Then the skinhead threw a haymaker, right across Dave's right eye, and followed it with an upper cut to the nose, Dave was on the deck, and it had probably ruined his holiday. Chin up Dave.
Next fight was memorable. An Irish lad with braids got up. He was a right ugly cunt. Gaunt face, hollow eyes, goofy teeth. The complete opposite of him got up. Oli.
Now I'll tell you about Oli. He had been in the bar all night, sitting with a group of six girls, all of them stunning, one of them his girlfriend, and they all loved him. He was one of those lame freshers who loves drinking games and is good at every sport. He had blond hair, short and spiked up, a perfect body, I mean fucking perfect- six pack, good arms, legs were muscly. His face was chiseled. He looked like Brad Pitt. And we all immediately hated him. You know why. Because he reminded us of James King. Fucking James King. The man I'll never be. I'm writing this blog a year later, having lost weight and worked out, and I'm still nothing compared to him. So we had it in for Oli.
'Oli Oli,' we shouted. He turned to us and with his posh beautiful Oxford voice and tense muscles replied 'Yes guys, what's up?'
'Fuck off you posh wanker. I'll eat your fucking spleen.' Mo shouted, standing on the table, throwing his drink onto the ground.
'I'm gonna mush up your kidney Oli and stab your bird you fuck' I shouted.
'Your birds a fucking slut and I'm gonna rape her and make you watch.' Jonny shouted also standing on the table.
Oli was scared by this point. The crowd were disgusted that we had torn into their champ. That's what he was. That's what King is. The people's fucking champ. Everybody's hero. My hero.
'You cunt, you fucking cunt Oli. I'll piss on you.' Oscar came in with.
We gave him grief through the whole fight. I don't think the Irish guy touched him. Oli danced past every punch, ducking, throwing jabs to the face and stomach. The crowd were going wild. Tears of envy and pride were in my eyes. We had to applaud him. What a cunt. The Irish guy was almost dead by the third round (we saw him later that night and he had two black eyes, a cut on his cheek and fat popped lips).
The bald nutter had overheard our abuse. And he wasn't happy. He walked over to our table and chose to vent his anger on Mo. Because Mo is a curry guzzler, and nobody likes a fucking dirty Arab.
'Why don't me and you take this outside?' The nutter said, punching his fist into the palm of his hand, imagining how easy it would be to crush our skulls.
'Sorry?' Mo stuttered, shitting himself.
'We'll take this outside.'
Now Mo was drunk and wasn't in any state to negotiate his way out of a fight, so he apolgised as much as he could before quickly leaving the bar and hiding on the beach.
We found Mo later on, shivering in a darkened corner of the club on the beach. And the night started.
A few shots of Tequila and a bucket of whiskey and coke got us ready for a dance on the beach. The tide was out, and hundreds of people were dancing closely together. A lot of people were getting burnt by the fire rope. We saw Oli do it, and unsurprisingly he jumped over the rope time and time again. The crowd wet again.
We sat in a group talking to 2 Scottish birds. Their patter was gash. But it didn't deter Henry, who's horn was on. He went for the uglier of the two, probably because he didn't fancy the gamble of going for the better one and losing out. Harry started talking to the fat one. I really don't know why he's started this thing for fat birds, but he's definitely the surprise pig of the holiday.
So the rest of us walked down to where everybody was dancing and soon split up. I found myself staring at a girl. The way she was dancing was making me hard. Her hair was swaying and her hips and tight little arse were moving in rhythm with the music. I stumbled over to her, and tried the immediate grind. She knocked me back at first, probably because she felt my semi touch her back. But I wasn't giving up. Jonny was dancing with a fucking rough bird next to me. She was about 40 and looked like she'd been in a horrific accident, she had a gammy hand and a lazy eye and looked like a horse.
The girl I was after was called Mel. She was Australian/Thai. Spoke in a weird accent, but understood everything I said. I was worried that she was a cock tease because I was buying her drinks and dancing, and she was grinding me by this point but every time I lent in she would swirl away. She was a great dancer though and I wasn't too bothered.
Jonny was playing those hand slapping games that you see 8 year old girls playing in the schoolyard with his bird. What the fuck was he doing? If that's how you get your tally with birds up, then I'm out.
We walked across the beach with Jonny and his bird, towards their hotel. I stopped and asked if she wanted to go into the sea, and next thing I was in the water, quite far out with her, it was pitch black, and she had her legs wrapped round me and I was lovingly kissing her and telling her I knew I'd loved her from the moment I'd seen her and she was giving me a bit of a handy with her soft small hands.
Arrived at her hotel, where Jonny was trying to convince his to let him stay there (turns out they were friends). She was having none of it, and Jonny got angry and aggressive and shouted 'But here man looka I've got fucking condoms'. It didn't convince her and he walked back to our room alone.
I took Mel back to mine in the end. Mo was passed out on the bed with Harry. I had a shower with her, she had tiny hips and small tits. A completely bare minge. (Does that desciption make her sound 12? She was actually 23. The one in Phuket was probably 12) We went onto my bed and had sex for over an hour. It was the performance of my life. Did I call her Carly throughout? And tell her I loved her? Maybe. All I know was she let me lick her minge for ages, and I came three times.
Eventually arrived at Phi Phi, which is a smaller version of Koh Tao. The island is filled with travellers, and it's so small that you soon become familiar with all of the people there. How can I not sound like a bamp and talk about the views? I can't. So I'll just sound like one. Even though it was overcast the views were breathtaking (mother nature in all her beauty). The bay was surrounded by cliffs of rock, covered with dark green trees. The water had patches of clear where shoals of small fish clustered together (Jonny later tried to catch these fish again in a cup).
We met up with Oscar and Imran and spent the day on the beach. There is about 4 birds for every lad. But most of the lads are ripped and look like cunts. Me and Henry will have to be on fire to stand a chance.
Started the night in the Reggae Bar, played some pool and drank small Tiger beers and Changs. Wandered over to another bar for an hour, which was called something 'Velvet', but Jonny mistook for 'Belvedere Combover'. Then it was back to Reggae Bar to watch the Thai kick boxing.
A nails bald Scouser owned the bar with his brother and uncle. They were complete cunts. The uncle was a dirty old perv, about 50, he had gold chains all over him, saggy tits, and an open white linen shirt. The brother was just a lanky tit, who thought he knew how to box and got up in the ring with the main guy and sparred for a bit, trying to impress all the girls watching who didn't even look at him.
The main guy: the big bald nutter
There has never been anybody harder. Ever. He had tats all over his arms and back, a thick neck, scars on his head, a mean looking face, stocky, hated travellers and went through the back of a pro each night. He was fucking nails.
People got invited up to fight each other, and if I'd had a pair of hangers between my legs I'd have got up. (If I went back next year it would be one of the things I'd love to do. Saying that I'd probably bottle it again.) There was talk of me and Jonny getting up and fighting each other, but he'd have nailed me, so I said I was too drunk.
We were sitting next to a group of guys, who where in their early twenties, from South Africa. The nails skinhead challenged one of them, who looked terrified,and we encouraged him to get up saying he'd stand a chance. He was called Dave, quite a stocky little bastard, but didn't really stand a chance.
The bell rang and the fight started. Dave took the first round to the crowd's delight, he stayed against the ropes and when the skinhead moved in, Dave did swift clever sidesteps, throwing hooks and jabs. The second round was much the same, and the uncle and brother who were commentating couldn't believe that the champion of Phi Phi was about to get beaten. We were shouting for Dave, the whole crowd was. Then the skinhead threw a haymaker, right across Dave's right eye, and followed it with an upper cut to the nose, Dave was on the deck, and it had probably ruined his holiday. Chin up Dave.
Next fight was memorable. An Irish lad with braids got up. He was a right ugly cunt. Gaunt face, hollow eyes, goofy teeth. The complete opposite of him got up. Oli.
Now I'll tell you about Oli. He had been in the bar all night, sitting with a group of six girls, all of them stunning, one of them his girlfriend, and they all loved him. He was one of those lame freshers who loves drinking games and is good at every sport. He had blond hair, short and spiked up, a perfect body, I mean fucking perfect- six pack, good arms, legs were muscly. His face was chiseled. He looked like Brad Pitt. And we all immediately hated him. You know why. Because he reminded us of James King. Fucking James King. The man I'll never be. I'm writing this blog a year later, having lost weight and worked out, and I'm still nothing compared to him. So we had it in for Oli.
'Oli Oli,' we shouted. He turned to us and with his posh beautiful Oxford voice and tense muscles replied 'Yes guys, what's up?'
'Fuck off you posh wanker. I'll eat your fucking spleen.' Mo shouted, standing on the table, throwing his drink onto the ground.
'I'm gonna mush up your kidney Oli and stab your bird you fuck' I shouted.
'Your birds a fucking slut and I'm gonna rape her and make you watch.' Jonny shouted also standing on the table.
Oli was scared by this point. The crowd were disgusted that we had torn into their champ. That's what he was. That's what King is. The people's fucking champ. Everybody's hero. My hero.
'You cunt, you fucking cunt Oli. I'll piss on you.' Oscar came in with.
We gave him grief through the whole fight. I don't think the Irish guy touched him. Oli danced past every punch, ducking, throwing jabs to the face and stomach. The crowd were going wild. Tears of envy and pride were in my eyes. We had to applaud him. What a cunt. The Irish guy was almost dead by the third round (we saw him later that night and he had two black eyes, a cut on his cheek and fat popped lips).
The bald nutter had overheard our abuse. And he wasn't happy. He walked over to our table and chose to vent his anger on Mo. Because Mo is a curry guzzler, and nobody likes a fucking dirty Arab.
'Why don't me and you take this outside?' The nutter said, punching his fist into the palm of his hand, imagining how easy it would be to crush our skulls.
'Sorry?' Mo stuttered, shitting himself.
'We'll take this outside.'
Now Mo was drunk and wasn't in any state to negotiate his way out of a fight, so he apolgised as much as he could before quickly leaving the bar and hiding on the beach.
We found Mo later on, shivering in a darkened corner of the club on the beach. And the night started.
A few shots of Tequila and a bucket of whiskey and coke got us ready for a dance on the beach. The tide was out, and hundreds of people were dancing closely together. A lot of people were getting burnt by the fire rope. We saw Oli do it, and unsurprisingly he jumped over the rope time and time again. The crowd wet again.
We sat in a group talking to 2 Scottish birds. Their patter was gash. But it didn't deter Henry, who's horn was on. He went for the uglier of the two, probably because he didn't fancy the gamble of going for the better one and losing out. Harry started talking to the fat one. I really don't know why he's started this thing for fat birds, but he's definitely the surprise pig of the holiday.
So the rest of us walked down to where everybody was dancing and soon split up. I found myself staring at a girl. The way she was dancing was making me hard. Her hair was swaying and her hips and tight little arse were moving in rhythm with the music. I stumbled over to her, and tried the immediate grind. She knocked me back at first, probably because she felt my semi touch her back. But I wasn't giving up. Jonny was dancing with a fucking rough bird next to me. She was about 40 and looked like she'd been in a horrific accident, she had a gammy hand and a lazy eye and looked like a horse.
The girl I was after was called Mel. She was Australian/Thai. Spoke in a weird accent, but understood everything I said. I was worried that she was a cock tease because I was buying her drinks and dancing, and she was grinding me by this point but every time I lent in she would swirl away. She was a great dancer though and I wasn't too bothered.
Jonny was playing those hand slapping games that you see 8 year old girls playing in the schoolyard with his bird. What the fuck was he doing? If that's how you get your tally with birds up, then I'm out.
We walked across the beach with Jonny and his bird, towards their hotel. I stopped and asked if she wanted to go into the sea, and next thing I was in the water, quite far out with her, it was pitch black, and she had her legs wrapped round me and I was lovingly kissing her and telling her I knew I'd loved her from the moment I'd seen her and she was giving me a bit of a handy with her soft small hands.
Arrived at her hotel, where Jonny was trying to convince his to let him stay there (turns out they were friends). She was having none of it, and Jonny got angry and aggressive and shouted 'But here man looka I've got fucking condoms'. It didn't convince her and he walked back to our room alone.
I took Mel back to mine in the end. Mo was passed out on the bed with Harry. I had a shower with her, she had tiny hips and small tits. A completely bare minge. (Does that desciption make her sound 12? She was actually 23. The one in Phuket was probably 12) We went onto my bed and had sex for over an hour. It was the performance of my life. Did I call her Carly throughout? And tell her I loved her? Maybe. All I know was she let me lick her minge for ages, and I came three times.
Day 11: Post Big Mac Guilt and a £5 Handy
A day in the sun oiled up, little bits of burger regurgitating every now and then. Tried to swim the length of the beach. It's about a mile long. I made a pretty good go at it, maybe made 400m until the fitness kicked in. A woman started swimming out towards me, shouting and waving. I stopped and let her get a bit closer, she was about 6 foot, iron jaw, tits out, which looked fake, chiseled abs and clearly wasn't a woman.
She got within about 10 metres of me and then dove under the water and disappeared. Then she popped up out of the water right in front of my face, like a big fucking ladyboy mermaid, and tried to mount me. I had no idea what she was saying so I bailed at full pace, my superb calves propelling me out of the water, and I ran back towards the hotel. (It's called Time Out, it's right on the beach. I'd recommend it. It's ran by giggly girls and they let you off when you bring a pro back. And they do a Ferrero Rocher ice cream which you have to try.)
Thai Massage.
Only the second of the trip. (I'm not including the one in Koh Tao as it didn't result in me prematurely ejaculating after 45 seconds). Me, Henry and Jonny went. It was down a back alley, it had a name like 'Happy Hands' or 'Magic Hands' and had neon pink signs with pictures of men with huge grins across their faces.
We were led up a flight of dimly lit narrow stairs, past closed doors and moans, to the top floor, which was a small room with 5 curtained booths. One of them was occupied, and as we entered we heard a mixture of a growl and cry from the closed booth. The growling continued and ended with some whispers from the Thai woman, before she left to wash her hands. I caught a glimpse of an old man with long white hair spread out across his naked tanned chest.
Me and Henry named the England 98 team whilst getting wanked off. Henry was a lot better at it than me. Me and Henry joined the 'minute-long club', which is depressing after you've just handed over the money. They just have such good technique and the pace they do it with the oil, wow, and then they stare in your eyes and don't speak, and it kind of turns you on more.
Jonny, on the other hand, couldn't finish. It didn't help that me and Henry were now watching him get beat off and making him laugh. But his little stump just wouldn't get erect. What a fat penis he has. To try and put him off we started talking to him about Tim Carter, his ex goalkeeper coach, ex because Tim recently hanged himself from a tree. Then we got on about his sister, calling her a complete whore (which she is) and it went on like that for a while before his semen slowly dribbled onto her hand and we made our way back the hotel.
Ended up going to see 'Transformers 2' in the cinema. It was a challenge to sit through 2 hours of it. Piss poor. The only funny moment, was when Jonny, whose feet fucking stank, hurried off to the bathroom in an attempt to wash them in the sink. So as he had his foot raised to the sink, 3 Thai men in there pissing and watching him, he slipped back and cracked his head and back on the tiled floor. So he was gone for about 20 minutes, returning and shouting 'Here man, you'll never fucking believe what happened, fell on the floor, fucking knacked, fucking cunt'. Most people in the cinema were turning around listening to him, disgusted by the talking merecat, the spluttering moron, the stupid keeper.
Phi Phi tomorrow.
She got within about 10 metres of me and then dove under the water and disappeared. Then she popped up out of the water right in front of my face, like a big fucking ladyboy mermaid, and tried to mount me. I had no idea what she was saying so I bailed at full pace, my superb calves propelling me out of the water, and I ran back towards the hotel. (It's called Time Out, it's right on the beach. I'd recommend it. It's ran by giggly girls and they let you off when you bring a pro back. And they do a Ferrero Rocher ice cream which you have to try.)
Thai Massage.
Only the second of the trip. (I'm not including the one in Koh Tao as it didn't result in me prematurely ejaculating after 45 seconds). Me, Henry and Jonny went. It was down a back alley, it had a name like 'Happy Hands' or 'Magic Hands' and had neon pink signs with pictures of men with huge grins across their faces.
We were led up a flight of dimly lit narrow stairs, past closed doors and moans, to the top floor, which was a small room with 5 curtained booths. One of them was occupied, and as we entered we heard a mixture of a growl and cry from the closed booth. The growling continued and ended with some whispers from the Thai woman, before she left to wash her hands. I caught a glimpse of an old man with long white hair spread out across his naked tanned chest.
Me and Henry named the England 98 team whilst getting wanked off. Henry was a lot better at it than me. Me and Henry joined the 'minute-long club', which is depressing after you've just handed over the money. They just have such good technique and the pace they do it with the oil, wow, and then they stare in your eyes and don't speak, and it kind of turns you on more.
Jonny, on the other hand, couldn't finish. It didn't help that me and Henry were now watching him get beat off and making him laugh. But his little stump just wouldn't get erect. What a fat penis he has. To try and put him off we started talking to him about Tim Carter, his ex goalkeeper coach, ex because Tim recently hanged himself from a tree. Then we got on about his sister, calling her a complete whore (which she is) and it went on like that for a while before his semen slowly dribbled onto her hand and we made our way back the hotel.
Ended up going to see 'Transformers 2' in the cinema. It was a challenge to sit through 2 hours of it. Piss poor. The only funny moment, was when Jonny, whose feet fucking stank, hurried off to the bathroom in an attempt to wash them in the sink. So as he had his foot raised to the sink, 3 Thai men in there pissing and watching him, he slipped back and cracked his head and back on the tiled floor. So he was gone for about 20 minutes, returning and shouting 'Here man, you'll never fucking believe what happened, fell on the floor, fucking knacked, fucking cunt'. Most people in the cinema were turning around listening to him, disgusted by the talking merecat, the spluttering moron, the stupid keeper.
Phi Phi tomorrow.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
Day 10: Elephants, Monkeys and Snakes
A McDonalds breakfast did not make the 7am wake up any better. We sat around in the morning sun eating a greasy burger and drinking cheap sugary orange juice, waiting for the bus to come. It arrived, and there was one other couple sitting there- a pig and his pro. He was about 65, pale faced, a pink denim baggy shirt, worn from years of wear, denim hot pants exposing his veiny saggy legs, sparse hairs spiraling up towards his shriveled cock and a thick grey moustache. His pro was older than usual, around 30, with a tired face and maybe a bruise on her lip.
We headed off for our adventure day. All we wanted was a little bit more sleep, but the tour guide- an attractive young Thai lady, smart, with a wide smile, and died red hair- kept talking on the microphone about the culture. After about half an hour I was awake and some of the things she said were quite interesting. She loved a joke about sex or death.
The first stop was the monkey caves. Loads of monkeys. You bought bananas and nuts and stood there and they climbed up you and took it from your hands. It probably wasn't safe, but Harry got involved and at one point was surrounded by monkeys, one on his head, another on his arm and one climbing up his shirt.
Then we made our way into the rainforest. The air was thick and humid, black bugs buzzed and landed on us. According to Dr. Virgin, for every 100 metres squared in a rainforest there are over 35,000 species of animals. We went on a minor trek through the forest, looking out for leaches and snakes. Jonny couldn't have been sweating much more. It was hard to breath in the air, and our backs were caked in insects, sweat and blood from where they'd been biting us.
Then there was the sound of water and we came out at a waterfall and a pool of freezing fresh water. We all went in swimming over to the waterfall and climbing up a slippy muddy bank before jumping off it. It took Jonny a while to come in, he was sure that there'd be some pythons swimming about.
After dossing in the water, we were taken further into the forest to a herd of elephants. Small Thai men waited around with bamboo sticks which they hit the elephants with. It seemed a bit cruel. I took the short straw and sat with a Belgian girl, who happened to be an acrobat in a circus. That was about the only thing she told me. She was skinny and I could see the outline of her left nipple if I looked long and carefully.
The elephants had thick hairy backs with scars from years of being whipped. They slowly walked along the banks of the river deeper into the forest. Mo and Harry's elephant went off the track for a bit, and the little Thai boy started panicking as it headed towards the edge of the slope. It would have been a funny sight seeing Mo fall to his death, but the Thai boy steered it back onto the path. Then the boy jumped off and told me I could ride it, so I slipped down from the seat and sat on its neck, and held onto its ears and kind of steered it in the general direction the boy was pointing.
Lunch. It was a feast. Bowls of steaming sticky rice and noddles with green beans and black pepper sauce, and deep fried chicken with sweet chili sauce and fresh coconut and chicken curry and fish cooked with pineapple and coriander.
It was a perfect lunch, but the white water rapids soon made us feel sick. 5 of us got on a raft that was meant for 4, and each were given an oar. Some crazy fucking gook instructor was in charge, and he really was mental. Before anybody else had set off he was powering ahead shouting orders at us and laughing and screaming. He forced us off course into the faster rapids and water was coming into the raft and we were all holding on. Jonny's oar nearly put my teeth out, I ripped a toenail off on the bottom of the raft, the instructor directed us at full pace into the side of a cliff, we all flew into each other and nearly fell out and we kept rowing over rocks. There was a snake coiled up in a tree above us and he deliberately slowed down and batted the tree trying to get it to fall into the raft. The look on Jonny's face when he saw the great big yellow snake was memorable. When we eventually stopped Jonny was too scared to even put a foot in the water.
We slept on the bus back, all exhausted, we'd had an adventure day out and felt like twelve year olds again. Only thing is, twelve year olds don't head back to their hotel with the sole view of rimming a pro that night.
The fucking morons who advertise the Thai boxing keep going past our window- 'Tonight Tonight Tonight Bangla Boxing Stadium. Bangla Boxing Stadium. Martial Arts. Tonight. Tonight. Most Dangerous in World. Tonight.'
FUCK OFF. Over and over again the same fucking siren and loudspeaker.
The night wasn't the best. The meal was expensive and didn't fill me and Henry dragged us to Limelight club, which was dead apart from a group of drunk British girls who quickly got snapped up by some arabs in there. So we sat with cheap watered down vodka and moaned. Then we went to a club full of pros, but I was sober and tired and it all seemed a bit dirty and the music was wank. So we left and on the way home I couldn't help but have the Double Big Mac meal with extra large fries. 1000 calories in the burger alone. So my fitness plans were scrapped again, and I spent the night squirting out greasy shit in the toilet.
We headed off for our adventure day. All we wanted was a little bit more sleep, but the tour guide- an attractive young Thai lady, smart, with a wide smile, and died red hair- kept talking on the microphone about the culture. After about half an hour I was awake and some of the things she said were quite interesting. She loved a joke about sex or death.
The first stop was the monkey caves. Loads of monkeys. You bought bananas and nuts and stood there and they climbed up you and took it from your hands. It probably wasn't safe, but Harry got involved and at one point was surrounded by monkeys, one on his head, another on his arm and one climbing up his shirt.
Then we made our way into the rainforest. The air was thick and humid, black bugs buzzed and landed on us. According to Dr. Virgin, for every 100 metres squared in a rainforest there are over 35,000 species of animals. We went on a minor trek through the forest, looking out for leaches and snakes. Jonny couldn't have been sweating much more. It was hard to breath in the air, and our backs were caked in insects, sweat and blood from where they'd been biting us.
Then there was the sound of water and we came out at a waterfall and a pool of freezing fresh water. We all went in swimming over to the waterfall and climbing up a slippy muddy bank before jumping off it. It took Jonny a while to come in, he was sure that there'd be some pythons swimming about.
After dossing in the water, we were taken further into the forest to a herd of elephants. Small Thai men waited around with bamboo sticks which they hit the elephants with. It seemed a bit cruel. I took the short straw and sat with a Belgian girl, who happened to be an acrobat in a circus. That was about the only thing she told me. She was skinny and I could see the outline of her left nipple if I looked long and carefully.
The elephants had thick hairy backs with scars from years of being whipped. They slowly walked along the banks of the river deeper into the forest. Mo and Harry's elephant went off the track for a bit, and the little Thai boy started panicking as it headed towards the edge of the slope. It would have been a funny sight seeing Mo fall to his death, but the Thai boy steered it back onto the path. Then the boy jumped off and told me I could ride it, so I slipped down from the seat and sat on its neck, and held onto its ears and kind of steered it in the general direction the boy was pointing.
Lunch. It was a feast. Bowls of steaming sticky rice and noddles with green beans and black pepper sauce, and deep fried chicken with sweet chili sauce and fresh coconut and chicken curry and fish cooked with pineapple and coriander.
It was a perfect lunch, but the white water rapids soon made us feel sick. 5 of us got on a raft that was meant for 4, and each were given an oar. Some crazy fucking gook instructor was in charge, and he really was mental. Before anybody else had set off he was powering ahead shouting orders at us and laughing and screaming. He forced us off course into the faster rapids and water was coming into the raft and we were all holding on. Jonny's oar nearly put my teeth out, I ripped a toenail off on the bottom of the raft, the instructor directed us at full pace into the side of a cliff, we all flew into each other and nearly fell out and we kept rowing over rocks. There was a snake coiled up in a tree above us and he deliberately slowed down and batted the tree trying to get it to fall into the raft. The look on Jonny's face when he saw the great big yellow snake was memorable. When we eventually stopped Jonny was too scared to even put a foot in the water.
We slept on the bus back, all exhausted, we'd had an adventure day out and felt like twelve year olds again. Only thing is, twelve year olds don't head back to their hotel with the sole view of rimming a pro that night.
The fucking morons who advertise the Thai boxing keep going past our window- 'Tonight Tonight Tonight Bangla Boxing Stadium. Bangla Boxing Stadium. Martial Arts. Tonight. Tonight. Most Dangerous in World. Tonight.'
FUCK OFF. Over and over again the same fucking siren and loudspeaker.
The night wasn't the best. The meal was expensive and didn't fill me and Henry dragged us to Limelight club, which was dead apart from a group of drunk British girls who quickly got snapped up by some arabs in there. So we sat with cheap watered down vodka and moaned. Then we went to a club full of pros, but I was sober and tired and it all seemed a bit dirty and the music was wank. So we left and on the way home I couldn't help but have the Double Big Mac meal with extra large fries. 1000 calories in the burger alone. So my fitness plans were scrapped again, and I spent the night squirting out greasy shit in the toilet.
Day 9: Discussing the Crab
I'll not dwell on the state of both rooms in the morning. Was it an orgy or a murder that had just taken place? I've felt better and my cock will be out of action for a day or two.
Jonny and Henry were still going. Mo had disappeared, so there was nothing else to do but go and lie on the beach and think things over. The weather was overcast and the sea was rough, so me and Harry went for a shop. Silent, and both feeling a little guilty.
We got harassed by suit sellers every thirty seconds. Fucking suits. I'm sick of suits. Mo wore his Egyptian Cotton again last night, and it still looked terrible. We ended up in a crowded dingy market where Thai men tried to sell fake football tops and Thai boxing gloves. All the stalls sell the same shit. I bought an ashtray of a man fucking a woman up the arse, and the dice throwing game you play with the pros. There was tshirt which summed up walking along the streets in Thailand- 'I don't want a fucking suit, tuc-tuc or massage'.
I've grown used to being in here. For the first week everything amazed me. Now it's all calmed down a bit. Seeing a 60 year old man with a young boy no longer shocks me. Things just happen like that in Phuket, and nobody really gives a shit.
We've eaten out every meal for the last 10 days. I'm still marginally lighter than Henry, but my shorts are feeling tight and it's unlikely I'm going to pull anybody other than a pro. The food in Phuket isn't great. It's westernised, and isn't as fresh as Koh Tao. People only come to Phuket for one thing.
So many people live off nothing here. It's easy to get irratated by the constant pestering on the streets but that is just how they make their living. It was a quiet kind of day. A complete contrast to last night. We had a few beers and watched the start of the Ashes, and talked about last night with disgust and glee.
Jonny and Henry were still going. Mo had disappeared, so there was nothing else to do but go and lie on the beach and think things over. The weather was overcast and the sea was rough, so me and Harry went for a shop. Silent, and both feeling a little guilty.
We got harassed by suit sellers every thirty seconds. Fucking suits. I'm sick of suits. Mo wore his Egyptian Cotton again last night, and it still looked terrible. We ended up in a crowded dingy market where Thai men tried to sell fake football tops and Thai boxing gloves. All the stalls sell the same shit. I bought an ashtray of a man fucking a woman up the arse, and the dice throwing game you play with the pros. There was tshirt which summed up walking along the streets in Thailand- 'I don't want a fucking suit, tuc-tuc or massage'.
I've grown used to being in here. For the first week everything amazed me. Now it's all calmed down a bit. Seeing a 60 year old man with a young boy no longer shocks me. Things just happen like that in Phuket, and nobody really gives a shit.
We've eaten out every meal for the last 10 days. I'm still marginally lighter than Henry, but my shorts are feeling tight and it's unlikely I'm going to pull anybody other than a pro. The food in Phuket isn't great. It's westernised, and isn't as fresh as Koh Tao. People only come to Phuket for one thing.
So many people live off nothing here. It's easy to get irratated by the constant pestering on the streets but that is just how they make their living. It was a quiet kind of day. A complete contrast to last night. We had a few beers and watched the start of the Ashes, and talked about last night with disgust and glee.
Friday, 2 April 2010
The Crab
Next thing I knew I was at another bar, Henry had his tongue down a pro's throat, he was massaging her arse and she was aggressively rubbing his cock. At another bar Jonny was surrounded by girls, he was spilling the contents of his wallet onto the counter, buying whiskey and beers for them all, his hands all over them.
An Indian pro came up to me, she wasn't very attractive, but I didn't mind. She made me buy her a drink, and after another whiskey she was looking alright. She dry humped me for a bit, which got me going, and I was reaching into her pants and trying to force a cheeky finger up the horse before I paid for her. Harry walked over, (for the sake of this blog I'll protect his dignity and say that he'd drank more than just two Changs), and next thing we were asking her how much it would cost for a threesome. She named a price and the money was handed over to a fat woman who was presumably her pimp. It's going to be hard when I get back to Newcastle not to try and buy girls.
We ended up in a club with her, both of us taking turns to pull and grope her. The whole club was filled with sex tourists (me and Harry being two of them) and prostitutes. People were having sex in the toilets, fingering pros up against the bar, fat men were dancing with their young boys, cheesy music was blasting. I just wanted to get back. We stumbled back up Bangla Road, Harry carrying her handbag, both of us holding her hand, pretty much dragging her back.
She began things shyly, sitting down on the bed, looking at her feet, asking if she could have a drink. No, you can't have a drink. I hid the contents of the mini bar in my bag and then opened the fridge to show her that there was nothing to drink. She then started going on about how she'd only sleep with us one at a time and that she needed to shower alone first. We'd found the only fucking frigid prostitute in the world. But we were determined and weren't going to give up. She made us both get a shower, and I hurriedly washed my cock, returning to the bedroom with my piece semi erect hanging out. But she still wasn't having it.
'Harry, go to the bathroom for a bit, I'll talk her into it.'
Harry left, and I put my arm around her and told her not to worry (just writing this is making me realise how wrong, but how fucking good the night actually was). She was in her towel, legs crossed and I gently pushed her back onto the bed and kissed her. She responded and slowly moved her tongue into my mouth. I was agitated with the pace at which things were going, so I pushed two fingers up her cunt. It was wet from the shower. She pushed her head back and closed her eyes and let out a little moan. She had a small tuft of pubic hair, well kept, she was tight and warm. I took my fingers out, glistening, and pushed them into her mouth. (Fuck, I'm actually hard writing this). And so it began.
Harry came back from the bathroom, cock out, nipple ring shining and made his way over to the bed. It began with her skipoling us, but we got bored of that, so took turns at letting her blow us. We both fingered her at the same time, forcing our hands right up, making her moan and squeal, she was soaking, a patch of wet on the bed. I was rock hard, the whiskey and red bull had given me the stamina and there wasn't a chance I was finishing quickly.
'Harry', I whispered, 'can you feel like two lumps in her minge?'
'What?'
'Can you feel like two balls right up in her minge?'
'One sec,' he said and pushed his fingers higher up her. 'No, not really.'
'You sure she's not a man?'
'Yea, I'm sure.'
'Well fuck it, we've come this far, no point worrying now.'
She had a tiny body, narrow hips, skinny legs, small brown tits with big hard nipples, a small birth mark, chocolate brown on her inner thing.
So Harry was taking her from behind whilst I forced my cock into the back of her throat, pushing her head down making her choke and gasp for breath. Tears in her eyes. Harry was spanking her, and we swapped. I forced myself hard into her, long powerful thrusts, my gut slamming against her arse, sweat all over me, panting.
A knock at the door. Two prostitutes, followed by a naked Jonny. The three pros went into the bathroom and Jonny told us that he'd made his sick by fucking her throat too hard. Henry had been a bit violent with his, and so both of them needed a break and had come up to my room. Me and Jonny had a cigarette and a beer to recharge, and Harry lay back on the bed massaging his piece. It was a horrible horrible fucking scene. And it was only just beginning.
They left and it was back to action. She kept taking my condom off, so I've definitely got AIDS now. I was too drunk to know what she was doing. Did I lick her out? Even worse, did I lick her out after me and Harry had been fucking her for twenty minutes? I was pulling out Bateman moves, tensing my weak flabby arms, watching myself fuck her in the mirror, running my hand through my greasy wet hair. Harry was high fiving me, and then spanking me, and I was screaming, and then I was slapping his arse.
Then we started spanking her again, this time as hard as we could, leaving red marks on her arse and back. She seemed to be enjoying it though and we let her slap us a bit. There were condoms all over the room by this point. I wanted to work her arse for a bit, but it was dry, so I sent Harry on the lube hunt, and he came back excitedly with hair conditioner from the bathroom and lathered her arse and back in it and I slipped my thumb up her arse whilst Harry fucked her. She wouldn't let me fuck her in the arse. I even offered her more money. The stupid bitch. I think it was because of this that I spat in her face, but maybe I just spat for the fun of it.
Then I'd picked her up and was throwing her against the mirror, turned on by my own power, she was moaning and saying 'I gonna orgasm, I gonna orgasm', and her whole body went tight around me, her long painted toenails digging into the back of my legs, and then I exploded and threw her back on the bed for Harry.
The Crab. What the fuck this was, I have no idea. But Harry put her on top of him and got in a crab position and started walking on his hands still fucking her. It was superb. All those rumours flying around about him shagging like a pornstar were confirmed. He was putting on a thick American accent, telling her that she was his little whore, and making her call him 'Papa Bear'.
I was ready to go again, and we started shouting football players at her. Screaming in her face.
'David Platt!'
'Say fucking David Platt.'
'David Platt is going through you, and he's played the ball to Ince who takes over.'
'Here's Senderos. He's missed the tackle.'
'Michael Fucking Ball'
We were going mad on her. She was shouting back the names to us, mispronoucning them in her Indian-Thai voice. She was sucking my balls and maybe then rimmed me for a bit.
Her name was Apple. Or so she said. So Harry started screaming 'You're the apple sauce and he's the pork loin and I'm the fucking stuffing'. He started rubbing his hands all over her pretending to rub apple sauce all over her. She had no idea what was going on.
Our stamina was amazing. It went on for another hour. She came three times, and absolutely knackered I managed to finish again. Harry finished for the second time and shouted 'John Trivolta'. So I stood up on the bed and started doing the Boogie Nights, dancing, windmilling, cock slapping her, jizz flying off my cock onto Harry and Apple.
With jizz on her chest face feet eyes and hair she got into bed next to me, and wrapped her legs around my naked body, and exhausted we slept.
What happened in the other room with Jonny and Henry was just as disgusting. Condoms were split, the bin was filled with sick, Mo was awake having spent the night watching them have sex and was in a state of shock (I think it was the first time he'd ever seen people have sex, bless the little Paki virgin), there was lube all over the walls, it smelt of piss and cock. I would like to say what has just been written is fiction. But it's not. I'm a horrible fat perv, and it was the best night of my life.
An Indian pro came up to me, she wasn't very attractive, but I didn't mind. She made me buy her a drink, and after another whiskey she was looking alright. She dry humped me for a bit, which got me going, and I was reaching into her pants and trying to force a cheeky finger up the horse before I paid for her. Harry walked over, (for the sake of this blog I'll protect his dignity and say that he'd drank more than just two Changs), and next thing we were asking her how much it would cost for a threesome. She named a price and the money was handed over to a fat woman who was presumably her pimp. It's going to be hard when I get back to Newcastle not to try and buy girls.
We ended up in a club with her, both of us taking turns to pull and grope her. The whole club was filled with sex tourists (me and Harry being two of them) and prostitutes. People were having sex in the toilets, fingering pros up against the bar, fat men were dancing with their young boys, cheesy music was blasting. I just wanted to get back. We stumbled back up Bangla Road, Harry carrying her handbag, both of us holding her hand, pretty much dragging her back.
She began things shyly, sitting down on the bed, looking at her feet, asking if she could have a drink. No, you can't have a drink. I hid the contents of the mini bar in my bag and then opened the fridge to show her that there was nothing to drink. She then started going on about how she'd only sleep with us one at a time and that she needed to shower alone first. We'd found the only fucking frigid prostitute in the world. But we were determined and weren't going to give up. She made us both get a shower, and I hurriedly washed my cock, returning to the bedroom with my piece semi erect hanging out. But she still wasn't having it.
'Harry, go to the bathroom for a bit, I'll talk her into it.'
Harry left, and I put my arm around her and told her not to worry (just writing this is making me realise how wrong, but how fucking good the night actually was). She was in her towel, legs crossed and I gently pushed her back onto the bed and kissed her. She responded and slowly moved her tongue into my mouth. I was agitated with the pace at which things were going, so I pushed two fingers up her cunt. It was wet from the shower. She pushed her head back and closed her eyes and let out a little moan. She had a small tuft of pubic hair, well kept, she was tight and warm. I took my fingers out, glistening, and pushed them into her mouth. (Fuck, I'm actually hard writing this). And so it began.
Harry came back from the bathroom, cock out, nipple ring shining and made his way over to the bed. It began with her skipoling us, but we got bored of that, so took turns at letting her blow us. We both fingered her at the same time, forcing our hands right up, making her moan and squeal, she was soaking, a patch of wet on the bed. I was rock hard, the whiskey and red bull had given me the stamina and there wasn't a chance I was finishing quickly.
'Harry', I whispered, 'can you feel like two lumps in her minge?'
'What?'
'Can you feel like two balls right up in her minge?'
'One sec,' he said and pushed his fingers higher up her. 'No, not really.'
'You sure she's not a man?'
'Yea, I'm sure.'
'Well fuck it, we've come this far, no point worrying now.'
She had a tiny body, narrow hips, skinny legs, small brown tits with big hard nipples, a small birth mark, chocolate brown on her inner thing.
So Harry was taking her from behind whilst I forced my cock into the back of her throat, pushing her head down making her choke and gasp for breath. Tears in her eyes. Harry was spanking her, and we swapped. I forced myself hard into her, long powerful thrusts, my gut slamming against her arse, sweat all over me, panting.
A knock at the door. Two prostitutes, followed by a naked Jonny. The three pros went into the bathroom and Jonny told us that he'd made his sick by fucking her throat too hard. Henry had been a bit violent with his, and so both of them needed a break and had come up to my room. Me and Jonny had a cigarette and a beer to recharge, and Harry lay back on the bed massaging his piece. It was a horrible horrible fucking scene. And it was only just beginning.
They left and it was back to action. She kept taking my condom off, so I've definitely got AIDS now. I was too drunk to know what she was doing. Did I lick her out? Even worse, did I lick her out after me and Harry had been fucking her for twenty minutes? I was pulling out Bateman moves, tensing my weak flabby arms, watching myself fuck her in the mirror, running my hand through my greasy wet hair. Harry was high fiving me, and then spanking me, and I was screaming, and then I was slapping his arse.
Then we started spanking her again, this time as hard as we could, leaving red marks on her arse and back. She seemed to be enjoying it though and we let her slap us a bit. There were condoms all over the room by this point. I wanted to work her arse for a bit, but it was dry, so I sent Harry on the lube hunt, and he came back excitedly with hair conditioner from the bathroom and lathered her arse and back in it and I slipped my thumb up her arse whilst Harry fucked her. She wouldn't let me fuck her in the arse. I even offered her more money. The stupid bitch. I think it was because of this that I spat in her face, but maybe I just spat for the fun of it.
Then I'd picked her up and was throwing her against the mirror, turned on by my own power, she was moaning and saying 'I gonna orgasm, I gonna orgasm', and her whole body went tight around me, her long painted toenails digging into the back of my legs, and then I exploded and threw her back on the bed for Harry.
The Crab. What the fuck this was, I have no idea. But Harry put her on top of him and got in a crab position and started walking on his hands still fucking her. It was superb. All those rumours flying around about him shagging like a pornstar were confirmed. He was putting on a thick American accent, telling her that she was his little whore, and making her call him 'Papa Bear'.
I was ready to go again, and we started shouting football players at her. Screaming in her face.
'David Platt!'
'Say fucking David Platt.'
'David Platt is going through you, and he's played the ball to Ince who takes over.'
'Here's Senderos. He's missed the tackle.'
'Michael Fucking Ball'
We were going mad on her. She was shouting back the names to us, mispronoucning them in her Indian-Thai voice. She was sucking my balls and maybe then rimmed me for a bit.
Her name was Apple. Or so she said. So Harry started screaming 'You're the apple sauce and he's the pork loin and I'm the fucking stuffing'. He started rubbing his hands all over her pretending to rub apple sauce all over her. She had no idea what was going on.
Our stamina was amazing. It went on for another hour. She came three times, and absolutely knackered I managed to finish again. Harry finished for the second time and shouted 'John Trivolta'. So I stood up on the bed and started doing the Boogie Nights, dancing, windmilling, cock slapping her, jizz flying off my cock onto Harry and Apple.
With jizz on her chest face feet eyes and hair she got into bed next to me, and wrapped her legs around my naked body, and exhausted we slept.
What happened in the other room with Jonny and Henry was just as disgusting. Condoms were split, the bin was filled with sick, Mo was awake having spent the night watching them have sex and was in a state of shock (I think it was the first time he'd ever seen people have sex, bless the little Paki virgin), there was lube all over the walls, it smelt of piss and cock. I would like to say what has just been written is fiction. But it's not. I'm a horrible fat perv, and it was the best night of my life.
Day 8: Phuket
Phuket
Things in the diary get pretty sordid from this point on. We get a lot of handys and do things none of us are proud of to Thai prostitutes. But that's what happens in Phuket, and I have no regrets. I got things out of my system that I'd get arrested for in England, and I think that's probably a good thing.
It is the exact opposite of Koh Tao. There are tourists everywhere. Most of them sex tourists. Middle aged men, fat, usually in a leather jacket, with a handlebar moustache, walking around, holding hands with Thai boys and young girls. It's sordid. Worse than I'd imagined. There are suit shops everywhere, and markets selling fake football tops and cheap tshirt. The beach isn't golden like Koh Tao, it's got rubbish on. It reminds me of Blackpool, except with more pros.
'You wanna suit ma friend?'
'You want good time? Happy ending, yes?
They are the two questions I've been asked about 40000 times today. No I do not want a fucking suit. And yes, I would like to ejaculate in your hand.
At first I didn't really like the look of the place. It's cheap and tacky, doesn't smell good, the restaurants aren't great, it's more expensive, the weather is shit. But the hotel made up for this. We got dropped off outside and ice cream parlour, where a group of Thai girls, some of them very attractive were selling ice creams in their white uniforms and orange caps, and at the back of the shop, a girl was asleep on the desk of the hotel reception. It's only costing us £6 a night. We got into the rooms, which were a double bed each, a big bathroom, a balcony looking out onto the sea, a plasma Samsung TV, a mini bar filled with Changs and Thai whiskey. It was the best £6 I'd ever spent.
So we were all feeling a bit better and headed out to Bangla Road. We walked up past prostitute bars, it was the middle of the day, so there weren't many girls working, just seedy looking men sitting around in dark corners sipping frozen yoghurt's or lime sodas. We kept walking and made our way to a shopping mall. It was nothing like the one in Bangkok. We wasted some money in an arcade. Harry practised his shooting with an AK to 'kill those faking heron' when he got back home. Then we went to the cinema.
The selection of food impressed the Porker:
4 different flavours of popcorn, including cheese. Nachos, hotdogs, Thai sweets, biscuits, crisps, burgers, loads of weird drinks, too much to remember. So I went wild. The cinema was the best I've been to. Big red leather chairs, (a sofa if you were a pig and brought your Thai pro on a date with you, which several people behind us were doing). We had to stand up for the national anthem which was strange. The President seems like a right wanker. Sitting watching Terminator, admiring Christian Bale's body, I realised that Jonny would be one of the fat men behind me, who at 40, has to come to Phuket, to get slowly stroked off by a young boy in the back row of a cinema. And I smiled at this thought. Knowing that I'd probably be joining him.
We then went for a facial. Fuck it was good. They went all out on the pores. Used a suction machine, their nails, tweezers, steam, about 40 different creams, cucumber, exfoliater, salt scrub. As she leaned close to my face, breathing on me, I thought about biting her neck. Ever since finishing American Psycho I've felt like I'm the fat Bateman. After the facial, I promised myself to incorporate one a week when I got back home and started my health and facial regime. Then had a footlong Subway and headed back.
We headed to Bangla Road with the sole intention of getting a blozza. So many old men. Literally the most stereotypical perverts flock to Phuket. They all wear tight leather and have small shriveled wrinkly cocks.
Henry started giving us the whole 'I'm the more mature Doctor Love now, I'm not going to shag a prostitue'. It took him about four minutes to change his mind, and he led us straight into the main area.
You walk down narrow alleys of bars, where prostitutes grab your arse, nipples and cock. They try to get you to sit down and have a drink. So we did, and watched as they shook their minges in our face. There was no talking between us. Just sitting, eyes staring at their minge.
We sat down at one bar, where Jenga and Connect 4 were set up, ordered a few beers and started the night. Me and Mo started on the J&B thinking we were Bateman. (Bateman isn't a Paki Mo, you moron). It tasted like shit, but we drank it and got pissed and lost all the games to the pros and knocked up a massive bar tab. Every time the bell rang they were bringing us shots of Tequila and Sambuka and I was getting hammered. I got over the fact that it was awful, we all did. Jonny and Henry couldn't stop smiling. It was awful watching them- they were pigging hard, arms around pros, asking them their life stories, kissing them, massaging them, telling flirty jokes. All I wanted to do was feed the horse under the bar and maybe pre-cum in my pants a bit.
Me and Jonny beat them at Jenga just once out of 17 games. So the bill was massive. There was a stunning Russian sitting at the bar, who kept looking over at us, but I was content to settle for a pro, and did.
What happened next deserves a post on its own...
Day 7: Leaving Koh Tao
Day 7
Burnt my arms despite the complete lack of sun. Need to stop taking the gamble and not putting cream on. Before we came Henry dragged us into 'tanning salons'. He goes almost too far with how much effort he puts into his personal apperance. He brought fucking straigteners with him to Thailand. So he's been going on about how we need to keep topping up the tan, and now I'm burnt.
We have no recognition of time, each day just blends into the next, and we only know its lunch time when we're hungry. We sat around eating massaman curry and pad thai and slept on the beach. It was a lazy dull sort of day. Henry went off by himself to play football with some locals on a rocky and sandy pitch, Harry went for a noncey walk up the beach listening to Jack Johnson, Jonny practised aerobics and kick boxing with the bird Herny got a handy off (the one who made him listen to the iPod) and I sat and read.
The monsoon forced us inside. It was overcast all day and we were getting ready to head over to Phuket. We bought our boat tickets, had one final meal on Koh Tao (they served me noodels that tasted and looked like human flesh). Some cockney guy said 'you aren't going out on the overnight boat now are you? Fucking hell, good luck. Take these.' He handed us 5 white pills from his back pocket. Fuck knows what they were. We took them and made our way to the boat.
The sea couldn't have been any more pissed off. A twenty hour journey on a wooden boat ran by a bunch of crazy gooks. It could well be my last diary entry. A German girl was waiting in the line for the boat, and thinking I was looking cool with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, I got talking to her. She was skinny, a little gaunt, high cheekbones, tired eyes, brown dry hair, short, swept across her forehead. The inside of the boat was filled with small matresses and pillows, and 60 people crammed in and lay next to each other. Henry made us go and get a pack of cards, which were the single most expensive purchase of the trip, because he was sure we'd be able to play 'naked card games on the boat with all the birds. Here trust me man, I'll get their kit off.' The cards remained unopened, and they all fell asleep. The pills were fucking strong.
The German girl happened to be on the matress next to me. She was travelling alone, had been for a while, said she had nothing to do back in Germany, so decided one day to sell most of her stuff and combine the money with all of her savings and just fuck off. So I sat next to her and talked for about 10 hours, and then we eventually lay down to kip. I had the horn though. I was fighting in my mind with whether to get close to her, or whether to just call it and go to sleep. So I lay there for an hour, and could tell she was still awake. I kept edging closer to her and then bottling it at the last minute and moving back. I brushed my hand past her a few times, but like most things with girls in my life, that was the extent of it. Not even a pull. Not even a dry handy. Just balls filled with frustrated jizz, that I'll release in a few days on a poor young girls back.
In the middle of the night the boat stopped. The engine packed in. The lights went out. Water was coming on board. We were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, surrounded by sharks, miles from land. And everybody just kept sleeping. I was half asleep at this point. Harry got up to inspect what was happening. He went down to the toilet and saw the whole crew of Thai men huddled around the engine, which was steaming, and they were kicking it and had their hands on their heads. He just came back to bed, and when we woke up we were in another part of Thailand and were making our way to Phuket.
A five hour bus journey was grim. The air conditioning was cold, it was pouring outside, shitty water was dripping from the ceiling onto me, I was in wet shorts and a tshirt and in desperate need of a shit. The German girl got on a scooter and rode off into the morning. I'll never see her again. She's just a vague figure in the wank bank.
We were all wishing that we were still in Koh Tao, waking up on the beach and spending a day dossing, or going to Sharky's burger bar or boxing in the sea. But instead we were on a cold bus heading towards the prostitute capital of the world.
Burnt my arms despite the complete lack of sun. Need to stop taking the gamble and not putting cream on. Before we came Henry dragged us into 'tanning salons'. He goes almost too far with how much effort he puts into his personal apperance. He brought fucking straigteners with him to Thailand. So he's been going on about how we need to keep topping up the tan, and now I'm burnt.
We have no recognition of time, each day just blends into the next, and we only know its lunch time when we're hungry. We sat around eating massaman curry and pad thai and slept on the beach. It was a lazy dull sort of day. Henry went off by himself to play football with some locals on a rocky and sandy pitch, Harry went for a noncey walk up the beach listening to Jack Johnson, Jonny practised aerobics and kick boxing with the bird Herny got a handy off (the one who made him listen to the iPod) and I sat and read.
The monsoon forced us inside. It was overcast all day and we were getting ready to head over to Phuket. We bought our boat tickets, had one final meal on Koh Tao (they served me noodels that tasted and looked like human flesh). Some cockney guy said 'you aren't going out on the overnight boat now are you? Fucking hell, good luck. Take these.' He handed us 5 white pills from his back pocket. Fuck knows what they were. We took them and made our way to the boat.
The sea couldn't have been any more pissed off. A twenty hour journey on a wooden boat ran by a bunch of crazy gooks. It could well be my last diary entry. A German girl was waiting in the line for the boat, and thinking I was looking cool with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, I got talking to her. She was skinny, a little gaunt, high cheekbones, tired eyes, brown dry hair, short, swept across her forehead. The inside of the boat was filled with small matresses and pillows, and 60 people crammed in and lay next to each other. Henry made us go and get a pack of cards, which were the single most expensive purchase of the trip, because he was sure we'd be able to play 'naked card games on the boat with all the birds. Here trust me man, I'll get their kit off.' The cards remained unopened, and they all fell asleep. The pills were fucking strong.
The German girl happened to be on the matress next to me. She was travelling alone, had been for a while, said she had nothing to do back in Germany, so decided one day to sell most of her stuff and combine the money with all of her savings and just fuck off. So I sat next to her and talked for about 10 hours, and then we eventually lay down to kip. I had the horn though. I was fighting in my mind with whether to get close to her, or whether to just call it and go to sleep. So I lay there for an hour, and could tell she was still awake. I kept edging closer to her and then bottling it at the last minute and moving back. I brushed my hand past her a few times, but like most things with girls in my life, that was the extent of it. Not even a pull. Not even a dry handy. Just balls filled with frustrated jizz, that I'll release in a few days on a poor young girls back.
In the middle of the night the boat stopped. The engine packed in. The lights went out. Water was coming on board. We were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, surrounded by sharks, miles from land. And everybody just kept sleeping. I was half asleep at this point. Harry got up to inspect what was happening. He went down to the toilet and saw the whole crew of Thai men huddled around the engine, which was steaming, and they were kicking it and had their hands on their heads. He just came back to bed, and when we woke up we were in another part of Thailand and were making our way to Phuket.
A five hour bus journey was grim. The air conditioning was cold, it was pouring outside, shitty water was dripping from the ceiling onto me, I was in wet shorts and a tshirt and in desperate need of a shit. The German girl got on a scooter and rode off into the morning. I'll never see her again. She's just a vague figure in the wank bank.
We were all wishing that we were still in Koh Tao, waking up on the beach and spending a day dossing, or going to Sharky's burger bar or boxing in the sea. But instead we were on a cold bus heading towards the prostitute capital of the world.
Day 5: Keeps' Birthday & Full Moon Party
Day 5: Keeps' Birthday
A year ago Keeps' birthday began the week of doss, where I got ski-poled with Harry by a young girl, who begged for us to let her stop, Keeps' had 'fucking loads of gear' and sacked off his A Levels, and Henry fucked several people in my parents bed, leaving a used condom deliberately under their sheets for me to explain when they returned, I'm not sure what Mo was doing, maybe he was there, I forget, he's a forgetable person, maybe he was making bombs, or pondering over his virginity, I just don't know. Today we were in Koh Tao, a little hung over, my thigh smelling of the Scottish man's knob, and the blonde bird nowhere to be seen.
We went snorkling. Perhaps a tame birthday celebration. But we did meet Martin Jol. Some big Dutch perv got on our boat, and told us about how he was here to see the 'great techno music yea guys' at the Full Moon Party. He was here to rim small Asian men, but we let him sit with us.
About 40,000 fish attacked me at one point when Harry threw water melon in the water next to me. We later found out that water melon kills fish.
Got a cracking upskirt underwater. Was following this bird for a while, really good looking, about 21, tanned, Australian, birth mark on the back of her calf, mole just above her bikini line. She was swimming in front of me, probably trying to get away, and her bikini moved to the side and I got a small glimpse (enough to cherish) of her glistening pink lips.
A meal out with a few Changs. The real birthday celebration will be tomorrow. We promised everybody back in Newcastle that Keeps' wouldn't survive the trip, so hopefully tomorrow with enough mushrooms we'll finish him off.
We're all burnt and mosquitoes have eaten me to fucking pieces. I got a bit scared thinking it was an STI, because the bites were just blotchy red patches leading right up my leg, but a woman told me I'd be fine.
Full Moon Party
Henry was close to pulling out. The first reason was because he's been all fucking depressed about his bird. We can't tell him that she's a fat extremely average bamp, because we care about him, and don't want to send him on another tuc frenzy. (The tuc frenzy involved Henry (Captain Calories) eating a pot of cottage cheese and 2 packets of tuc crackers, crying and dribbling down his chin, thanking us for being there for him- all in an attempt to get over her, which failed). The other reason he nearly dropped out is because in the last 24 hours he's been to the toilet more times than me, which is impressive, and now he's just shitting out murky water with little bits of noodle in. He looks hanging and weak, but we told him that there would be loads of dripping wet pussys, sweaty, and ready for him to delve into at the Full Moon Party, and this was enough to convince him. So after another five shits before breakfast, he was on the boat with us.
We met up with a few of Mo's friend from uni, after a fucking trek up a mountain in the heat. Mo had described them as really fun and good patter. The reality was that they were posh cunts from Cambridge. Mo has claimed to have fucked one of them. Claimed being the key word. It's like when you were younger and you went on holiday to Tenerife with your parents and you got back and told all your mates you got a blowie in the pool of a bird called Pauline and then she let you blow your load in between her legs. It's always fucking Pauline, and it's always Tenerife, and it's never true.
On the plus side, one of his mates was stunning. Really tanned, thin, 'total hard body', greased up in tanning oil and probably desperate for anything but a piece of the Porker.
We drank a bit and then went for dinner at this Jewish retauraunt. Loads of Jews had written their names and a little message on the walls in crayon. It took a lot of restraint not to put a massive red swastika on the wall.
After dinner, we went up to mushroom mountain. Mo, Harry and Jonny had mushroom shakes. Henry didn't fancy it because it would go through him in minutes, and I bailed because the last time I took drugs in Newcastle I thought my head was a balloon and was floating off and then thought I was having a stroke. Nothing happened at first. We met up with Oscar and Imran, and sat and drank buckets of whiskey on the beach.
Then it hit Jonny. Thai men were coming up to us with snakes and gekkos. Jonny is scared of snakes when he's sober, so on mushrooms he had a panic attack. He thought everybody was a snake, every bang from the fireworks was a giant fucking snake behind him. It was funny to watch. He was screaming and sweating and trying to hide under the table.
So many fit birds. Thousands. Not enough hangers for me, I'll have to drastically up my game if I even want to stand a chance of getting a handy (one I don't have to pay for) tonight. I was lathered in a thick sweat and my tshirt was sticking to my bloated gut- I had one of the worst beach bodies there.
Gradually we got more pissed as the night went on. Me and Oscar pulled two Australian birds. I took the very short straw and pulled the fat one and she forced her tongue down my throat and bit my lips. Harry drifted off with some Sweedish bird and dipped his cock in her before she ran off. And Mo found some bird who cock teased him for the night, so the thirty condoms he bought in Boots before he came, still remain unopened in his bag. (By the way that I'm writing this diary, I'm acting like I fuck a lot of birds. Truthfully my sexual records is terrible. By the time this trip is up, over 40% of my fucks are Thai, and 6 of my sexual experience have involved other men. But at least I'm not a virgin.)
We saw one person fall off a very tall scaffolding onto the ground, and didn't see him get up. Two big Russian pricks, who were nails, started a fight with us, but we bailed, and watch them throw a full can of beer at a group of girls and then start on the lads they were with. Me and Jonny watched Thai men steal handbags from the floor and did nothing about it. Tried desperately hard to find a girl, but failed, so just danced aggressively until 6am and then hit a wall.
It's hard to remember all that happened that night. What was most memorable was the taxi ride back to the boat. One of Henry's mates (who call him Geordie) from uni met up with us. We were all cramped up in the back of a van with a few American birds. He went to fucking town on them. Some of the best rips I've heard:
'Where you from?'
'We're from America.'
'I don't give a fuck where you're from, you're dirty little whores aren't you?'
'Sorry?'
'You're fucking American sluts and if you back answer me again I'll rip your chocloate starfish up with my teeth, understand me.'
'Jees, your friends a total asshole.'
'What was that you cock hungry cunts, you cum guzzling whores, how many wrinkls do you have on your tuna fish? Twelve? You little sluts.'
It went on like that for a while. It was hard not to laugh. The taxi ride back to the boat was awkward and silent.
Never has sleep been more appreciated. We slept for a day, rave paint saying 'Service me shitter' up our arms and giant swastikas still all over us, and that ended Keeps' birthday party.
Day 4: Naked Scottish Man
Day 4
'I've found some hidden treasure, loads of gold coins and an amulet. I don't want to tell anybody, I've hidden it under Chaba bar'.
This is what I wrote on waking up last night. Not sure how to interpret it.
Luckily haven't seen the Thai bird today, really don't want to see her tonight.Feel a bit harsh telling her to just fuck off, because Thai people are so nice.
We lazed about on the beach, lacing a footy about and dossing in the warm sea, pissing on each other. Me and Henry had a boxing fight. I lost, hands down, he got a cracking shot to my ribs which sent me under the water, where he then threw a sly knee to my face and a right across the back of my head. I was beaten. But Manny Porkiao doesn't quit that easily.
Got the shits, so I sat quite close to the apartment, reading 'Kitchen Confidential'. I've decided I want to become both a top chef and a heroin addict. Maybe that will win Lara (Carly) back. Doubtful.
Had another Thai massage. This time it was without the happy ending. Felt so calm. Watching the sea rolling in, covered in oil, a semi pressed against my inner thigh, a lovely smelling smiling Thai woman massaging my back and hands. Ah, fuck it was perfect. Harry's nipples were getting tugged, and she was massaging his knuckles which were still broken when he had to kneecap somebody with his fists back in Newcastle.
I love this country. Everything I've seen in Koh Tao is beautiful. The monsoon headed back over. Waiting for it to come reminds me of the bit in Lord of the Rings where the 'FOOL OF A TOOK' knocks the skeleton down the well and they hear the sound of the orcs start to march towards them.
The Thai bird followed me again, so I shot the bull to her and said I had a girlfriend and was really sorry. It didn't go down too well, and I'm probably going to get stabbed by her brother. I just can't help hurting girls like that. The smooth Porker. Colonel. I'd say the real Doctor Love, but we gave that title to Mo after he pulled Henry's bird. The Arab Doctor Love is perhaps more apt. Or (as we later found out) The Virgin Doctor. Chin up Mo, your secret isn't safe with me.
We met two birds from Leeds, sitting drinking buckets of Thai whiskey in Lotus Bar. Harry absoloutely pigged one. I've never seen anything like it. She was a big fat 'munter', and he was being smooth Harry, putting his hand on her rolls of fat, and trying to get over Sharmi, but failing. I told the blonde, who was good looking, that she looked like the girl from The Ting Tings- she didn't take it well.
Then we were sitting on chairs outside of ours, eating pancakes that an old Thai woman had cooked up for us, covered in sugar and apple and banana drinking more beers, and the Dutch wanker was telling us to keep quiet, so we laughed and all got naked and ran into the sea, and it was at this point that we realised that a Scottish man had joined our party and was naked as well, and next thing I knew he was jumping on me putting his small cold wet cock all over me, but I didn't mind. I chased the blonde for a bit, and I think she got genuinely scared at one point when I threw her (violently?) under water. I'd have loved to fuck her.
Day 3: Scooter Accident
Day 3
Fucking hanging when I woke up. Sand all over the bed, taste of Thai whiskey and pancakes in my mouth and a fat Thai naked next to me. Mo had slept on the beach because Henry had taken his bed with the bird, and Jonny had spent the morning trying to catch a fish in a cup, and whilst we were all sleeping he'd decided to get a wedge haircut (a marginal improvement on the bowl he was sporting, but still a poor chop). I took Ball into the shower, covered her in shampoo for some reason and started kissing her and ended up with shampoo in my mouth and eyes. I got around this problem and threw a couple of moves and surprised myself with my own strength when I picked her up and pressed her against the tiled wall for the money shot. Off she went, making me promise that I'd see her tonight.
Breakfast. A banana milkshake and a full English- my plan to shed weight this trip is unlikely to happen, although I'm blaming my bloated gut on the IBS stored up.
Harry looks like a cockney gangster (/his dad) in his gold rimmed glasses and Jonny looks like a right cunt with his wedge cut and already burnt nose.
The Scooter Accident (as described by Harry)
Jonny and Harry went to a bike shop and handed over their passports and a deposit for the 2 scooters. Jonny who has never driven in his life, and probably never will, jumped on the scooter in a packed street, turned the handle to accelerate and sped off, his feet spread out, screaming, his wedge cut blowing in the wind, skidding past a mother and her young child ('Here man watch ooot' he screamed nearly hitting the kid), round a corner at full pace, and nearly into a shop window before he bailed off the scooter burning his foot and leg and damaging the scooter- all in view of the woman who had just lent it to him. So there goes his deposit.
Sitting on the beach, watching him in pain turned me on. I just wanted to put sand and sea water on it. I'm glad I followed my instinct and didn't get on a bike with him.
Jonny put a spray-on plaster, and his reaction was brilliant. Screaming at the top of his voice as he patched up the open wound across his leg. Some guy offered him valium for the pain, which he considered before politely declining.
So we left Jonny on the bed (he'd decided to try and keep a diary- fuck knows what that will turn out given he can't really read or write), and we drove across the island. I was a bit scared on the back of Harry's scooter, but given he'd probably get his dad to see me killed ('feed me to the fakin fish') if I complianed, I just kept my mouth shut.
There were little shops sparesely spread across the island with old Thai women gathered in the entrances. The roads are lined with palm trees and skitzy dogs run after your scooter. The air was warm and fresh and made you feel alive.
Easy Bar. Played nothing but reggae. We sat there, slouched back on cushions and sipped milkshakes and Changs and had nothing to worry or think about.
As we were sitting there, Bob Marley lightly playing in the background, on the horizon a black mass spread across the sky. It started moving towards us, and the whole sky turned dark blue then purple and black, and next thing the waves started builing up, and came right up to where we were sitting and Thai men were running around putting barriers up and covering up their shops. Coconuts started falling from the trees and the black cloud picked up speed, and the waves grew, a Thai man got swept ashore on his boat. We sat under a bamboo shade listening to reggae, watching the monsoon come in. It's the best thing I've seen so far this holiday. It lasted for about twenty minutes, huge raindrops hitting us and the wind blowing sand and water everyhwere, then there was a loud crack and the cloud lifted to blue sky and on the reggae went.
We picked up Jonny who'd managed two sentences in the diary and hyked up to High Bar. It really is fucking high. I was on the back of Harry's scooter and about half way up the hill (which was more like a mountain) we started to swerve and slow down and I could feel myself slipping off and he was heading to a wall and probably the breaking of my left leg, so I hopped off the back and was chased up the hill by foaming dogs.
The bar looked across the entire bay. The sun was setting deep red, and we had some weed and got two morons to roll us a joint. They were the typical wankers from London who thought if you took Ket somebody should suck your dick. It was people like them why I'd hated uni so much in first year, so I just closed my eyes mid convo and kipped.
A little stoned we went back to Lotus Bar, where Ball (the Thai bird) was lingering with a group of friends. She wasn't too bad, but my cock was sore from sandy handys and toothy blowies, and I get the worst post ejaculatory guilt and never want to see girls I've fucked again, so she got pied. She followed me around, in her fucking straw hat. There's a fair chance I'll marry her when I'm here, and we'll die of AIDS together.
We passed a woman who had face planted the floor in a scooter accident and lost most her cheek ('Not the fucking face you bitch'). This only made me more nervous of sitting on the back of Harry's scooter. It was quite an early night, and we lay on our beds, playing Pro Evo on the PSP and listening to the rain outsider and the big Dutch bastard next door get a footjob or maybe a thigh job off his Thai bride, and slept.
Fucking hanging when I woke up. Sand all over the bed, taste of Thai whiskey and pancakes in my mouth and a fat Thai naked next to me. Mo had slept on the beach because Henry had taken his bed with the bird, and Jonny had spent the morning trying to catch a fish in a cup, and whilst we were all sleeping he'd decided to get a wedge haircut (a marginal improvement on the bowl he was sporting, but still a poor chop). I took Ball into the shower, covered her in shampoo for some reason and started kissing her and ended up with shampoo in my mouth and eyes. I got around this problem and threw a couple of moves and surprised myself with my own strength when I picked her up and pressed her against the tiled wall for the money shot. Off she went, making me promise that I'd see her tonight.
Breakfast. A banana milkshake and a full English- my plan to shed weight this trip is unlikely to happen, although I'm blaming my bloated gut on the IBS stored up.
Harry looks like a cockney gangster (/his dad) in his gold rimmed glasses and Jonny looks like a right cunt with his wedge cut and already burnt nose.
The Scooter Accident (as described by Harry)
Jonny and Harry went to a bike shop and handed over their passports and a deposit for the 2 scooters. Jonny who has never driven in his life, and probably never will, jumped on the scooter in a packed street, turned the handle to accelerate and sped off, his feet spread out, screaming, his wedge cut blowing in the wind, skidding past a mother and her young child ('Here man watch ooot' he screamed nearly hitting the kid), round a corner at full pace, and nearly into a shop window before he bailed off the scooter burning his foot and leg and damaging the scooter- all in view of the woman who had just lent it to him. So there goes his deposit.
Sitting on the beach, watching him in pain turned me on. I just wanted to put sand and sea water on it. I'm glad I followed my instinct and didn't get on a bike with him.
Jonny put a spray-on plaster, and his reaction was brilliant. Screaming at the top of his voice as he patched up the open wound across his leg. Some guy offered him valium for the pain, which he considered before politely declining.
So we left Jonny on the bed (he'd decided to try and keep a diary- fuck knows what that will turn out given he can't really read or write), and we drove across the island. I was a bit scared on the back of Harry's scooter, but given he'd probably get his dad to see me killed ('feed me to the fakin fish') if I complianed, I just kept my mouth shut.
There were little shops sparesely spread across the island with old Thai women gathered in the entrances. The roads are lined with palm trees and skitzy dogs run after your scooter. The air was warm and fresh and made you feel alive.
Easy Bar. Played nothing but reggae. We sat there, slouched back on cushions and sipped milkshakes and Changs and had nothing to worry or think about.
As we were sitting there, Bob Marley lightly playing in the background, on the horizon a black mass spread across the sky. It started moving towards us, and the whole sky turned dark blue then purple and black, and next thing the waves started builing up, and came right up to where we were sitting and Thai men were running around putting barriers up and covering up their shops. Coconuts started falling from the trees and the black cloud picked up speed, and the waves grew, a Thai man got swept ashore on his boat. We sat under a bamboo shade listening to reggae, watching the monsoon come in. It's the best thing I've seen so far this holiday. It lasted for about twenty minutes, huge raindrops hitting us and the wind blowing sand and water everyhwere, then there was a loud crack and the cloud lifted to blue sky and on the reggae went.
We picked up Jonny who'd managed two sentences in the diary and hyked up to High Bar. It really is fucking high. I was on the back of Harry's scooter and about half way up the hill (which was more like a mountain) we started to swerve and slow down and I could feel myself slipping off and he was heading to a wall and probably the breaking of my left leg, so I hopped off the back and was chased up the hill by foaming dogs.
The bar looked across the entire bay. The sun was setting deep red, and we had some weed and got two morons to roll us a joint. They were the typical wankers from London who thought if you took Ket somebody should suck your dick. It was people like them why I'd hated uni so much in first year, so I just closed my eyes mid convo and kipped.
A little stoned we went back to Lotus Bar, where Ball (the Thai bird) was lingering with a group of friends. She wasn't too bad, but my cock was sore from sandy handys and toothy blowies, and I get the worst post ejaculatory guilt and never want to see girls I've fucked again, so she got pied. She followed me around, in her fucking straw hat. There's a fair chance I'll marry her when I'm here, and we'll die of AIDS together.
We passed a woman who had face planted the floor in a scooter accident and lost most her cheek ('Not the fucking face you bitch'). This only made me more nervous of sitting on the back of Harry's scooter. It was quite an early night, and we lay on our beds, playing Pro Evo on the PSP and listening to the rain outsider and the big Dutch bastard next door get a footjob or maybe a thigh job off his Thai bride, and slept.
Day 2: Koh Tao
Day 2
The room was filled with condoms and stank of cock when I walked in. Jonny and Henry were both naked on the bed, their girls gone. Henry's condom split, one can only hope that means AIDS.
We got a tuc-tuc through the city, five of us crammed into the back. Jonny on the floor, his arse being burnt by the engine that was just below him. Jonny was on fire with his stupidity- 'What are those things called you send home? Postcodes?'
We made our way to a shopping mall, which stood out in the landscape next to all the poverty. It was a modern thing with designer (trendy) shops, and pigs were walking around with their young Thai birds hanging off their arms, looking at lingerie for the night's action. Broose bought about 1000 deep fried bananas, which Jonny later offered to a black bird.
Waited around in the dark and humid 'guff toxic' (Jonny) night for two hours. Restless and tired, spots on our faces from all the grease, not looking forward to an overnight bus ride with our bowels already loose. So many travellers with long dusty hair and pathetic whining voices packed onto the bus- one bastard wouldn't leave his bird alone and kept sucking her lips and whispering in her ear making Mo get angry and start to punch the chair and shout 'fuck off' in his far too aggressive voice.
Can't wait to get to the islands. Just 15 hours on this bus, stuck in Bangkok rush hour traffic that has no order but works in its own way. No paper in the toilet, just a bucket of water filled with piss and wet shit. Girls have to do the walk of shame up to the back of the bus where we are all sitting, and squeeze one out in discomfort whilst we listen or push our feet against the door to stop them getting out.
(I forgot to mention that yesterday in the 'Happy Ending Palace' (the massage parlour) I got fingered whilst getting a handy. Now this was a lovely but unusual experience. There was a fresh layer of IBS on my arse which acted as an unpleasant lube, and she just stuck one finger up there, knuckle deep. Whilst I was getting fingered, Henry got a fucking 'titty wank'.)
Koh Tao
The longest bus journey followed by a 3 hour boat ride filled with cockroaches and leaking water. We piled onto the top deck and watch the bright red morning sun rise, salty water sticking to our faces. The views were a complete contrast to Bangkok- an expanse of green, with trees and men on little motor boats waving at us.
Koh Tao is paradise. The beaches are clean and white, the water clear, boiling sun, attractive topless girls, (cunts with perfect bodies), and bars serving cold milkshakes and Singha beers.
We got a room on the beach and hit a wall, waking up a few hours later in the exact positions we'd fallen asleep in, face planting the bed.
A lazy meal stretched out on cushions watching the sun set. The waves came right up to where we were eating. We all had large Changs in our hands, cold and refreshing, and racks of beef and fresh prawns and fish with jacket potatoes and salad, which barely cost us anything. If we were hungry we ordered more. Money goes so much further here. So we all got a bit drunk, slowly enjoying the night, and then the call to get pissed was thrown in the air, so we did.
Getting pissed in Thailand isn't like getting pissed in Newcastle. You don't have to force treble vodkas down your neck which taste like piss, you just sit back and drink as many beers as you want, and then have sweet Thai whiskey in buckets with red bull (or the Thai equivalent which has amphetamines in).
The bar was on the beach. Lotus Bar. Girls in bikinis danced in the sea, people drank buckets of whiskey and watched fire dancers or sat on blankets and talked or jumped over the burning skipping rope, which always hits the back of your legs. Me and Mo decided we had to have cigarettes, so bought a pack and chained 10 and drank some more whiskey before either of us had the hangers to talk to girls. (Our bodies were by far the worst in the bar, people looked like Prince (not the singer) and had chiseled six packs, compared to my fat hips and tits). But fuck them, I was determined to get a bird.
Eventually pulled a bird from Nottingham, who wouldn't shut up about travelling- 'Yah you've got to go there, it's amazing, like totally life changing, I found things there'. She went on like that for a while,and all I could think of was what her pussy would taste like, or what her ear would taste like if I bit into it. Convinced her to give me a handy after dragging her to some dark corner of the beach and hiding behind a palm tree. It hurt. Dry handys are never good, especially when they have grains of sand all over their hand and won't shut the fuck up about travelling whilst they're doing it.
Henry pigged for a while and most people were pulling Broose's nipple rings, which unsurprisingly still look shocking. We met Federer and told him that Mo was called Paki, which he didn't understand given he was Swiss. Mo hit me for this.
Jonny and Federer made a girl cry by asking her if she was a man, and things began to turn into a haze and we all split up each looking to pig. I ended up finding a Thai bird and heading vaguely back to the apartment, but finding out that I was walking the wrong way up the beach, so we stopped and I forced her into giving me a blowie. By that I mean I took out my cock and beat myself off in front of her and tried to mime what I wanted her to do. So she did and it was toothy and painful and I didn't finish.
Eventually found the apartment and she assured me that she wasn't a ladyboy and I worked on her minge for a bit, with my dry drunk tongue. Henry came in mid way with a bird of his own, and me and Keeps watched him lick her out and get a handy (she made him listen to her iPod whilst doing it, which was a bit fucking weird). I shagged my bird, who was called Ball and had a big tattoo of a flower spread across her rather fat gut. I'd give her a generous 6/10. Nobody will agree with that rating. Henry raised his hand in the air for his money shot, and I think Jonny was beating off whilst watching and I fell asleep with a Thai bird wrapped around my legs.
(Woke up briefly in the night and dipped the used condom, inside-out, into Keeps' mouth, and went back to bed.)
The room was filled with condoms and stank of cock when I walked in. Jonny and Henry were both naked on the bed, their girls gone. Henry's condom split, one can only hope that means AIDS.
We got a tuc-tuc through the city, five of us crammed into the back. Jonny on the floor, his arse being burnt by the engine that was just below him. Jonny was on fire with his stupidity- 'What are those things called you send home? Postcodes?'
We made our way to a shopping mall, which stood out in the landscape next to all the poverty. It was a modern thing with designer (trendy) shops, and pigs were walking around with their young Thai birds hanging off their arms, looking at lingerie for the night's action. Broose bought about 1000 deep fried bananas, which Jonny later offered to a black bird.
Waited around in the dark and humid 'guff toxic' (Jonny) night for two hours. Restless and tired, spots on our faces from all the grease, not looking forward to an overnight bus ride with our bowels already loose. So many travellers with long dusty hair and pathetic whining voices packed onto the bus- one bastard wouldn't leave his bird alone and kept sucking her lips and whispering in her ear making Mo get angry and start to punch the chair and shout 'fuck off' in his far too aggressive voice.
Can't wait to get to the islands. Just 15 hours on this bus, stuck in Bangkok rush hour traffic that has no order but works in its own way. No paper in the toilet, just a bucket of water filled with piss and wet shit. Girls have to do the walk of shame up to the back of the bus where we are all sitting, and squeeze one out in discomfort whilst we listen or push our feet against the door to stop them getting out.
(I forgot to mention that yesterday in the 'Happy Ending Palace' (the massage parlour) I got fingered whilst getting a handy. Now this was a lovely but unusual experience. There was a fresh layer of IBS on my arse which acted as an unpleasant lube, and she just stuck one finger up there, knuckle deep. Whilst I was getting fingered, Henry got a fucking 'titty wank'.)
Koh Tao
The longest bus journey followed by a 3 hour boat ride filled with cockroaches and leaking water. We piled onto the top deck and watch the bright red morning sun rise, salty water sticking to our faces. The views were a complete contrast to Bangkok- an expanse of green, with trees and men on little motor boats waving at us.
Koh Tao is paradise. The beaches are clean and white, the water clear, boiling sun, attractive topless girls, (cunts with perfect bodies), and bars serving cold milkshakes and Singha beers.
We got a room on the beach and hit a wall, waking up a few hours later in the exact positions we'd fallen asleep in, face planting the bed.
A lazy meal stretched out on cushions watching the sun set. The waves came right up to where we were eating. We all had large Changs in our hands, cold and refreshing, and racks of beef and fresh prawns and fish with jacket potatoes and salad, which barely cost us anything. If we were hungry we ordered more. Money goes so much further here. So we all got a bit drunk, slowly enjoying the night, and then the call to get pissed was thrown in the air, so we did.
Getting pissed in Thailand isn't like getting pissed in Newcastle. You don't have to force treble vodkas down your neck which taste like piss, you just sit back and drink as many beers as you want, and then have sweet Thai whiskey in buckets with red bull (or the Thai equivalent which has amphetamines in).
The bar was on the beach. Lotus Bar. Girls in bikinis danced in the sea, people drank buckets of whiskey and watched fire dancers or sat on blankets and talked or jumped over the burning skipping rope, which always hits the back of your legs. Me and Mo decided we had to have cigarettes, so bought a pack and chained 10 and drank some more whiskey before either of us had the hangers to talk to girls. (Our bodies were by far the worst in the bar, people looked like Prince (not the singer) and had chiseled six packs, compared to my fat hips and tits). But fuck them, I was determined to get a bird.
Eventually pulled a bird from Nottingham, who wouldn't shut up about travelling- 'Yah you've got to go there, it's amazing, like totally life changing, I found things there'. She went on like that for a while,and all I could think of was what her pussy would taste like, or what her ear would taste like if I bit into it. Convinced her to give me a handy after dragging her to some dark corner of the beach and hiding behind a palm tree. It hurt. Dry handys are never good, especially when they have grains of sand all over their hand and won't shut the fuck up about travelling whilst they're doing it.
Henry pigged for a while and most people were pulling Broose's nipple rings, which unsurprisingly still look shocking. We met Federer and told him that Mo was called Paki, which he didn't understand given he was Swiss. Mo hit me for this.
Jonny and Federer made a girl cry by asking her if she was a man, and things began to turn into a haze and we all split up each looking to pig. I ended up finding a Thai bird and heading vaguely back to the apartment, but finding out that I was walking the wrong way up the beach, so we stopped and I forced her into giving me a blowie. By that I mean I took out my cock and beat myself off in front of her and tried to mime what I wanted her to do. So she did and it was toothy and painful and I didn't finish.
Eventually found the apartment and she assured me that she wasn't a ladyboy and I worked on her minge for a bit, with my dry drunk tongue. Henry came in mid way with a bird of his own, and me and Keeps watched him lick her out and get a handy (she made him listen to her iPod whilst doing it, which was a bit fucking weird). I shagged my bird, who was called Ball and had a big tattoo of a flower spread across her rather fat gut. I'd give her a generous 6/10. Nobody will agree with that rating. Henry raised his hand in the air for his money shot, and I think Jonny was beating off whilst watching and I fell asleep with a Thai bird wrapped around my legs.
(Woke up briefly in the night and dipped the used condom, inside-out, into Keeps' mouth, and went back to bed.)
Day 1: Arriving
Thai Diary: Day 1
Charlie Porker
Jonny Keeps
Henry Moody
Harry Broose
Mo Tehran
With enough baht for the first night (pro) in our pockets, we headed to the airport, tired and excited, desperate to arrive in the sordid playground that so many people had described it as.
Sitting on the plane, next to Jonny, with a can of Heineken surrounded by Thai birds, I couldn't help but laugh at the damage I'd be doing to them soon with my teeth and fists.
We've decided that the first sordid game that we'll play is getting four pros, not knowing which one of them is a ladyboy and four of us will get blowies off them. Fuck, I'd be surprised if one of us didn't come back with AIDS.
Henry got the short straw and is sitting somewhere at the front of the plane alone, for 11 hours, which probably won't make him feel any better about the fact that only 3 days ago Mo had his tongue in his girlfriend's mouth, and his hands all over her fat arse. So he's got 11 hours to sit and think about that. There are no fucking TVs on the plane, just rice pickers.
'Tell me a fit bird you've seen who doesn't have a Kinder Bueno in her hand.' The first of many trademark stupid comments from Keeps, who is looking particularly stupid today, and especially like a merecat.
It still hasn't sunk in that we're going to Thailand, I feel like we'll arrive at Malaga airport for another lads holiday. None of us, except Henry, know what to expect.
There's a fit Spaniard sitting next to me. She has her shoes off, and in a weird way, I'm getting turned on by how she's sitting cross legged and cupping her feet in her hands. Can I quickly go into the toilet and beat off? No. I'll wait for a handy in a massage parlour. Me and Jonny can't stop staring at her, and I'm wondering how many Heineken's and mini bottles of red I'll have to drink before I strap a pair on and talk to her. (There is no amount, I've accepted that I can't talk to girls, let alone attractive Spaniards, so I'll just keep staring at her, and put her in the wank bank). Jonny won't shut up about how he'll put 'The Game' into use. He'll do 'the peacock' (I think that's when you wear bright clothing to draw attention to yourself).
Side thong. Caught a glimpse of her polka dot knickers clinging to her golden brown tight arse. Me and Jonny are sporting erections by this point, Broose is sketching some guns on a napkin and Henry is alone. Fuck Mo, he's the token on this trip.
Bangkok
Fucking mental. The air is hot and greasy, there's skyscrapers next to old wooden shacks. We got a tuc-tuc across the city. I've never seen somebody take as many gambles as our mad driver, in his fake Liverpool shirt, screaming and whooping every time he nearly killed us, driving up the wrong side of the road, up pavements, in front of buses. Our faces were covered in a thick layer of black grease by the time we got off. So many people were dossing in the streets, with cigarettes lazily hanging out of their mouths, a cold bottle of beer or bright orange Fanta next to them, and a dog with flies around its face lying, panting underneath their chairs. Old men sit on crates and play chess with bottle caps, cars go by endlessly sending up polluted fumes that hang in the suffocating air. There's a buzz everywhere, it's not the traffic or the people, it's something else, always there. The sun beats down and we sip ice cold Pepsi which only cost us 10 baht and tuck into an uncooked chicken skewer covered in flies but is the best thing we've ever tasted. The hotel gets sorted and we're back in the tuc-tuc racing across the streets to more whoops and yells and beeps, past shops and houses and kids running barefoot in the dirt without a care in the world.
Henry read me an extract from a porn book he always seems to keep on him, and we stand their naked, erect, sharing a moment. Anything could happen on this trip.
First Night in Bangkok
Henry couldn't have given us a better introduction to this country, it included everything I'd heard about Thailand. We stopped for lunch in a place where all the locals seemed to go. Stalls were set up with steaming food. Fish with spices and rice, chicken with peanuts and vegetables, fruits I'd never seen before, huge chunks of red beef with sticky yellow sauce and noodles sticking to it, creamy curries with lamb and spinach and big red chilli's, kebabs with potato and transparent noodles that look like skin covered in brown grease with garlic and coconut. The smell was incredible and I followed my nose to a stall and paid 20 baht for a filled plate of food and a cold Singha beer which tasted sweet and washed down the spice.
After lunch the same tuc-tuc driver took us to a massage parlour he knew. The reason he hung around is because all tuc-tuc drivers take you to places that they are linked to in some way. So this massage parlour probably paid for his petrol (we later absolutely fucked him by giving him 20 baht for a day's work, which is literally nothing, but fuck him, he had a dirty rat tash and smelt of piss). We got there and all put on matching pink outfits, which were essentially pajamas which were far too short for us. My IBS kicked in, and I had to rush a shit before the massage, problem is there was no paper, you have to wash your arse with the hose and I don't like the feel of it, so I pulled my pants up and headed into the curtained booth. We were all lying in a row, so that we could see each other's faces. I was on the end next to Broose, who was getting a massage off a massive muscly woman who could easily of had a cock. About thirty minutes into the massage, she looked down at me, smiled and mimed giving me a handy. I nodded and negotiated a price (I later found that I got ripped off, and everybody else had paid about half as much, but it was good). She used some scented oil and I blew my load after about a minute into her hand and onto the pink pajamas which probably wouldn't get washed.
Next we were in a suit shop convincing Mo to buy some shirts and possibly a lovely suit. So he splashed out on what he was conned into believing was 'Egyptian Cotton, 100% genuine, good good stuff my friend'. The shirts were terrible, they looked like the pink pajamas and had cost him a lot. So we gave him a bit of stick and headed towards some bars.
Jonny ate cockroaches and locusts, and there were loads of tourists, like us, walking through the streets amazed at the colour and noise. We got pushed into a tuc-tuc and were off to the pussy shows. Fucking hell it was dirty. It made me feel sick. Young girls walked around in short skirts on stage, so many of them were attractive, and pervy old men looked on negotiating prices with the pimps.
Then it was the pussy show. Mo got a handy whilst watching off a man, who then ordered about thirty drinks, so as well as spending about £100 on shit shirts, he now had a massive bar bill. Broose was batting ping pongs back at them- it's incredible how far they can fire the balls and darts from their pussy's, I'm talking 15 metres. I caught a ball which was wet with pussy juice, although not as strong scented as I'd have liked. Then they were pulling 30 foot of wire with razor blades from their pussy's and then firing little fireworks.
Henry and Jonny couldn't help themselves and got two pros. Both were fairly attractive, young with small tits and great legs and wide smiles. I bottled it and was angry with myself. They didn't seem like prostitutes, and I wasn't drunk enough and got all moral about it. So off to bed we went, dizzy and stinking of smoke and petrol and cheap Thai whiskey.
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