Woke up, comfortable and well slept. First thing I did was empty my bowels. We started to pack our cases, and were all a bit quiet, sad that we were leaving.
Henry took us to an electronics mall. He'd been going on about it for ages. So we made our way there, and it wasn't impressive. It was like going to PC World, except not buying anything, and instead window shopping. Jonny was amazed though, not sure what about. We did have an interesting side trip though. Like everywhere in Thailand, people were selling porn.
'You want some porn my friend, good porn, good quality, lesbian, hardcore my friend, chicken?'
Yes, we would like to see your chicken porn. It didn't disappoint. We were led into the back of a shop into a tiny stock room filled with porn DVDs. He gave us the bestiality box. It had everything from people fucking goats and horses, to women getting eels shoved up their minges. There is nothing you can't get in Thailand.
'You want child porn?'
So we took a look at the child porn. I'll clear that up, we looked at the selection of DVDs, didn't watch them. 10 year old boys were getting raped on the back, little girls were getting teamed on, small boys were wanking themselves off. It was disgusting. Was it disgusting? It was. I'll say it was. We bought some normal DVDs. I bought some German granny porn (which 3 weeks later, when my internet was broken at home, I had to turn to, and it was fucking awful).
My shits were too bad, so me and Harry went back to the hotel, and the others went to see some temples. Harry beat me at squash 8 times. I think I won one point over the course of the day. The others came back, and we said bye to Imran and Oscar, and piled into a taxi, and left.
The trip was the best I've ever had. So, I apologise if this diary has annoyed any of the people who are in it. I believe the last thing said on the trip was 'what happened here definitely shouldn't get out'. Well some of it was too good to keep a secret. So sorry to those who have girlfriends (Harry and Jonny), or those (Henry) who rang me the minute I said I was putting it up to say 'Here what the fuck you doing, if girls read it, that's me done. You've got to think about reputation man.' And to Mo for releasing his secret about his virginity. It's a year later now, and he still hasn't lost it. But he will do one day. I may have harmed my chances with any girls who read this, but remember that I did last for over 30 minutes each time, and I'm more than willing to lick you out.
So, that is all.
Monday, 12 April 2010
Day 19: Amari Watergate
We packed into a taxi, Mo swilled us with a curry he'd bought as he tried to climb in and we sped off towards the Amari Watergate. The taxi driver was like all the others we've had this trip. He kept turning around talking to us, fake Barcelona top on, leaning out the window swearing, swerving between cars, screaming and laughing. We got across the city in minutes.
The hotel was a modern grey skyscraper, next to it were slums. People lay about exhausted on the side of the road, some without arms, others with their eyes put out, begging for money. We gave them fuck all and marched into the 5 star hotel.
The reception was all marble with flower displays and a fountain. Men in suits stood around waiting for business appointment, and the 5 of us had strutted in wearing shorts and flip-flops. It really was a luxury hotel. Henry had kept going on about how we 'needed to treat ourselves', and he was right. Our rooms were on the 22nd floor, overlooking the whole of Bangkok.
We made our way to the pool and spa, where we sat lazed about in the late afternoon sun and then went in the steam room, wanked in the showers (which were the best showers I've ever been in, with a choice of three different shower gels, and lemon scented conditioner- perfect for a bit of lube).
We were 'famine', as Jonny would say, so we headed back to the shopping mall we'd been to on the first day. It's called Siam Paragon. The food court has everything and we spent an hour eating all we could. It took ages to get there, because a gook sent us the wrong way, all because we'd refused to get in his tuc-tuc. We found ourselves sweating, walking through packed markets, in the complete wrong direction. He was the only gook I'd met this trip who I can remember thinking was a complete cunt. (I'd say I apologise for the casual use of the word 'gook' throughout, but it wouldn't be sincere).
My IBS reached a new high. The food I ate came back out my arse, partially digested. A pool of tomato and noodles floating around in the toilet water.
Went to see Public Enemies at the cinema. It was average. The cinema was like a fucking hotel though. I went for another shit, in the end cubicle before the film, and the person in the cubicle next to me was having a wank. He had the magazine on the floor, and I could see the reflection of his face in the marble tiles. He was biting his bottom lip and absolutely going for it.
Back at the hotel we found a note stuck to our door. It read 'Divies on Tour, Myself and Imran are here, staying in room 1006 on the 10th floor. Hoped to surprise you. Pity. Find us if you haven't gone out already. On it to vomit freshers.'
So we met up with Imran and Oscar, but we were all too tired to go out. Not even the thought of a relaxing handy could get me out of bed. And that was our last night in Thailand.
The hotel was a modern grey skyscraper, next to it were slums. People lay about exhausted on the side of the road, some without arms, others with their eyes put out, begging for money. We gave them fuck all and marched into the 5 star hotel.
The reception was all marble with flower displays and a fountain. Men in suits stood around waiting for business appointment, and the 5 of us had strutted in wearing shorts and flip-flops. It really was a luxury hotel. Henry had kept going on about how we 'needed to treat ourselves', and he was right. Our rooms were on the 22nd floor, overlooking the whole of Bangkok.
We made our way to the pool and spa, where we sat lazed about in the late afternoon sun and then went in the steam room, wanked in the showers (which were the best showers I've ever been in, with a choice of three different shower gels, and lemon scented conditioner- perfect for a bit of lube).
We were 'famine', as Jonny would say, so we headed back to the shopping mall we'd been to on the first day. It's called Siam Paragon. The food court has everything and we spent an hour eating all we could. It took ages to get there, because a gook sent us the wrong way, all because we'd refused to get in his tuc-tuc. We found ourselves sweating, walking through packed markets, in the complete wrong direction. He was the only gook I'd met this trip who I can remember thinking was a complete cunt. (I'd say I apologise for the casual use of the word 'gook' throughout, but it wouldn't be sincere).
My IBS reached a new high. The food I ate came back out my arse, partially digested. A pool of tomato and noodles floating around in the toilet water.
Went to see Public Enemies at the cinema. It was average. The cinema was like a fucking hotel though. I went for another shit, in the end cubicle before the film, and the person in the cubicle next to me was having a wank. He had the magazine on the floor, and I could see the reflection of his face in the marble tiles. He was biting his bottom lip and absolutely going for it.
Back at the hotel we found a note stuck to our door. It read 'Divies on Tour, Myself and Imran are here, staying in room 1006 on the 10th floor. Hoped to surprise you. Pity. Find us if you haven't gone out already. On it to vomit freshers.'
So we met up with Imran and Oscar, but we were all too tired to go out. Not even the thought of a relaxing handy could get me out of bed. And that was our last night in Thailand.
Sunday, 11 April 2010
Day 18: Blowie Off a Man
We said goodbye to the 'giggly girls'. A photo was taken with them, and I was standing behind the fit one, and Jonny forced his finger up her arse, making it look like it was me. She turned round half smilingm half disgusted and didn't speak and then we left.
The plane to Bangkok was delayed for 2 hours. There was a storm and I was nervous about getting a small Thai plane in this weather. What made it worse is that it was my turn to have the shits. So a combination of IBS and diarrhoea meant an unpleasant two hours. We sat around, sad to be leaving, knowing that the trip was over. Mo had bracelets all over his arms and legs and looked like a moron. Jonny's sun tan was flaking off. I had hickeys all over my neck and chest. Henry was thinking about his ex. And Harry was thinking of a story he'd make up to cover his back about the pro. We weren't in a good mood and sat in silence until our flight was called.
We got off after a turbulent flight back into the sticky Bangkok air and had a heated debate about where to stay. We couldn't decide whether to go to a cheap hotel in the tourist part, or stay in the Amari Watergate, a 5 star hotel that Imran and Oscar had stayed in.
So we stayed in the shit place and the bed was the hardest I've ever felt, and men with geckos were walking around outside and the room had cockroaches in and was just above a bar, and for the first time since getting here I was a bit pissed with how things were.
We went for a drink in a crammed bar, trying to watch Liverpool vs. Thailand. Then to another packed bar where we crowded around a small table and drank overpriced Changs. Four typical travellers were sitting on the table next to us. Long hair, the men had beards, dirty looking faces, loads of necklaces, a tattoo from their travels, posh traveller accents, they told stories about life and how to live it, and were cunts. Mo managed to get in a fight with the woman. She was from New Zealand, nails, about 6 foot, broad shoulders. She started talking to us and giving us bullshit advice like 'embrace randomness it's the way to life'. What the fuck does that even mean? Mo wanted to rip her throat out in the bar, but we held him back. She taunted him and actually suggested that they take this outside. I'd have loved to see that fight.
I went back to the hotel room. Henry was sharing with me, and he'd gone off to one more bar in a last ditch attempt to pig. Just as I was getting off to sleep, he burst in the room, excited.
'Charlie, Charlie, you awake?'
'What do you want?'
'I've found this bird. Basically she's a man and I know she is. But she, well he, looks like Rhianna, just a little bit taller. So fit. Ask Jonny, he said she was fit as well.'
'She's a fucking man.'
'I know, I know. But that doesn't matter. What do you reckon?'
'What do you mean, what do I reckon?'
'Well, is it weird for me to go for her?'
'You're fucking kidding aren't you?'
'Na man, I wish you'd seen her. You'd feel the same. Ah shit, it's too good an opportunity to pass.'
And with that he left the room.
When I woke up, he was sitting upright in his bed.
'I didn't fuck her. But she sucked me off in a toilet.'
'Was she a man?'
'Yes.'
'You sure?'
'Yes.'
And that was it.
The plane to Bangkok was delayed for 2 hours. There was a storm and I was nervous about getting a small Thai plane in this weather. What made it worse is that it was my turn to have the shits. So a combination of IBS and diarrhoea meant an unpleasant two hours. We sat around, sad to be leaving, knowing that the trip was over. Mo had bracelets all over his arms and legs and looked like a moron. Jonny's sun tan was flaking off. I had hickeys all over my neck and chest. Henry was thinking about his ex. And Harry was thinking of a story he'd make up to cover his back about the pro. We weren't in a good mood and sat in silence until our flight was called.
We got off after a turbulent flight back into the sticky Bangkok air and had a heated debate about where to stay. We couldn't decide whether to go to a cheap hotel in the tourist part, or stay in the Amari Watergate, a 5 star hotel that Imran and Oscar had stayed in.
So we stayed in the shit place and the bed was the hardest I've ever felt, and men with geckos were walking around outside and the room had cockroaches in and was just above a bar, and for the first time since getting here I was a bit pissed with how things were.
We went for a drink in a crammed bar, trying to watch Liverpool vs. Thailand. Then to another packed bar where we crowded around a small table and drank overpriced Changs. Four typical travellers were sitting on the table next to us. Long hair, the men had beards, dirty looking faces, loads of necklaces, a tattoo from their travels, posh traveller accents, they told stories about life and how to live it, and were cunts. Mo managed to get in a fight with the woman. She was from New Zealand, nails, about 6 foot, broad shoulders. She started talking to us and giving us bullshit advice like 'embrace randomness it's the way to life'. What the fuck does that even mean? Mo wanted to rip her throat out in the bar, but we held him back. She taunted him and actually suggested that they take this outside. I'd have loved to see that fight.
I went back to the hotel room. Henry was sharing with me, and he'd gone off to one more bar in a last ditch attempt to pig. Just as I was getting off to sleep, he burst in the room, excited.
'Charlie, Charlie, you awake?'
'What do you want?'
'I've found this bird. Basically she's a man and I know she is. But she, well he, looks like Rhianna, just a little bit taller. So fit. Ask Jonny, he said she was fit as well.'
'She's a fucking man.'
'I know, I know. But that doesn't matter. What do you reckon?'
'What do you mean, what do I reckon?'
'Well, is it weird for me to go for her?'
'You're fucking kidding aren't you?'
'Na man, I wish you'd seen her. You'd feel the same. Ah shit, it's too good an opportunity to pass.'
And with that he left the room.
When I woke up, he was sitting upright in his bed.
'I didn't fuck her. But she sucked me off in a toilet.'
'Was she a man?'
'Yes.'
'You sure?'
'Yes.'
And that was it.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
Day 17: Sex and a Nazi
Last day in Phuket. The trip is nearly over. It has gone quickly and I'll be sad to leave. Back to Newcastle,where I'll watch James King on nights out and threaten to jump him, or text girls who are out of my league, drunk, saying things like 'I'm back from London YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT, come round to my poetry den and I'll touch you Boo Ya' which got sent to a girl when Henry took advantage of my drunkenness. And I'll watch Henry and Jonny sleep with girls, and maybe join in once or twice, but there'll be no Mel or £3 handys or midnight pancakes and currys and Changs on the beach.
A lot of time was spent walking around the shops with Mo. If I came back to Thailand I'd spend less time in Phuket. We've exhausted it, so it's a bit repetitive now. But you do need to see Phuket, and taste the women.
'You wanna nice suit my friend? Only 3000 baht, real silk my friend'
'We'll give you 5000 baht?' Mo said.
'Excuse my friend?'
'Actually 6000.' I said.
We walked of laughing, the gook confused. 'You fucking mother fucker cock suckers,' he shouted and started coming after us probably with a knife. We ran.
The night out. The last of our sordid adventures, and probably the dirtiest of them all. Certainly the most eventful.
Straight to the now very familiar pro bars. Whiskey and Singha's for us all. We drank a bit by ourselves, not being too pestered by the pros, watched highlights from a Man Utd pre season match, and after another beer, our cocks were twitching and our teeth were ready to sink into the neck and minge of a Thai girl (tonight I actually put my words into action and bit (and was bitten back) from a pro).
Imran was hammering the pros at Connect 4. I'd never seen them lose a game until then. Me and Oscar kept losing at Jenga. Mo was chain smoking menthols with a J&B in his hand, Henry had gone off somewhere, Jonny had four girls around him, and Harry was considering not drinking again and doing terrible things to women.
The concept of playing board games with prostitutes before you fuck them is very funny.
I pigged one for a while. She'd been working at the bar last time we came. She wasn't attractive, in her 30s, with glasses and a scrunched up face. Every time we played the dice game, she'd put the dice up her minge, then make me put them in my mouth, and for my turn she'd hold my cock whilst I rolled. I couldn't resist her. So I knocked up a big bar bill and got drunk with her. After a while in the bar I told her I didn't have any money left and asked if she still wanted to come back. She agreed, and said we'd need to go to another bar first. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I was getting a pro for free. Is that still sleeping with a prostitute?
I left Henry at the bar who'd gone back for the same pro he'd had last time. He was licking her neck and she was massaging his stump and he had a dirty pervy smile spread across his face and winked at me as I left.
Tonight all the bars had to close earlier, at around 2am, because there was some of the royal family and government in Phuket and a lot of the Bangkok police were there, carrying guns, looking to kick the shit out of some drunken tourists.
The pro led me on a twenty minute walk, away from my hotel, down back alleys where men sat on deck chairs and stared at me, through some sort of brothel where people were screaming and babies were crying, to a dimly lit bar which had 3 people in and a pool table.
The first person was a guy from Birmingham. Short hair, earrings, gold chains, knuckle dusters, thick accent. The next was the hardest man alive (he'd have killed the skinhead in Phi Phi, fucking killed him). This guy was from Australia, he owned the bar and had moved here to get married to a prostitute and sleep around. He was wearing a ripped sleeveless top, all the way up his arms were tattoos of skulls and words I didn't understand, the tats stretched up to his neck, and just below his chin was a swastika. One of his eyes had been put out, and it was cloudy and red. I'm not exaggerating with this description. He was the stereotypical skinhead Nazi. I was terrified. The last person was his wife, she was 19, a prostitute, beautiful, nervous and on a lot of drugs.
'Alright mate are you?' The Brummie said in an accent I could barely understand.
'Yea not bad,' I replied, my voice shaking a little bit.
My pro had gone off somewhere with the other girl (which turned out to be for coke) and I was left with the Nazi and the Brummie.
'Right so I was going through the back of this fucking girl last night wasn't I, and I just started cracking her in the fucking ribs. (He started to act out beating her) Take that you little bitch, take that.'
The Nazi was laughing and the Brummie kept pretending to punch the prostitute and fuck her from behind. Next it was the Nazi's turn to brag.
'When I first move here, I fucked everything that moved. And if it didn't move, I'd punch the cunt until she did.'
I found myself laughing and telling them about how I'd spat in a pro's face the other night. Am I just as bad as these?
'Right, I'll play you at pool,' the Nazi shouted.
'Na, I'm not great and I'm too drunk to play.'
'You're fucking playing,' he shouted back staring at me with his one eye.
'Yea alright then, I'll set them up.'
'If I win you give me all the money in your wallet, and if you win I'll give you anything you want.' I didn't argue. That was the rules. I had 800 baht in my wallet, so not too much. I was interested to see what 'anything you want' was. Would it be his cock up my arse whilst the Brummie guy hit my tonsils with his? Or a line of coke off his wife's arse hole whilst the other one tongued me?
The two girls returned and put the coke on the table. And we began the game of pool. He wasn't bad, but I was much better, delicately potting, playing doubles, putting screw on the ball. It could well be the best I've played. But I didn't want to win. I was scared that it would be the end of me if I did. So I let him get onto the black, and he missed an easy pot to win and left the black hovering over the pocket, so I took a gulp and potted it.
He stared at me for a while, then laughed and hit my back and asked what I wanted. I said I didn't want anything, but he insisted. So he opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and handed it to me and gave me 500 baht and they started snorting again and then dancing and he started to pull his wife over the bar and force his hand up her dress.
Next thing I knew, 4 police had come into the bar. The music was off. The bar was supposed to have closed 2 hours ago, and they saw the coke on the table, and I'm sure it's death penalty for drugs. They started shouting in Thai, and grabbed the Australian, and the Brummie had left and was hurrying down a dark back alley. My pro grabbed my hand and said something to the policeman and we ran. After 5 minutes we stopped and she pulled me into the dark entrance of a shop and started kissing me and wanking me off, and I forced my fingers up her and my mind was everywhere and I was far too fucked to understand what had just happened.
We went back to my hotel for 'Boom Boom' as she called it. I hurried into the room, where Harry was asleep and shook him awake and tried to tell him what had happened. Then I ran next door, where Imran and Oscar were beneath the covers aggressively powering through their pros. Then down into Henry's room where he was cuddled up to a girl whispering in her ear and Jonny was spoon-fucking his, and Mo was in the bathroom being sick. (Mo's night had involved him offering a ladyboy 20 baht for sex, and she had punched him the side of the head, and he then stumbled to more bars by himself drinking nothing but whiskey, then ran into McDonald's throwing stools and trays onto the floor and demanding change from an order he'd never made, before settling for two meals).
The sex. In the shower she got on her knees and sucked my balls for a while and massaged my gooch and I put my toothbrush up her and she punched me in the ribs.
Then into the bedroom and Harry was half-asleep next to us. I started quietly in missionary but we both got bored, so I turned her round, then threw her on her belly and licked her out from behind, my nose in her arsehole, which I fingered (but again she wouldn't let me fuck). Then I was strangling her and she was scratching my back and biting my neck as hard as she could, so I bit her back and then started biting her inner thigh. Then I sucked her toes and tried to fit as many fingers as I could up her. I came inside her, lay for a while kissing her then turned around for sleep.
About 30 minutes later I was shook awake for more 'Boom Boom' and it started again and her whole body shook and she panted as she came. It was violent violent sex, but some of the best I've ever had. I woke up a few hours later and she was gone, and I thought about what had happened earlier, but still couldn't really understand it.
A lot of time was spent walking around the shops with Mo. If I came back to Thailand I'd spend less time in Phuket. We've exhausted it, so it's a bit repetitive now. But you do need to see Phuket, and taste the women.
'You wanna nice suit my friend? Only 3000 baht, real silk my friend'
'We'll give you 5000 baht?' Mo said.
'Excuse my friend?'
'Actually 6000.' I said.
We walked of laughing, the gook confused. 'You fucking mother fucker cock suckers,' he shouted and started coming after us probably with a knife. We ran.
The night out. The last of our sordid adventures, and probably the dirtiest of them all. Certainly the most eventful.
Straight to the now very familiar pro bars. Whiskey and Singha's for us all. We drank a bit by ourselves, not being too pestered by the pros, watched highlights from a Man Utd pre season match, and after another beer, our cocks were twitching and our teeth were ready to sink into the neck and minge of a Thai girl (tonight I actually put my words into action and bit (and was bitten back) from a pro).
Imran was hammering the pros at Connect 4. I'd never seen them lose a game until then. Me and Oscar kept losing at Jenga. Mo was chain smoking menthols with a J&B in his hand, Henry had gone off somewhere, Jonny had four girls around him, and Harry was considering not drinking again and doing terrible things to women.
The concept of playing board games with prostitutes before you fuck them is very funny.
I pigged one for a while. She'd been working at the bar last time we came. She wasn't attractive, in her 30s, with glasses and a scrunched up face. Every time we played the dice game, she'd put the dice up her minge, then make me put them in my mouth, and for my turn she'd hold my cock whilst I rolled. I couldn't resist her. So I knocked up a big bar bill and got drunk with her. After a while in the bar I told her I didn't have any money left and asked if she still wanted to come back. She agreed, and said we'd need to go to another bar first. I didn't really understand what was happening, but I was getting a pro for free. Is that still sleeping with a prostitute?
I left Henry at the bar who'd gone back for the same pro he'd had last time. He was licking her neck and she was massaging his stump and he had a dirty pervy smile spread across his face and winked at me as I left.
Tonight all the bars had to close earlier, at around 2am, because there was some of the royal family and government in Phuket and a lot of the Bangkok police were there, carrying guns, looking to kick the shit out of some drunken tourists.
The pro led me on a twenty minute walk, away from my hotel, down back alleys where men sat on deck chairs and stared at me, through some sort of brothel where people were screaming and babies were crying, to a dimly lit bar which had 3 people in and a pool table.
The first person was a guy from Birmingham. Short hair, earrings, gold chains, knuckle dusters, thick accent. The next was the hardest man alive (he'd have killed the skinhead in Phi Phi, fucking killed him). This guy was from Australia, he owned the bar and had moved here to get married to a prostitute and sleep around. He was wearing a ripped sleeveless top, all the way up his arms were tattoos of skulls and words I didn't understand, the tats stretched up to his neck, and just below his chin was a swastika. One of his eyes had been put out, and it was cloudy and red. I'm not exaggerating with this description. He was the stereotypical skinhead Nazi. I was terrified. The last person was his wife, she was 19, a prostitute, beautiful, nervous and on a lot of drugs.
'Alright mate are you?' The Brummie said in an accent I could barely understand.
'Yea not bad,' I replied, my voice shaking a little bit.
My pro had gone off somewhere with the other girl (which turned out to be for coke) and I was left with the Nazi and the Brummie.
'Right so I was going through the back of this fucking girl last night wasn't I, and I just started cracking her in the fucking ribs. (He started to act out beating her) Take that you little bitch, take that.'
The Nazi was laughing and the Brummie kept pretending to punch the prostitute and fuck her from behind. Next it was the Nazi's turn to brag.
'When I first move here, I fucked everything that moved. And if it didn't move, I'd punch the cunt until she did.'
I found myself laughing and telling them about how I'd spat in a pro's face the other night. Am I just as bad as these?
'Right, I'll play you at pool,' the Nazi shouted.
'Na, I'm not great and I'm too drunk to play.'
'You're fucking playing,' he shouted back staring at me with his one eye.
'Yea alright then, I'll set them up.'
'If I win you give me all the money in your wallet, and if you win I'll give you anything you want.' I didn't argue. That was the rules. I had 800 baht in my wallet, so not too much. I was interested to see what 'anything you want' was. Would it be his cock up my arse whilst the Brummie guy hit my tonsils with his? Or a line of coke off his wife's arse hole whilst the other one tongued me?
The two girls returned and put the coke on the table. And we began the game of pool. He wasn't bad, but I was much better, delicately potting, playing doubles, putting screw on the ball. It could well be the best I've played. But I didn't want to win. I was scared that it would be the end of me if I did. So I let him get onto the black, and he missed an easy pot to win and left the black hovering over the pocket, so I took a gulp and potted it.
He stared at me for a while, then laughed and hit my back and asked what I wanted. I said I didn't want anything, but he insisted. So he opened a bottle of Jack Daniels and handed it to me and gave me 500 baht and they started snorting again and then dancing and he started to pull his wife over the bar and force his hand up her dress.
Next thing I knew, 4 police had come into the bar. The music was off. The bar was supposed to have closed 2 hours ago, and they saw the coke on the table, and I'm sure it's death penalty for drugs. They started shouting in Thai, and grabbed the Australian, and the Brummie had left and was hurrying down a dark back alley. My pro grabbed my hand and said something to the policeman and we ran. After 5 minutes we stopped and she pulled me into the dark entrance of a shop and started kissing me and wanking me off, and I forced my fingers up her and my mind was everywhere and I was far too fucked to understand what had just happened.
We went back to my hotel for 'Boom Boom' as she called it. I hurried into the room, where Harry was asleep and shook him awake and tried to tell him what had happened. Then I ran next door, where Imran and Oscar were beneath the covers aggressively powering through their pros. Then down into Henry's room where he was cuddled up to a girl whispering in her ear and Jonny was spoon-fucking his, and Mo was in the bathroom being sick. (Mo's night had involved him offering a ladyboy 20 baht for sex, and she had punched him the side of the head, and he then stumbled to more bars by himself drinking nothing but whiskey, then ran into McDonald's throwing stools and trays onto the floor and demanding change from an order he'd never made, before settling for two meals).
The sex. In the shower she got on her knees and sucked my balls for a while and massaged my gooch and I put my toothbrush up her and she punched me in the ribs.
Then into the bedroom and Harry was half-asleep next to us. I started quietly in missionary but we both got bored, so I turned her round, then threw her on her belly and licked her out from behind, my nose in her arsehole, which I fingered (but again she wouldn't let me fuck). Then I was strangling her and she was scratching my back and biting my neck as hard as she could, so I bit her back and then started biting her inner thigh. Then I sucked her toes and tried to fit as many fingers as I could up her. I came inside her, lay for a while kissing her then turned around for sleep.
About 30 minutes later I was shook awake for more 'Boom Boom' and it started again and her whole body shook and she panted as she came. It was violent violent sex, but some of the best I've ever had. I woke up a few hours later and she was gone, and I thought about what had happened earlier, but still couldn't really understand it.
Day 16: Fantasea
Harry woke up at about 6am, and had the loudest fucking shower I've heard, then started banging cupboards and doing morning stretches. Who the fuck does morning stretches? Fucking anti-kip. So I was awake.
A day in the sun with home made coconut oil left me burnt again. But it was nothing compared to Oscar. His whole back was burnt. Flakes of flesh was peeling off, like chunks of parmesan. Swollen blisters were bleeding, and puss was running down his back. But he powered through it, top off, sitting out in the sun. An old Thai lady, hunch backed, bent over carrying wooden buckets of ice cold palm olive leaves. She rubbed the freezing gel all over his body with her wrinkly experienced hands. It probably did nothing, but it looked and smelt nice.
Then we went to Fantasea. Henry had essentially forced us to go, saying he hadn't gone last time and he thought it would be the highlight of the trip. Fantasea is Thailand's number one tourist destination (apparently), and it wasn't cheap. It was hard handing over 1000 baht, knowing that could be a pro and a meal.
It was Thailand's version of Disney Land. A very shitty version though. Neon lights and loads of gooks taking pictures and doing the peace sign. Why do all Asian people smile and do the peace sign in photos? We went inside walked around for a bit, past game stalls where you could win small cuddly toys, and then went into a sort of zoo except there were only really two white tigers in a cage walking about bored. Then we went for the meal, which was in a huge room with chandeliers and we all had an eating competition (or was I competing with myself?) and ate chips and noodles and cut meats and juicy water melon and maasaman, green and red curry and fish cooked in spicy oil with green beans and chunks of potato, then jelly and ice cream and small pistachio cakes and dark chocolate fudge. The meal made up for the show, which was terrible. There was some acrobatics which were fairly impressive and they made elephants stand on trampolines, but apart from that it was cheesy and annoying. They had Thai-American high pitched voices and it was designed for 6 year old kids.
The highlight was when Imran turned round and said something like 'Why don't you shut the fucking hell up' to a family and their kids behind us.
When it finished, at first we didn't take the piss out of Henry, because he clearly had put himself under pressure by promising that it would be life changing. But it didn't last long, and we told him what a fat selfish wanker he really was. The fucking Henry show.
So we went home, too bloated from the feast to consider mounting a pro, and slept, only half satisfied with the night.
A day in the sun with home made coconut oil left me burnt again. But it was nothing compared to Oscar. His whole back was burnt. Flakes of flesh was peeling off, like chunks of parmesan. Swollen blisters were bleeding, and puss was running down his back. But he powered through it, top off, sitting out in the sun. An old Thai lady, hunch backed, bent over carrying wooden buckets of ice cold palm olive leaves. She rubbed the freezing gel all over his body with her wrinkly experienced hands. It probably did nothing, but it looked and smelt nice.
Then we went to Fantasea. Henry had essentially forced us to go, saying he hadn't gone last time and he thought it would be the highlight of the trip. Fantasea is Thailand's number one tourist destination (apparently), and it wasn't cheap. It was hard handing over 1000 baht, knowing that could be a pro and a meal.
It was Thailand's version of Disney Land. A very shitty version though. Neon lights and loads of gooks taking pictures and doing the peace sign. Why do all Asian people smile and do the peace sign in photos? We went inside walked around for a bit, past game stalls where you could win small cuddly toys, and then went into a sort of zoo except there were only really two white tigers in a cage walking about bored. Then we went for the meal, which was in a huge room with chandeliers and we all had an eating competition (or was I competing with myself?) and ate chips and noodles and cut meats and juicy water melon and maasaman, green and red curry and fish cooked in spicy oil with green beans and chunks of potato, then jelly and ice cream and small pistachio cakes and dark chocolate fudge. The meal made up for the show, which was terrible. There was some acrobatics which were fairly impressive and they made elephants stand on trampolines, but apart from that it was cheesy and annoying. They had Thai-American high pitched voices and it was designed for 6 year old kids.
The highlight was when Imran turned round and said something like 'Why don't you shut the fucking hell up' to a family and their kids behind us.
When it finished, at first we didn't take the piss out of Henry, because he clearly had put himself under pressure by promising that it would be life changing. But it didn't last long, and we told him what a fat selfish wanker he really was. The fucking Henry show.
So we went home, too bloated from the feast to consider mounting a pro, and slept, only half satisfied with the night.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Day 15: Violation
I was sad to leave Phi Phi, but arriving back at the hotel in Phuket felt like coming home. The 'giggly girls' were there. One of them looks like the fit sister from Fresh Prince. She wears orange Crocs and tight dark blue jeans. She speaks no English, so I just sit and watch her make ice cream and when she sees that I'm staring I pretend to be reading the menu. Jonny pigged the receptionist for the rest of the day, and we invited her out with us for a drink, but Jonny wasn't willing to share her with us, so shot the bull saying that she had a boyfriend and wouldn't be out.
We showed Imran and Oscar around Phuket. We'd show them it properly at night. The pros sleep during the day.
Then a massage. I was conned. Jonny and Henry walked in and took the two girls who were free for the massage. And I was left with the mystery guest, the booby prize. Behind a curtain came out this bulky 40 year old woman. I'm 30 per cent sure she was a woman. We were led up the familiar staircase to the curtained room. Off with my clothes, and I lay down, my limp penis shrivelling away from her rough and cruel looking hands. Jonny and Henry were already laughing and kissing their girls. Not mine, there was no affection. She stared down harshly into my eyes and began the massage.
So the massage. I can't really call it a massage. It was a violation. I was essentially raped. She began not with a light massage of the shoulders but by cracking my knuckles and digging her fists into my elbow joints. Next she started to nipple cripple me. At first it was light and playful, then she really twisted them.
'You like?' She said staring down at my horrified face.
I remained silent. She then started to pull my nipple hairs out. Then she bypassed the handy and went straight for the arse. Now I don't mind a bit of gooch play when I'm getting wanked off. In fact, I'll even let a girl put a finger up there. But this was neither. She pulled some of my gooch hairs out, then slowly at first, but then with relish and vigour, forced three fingers, well past knuckle, straight up my arse hole, and seemed to be scratching about in there. It hurt a lot. I tried to tighten my arse muscles to force her out, but it didn't work. Was it her fingers up my arse that gave me the erection? Because I was rock hard.
Then came the handjob. Jonny was getting a long loving wank, off his, and fucking Henry had manipulated his to take off her top and suck him off. Mine remained fully clothed, and worked my cock. No lube, no spit, a dry powerful handy. My cock was red raw in seconds. It was an 'unhappy ending', and it took a long time. As I came she turned my cock onto myself, so that I was left with a puddle of jizz in my belly button. I handed over the money and hobbled back to the hotel. My arse hole had expanded and my body had red marks all over it.
We watched the Ashes and went to bed. Poo seeped out my arse all night, I felt like I'd been raped.
We showed Imran and Oscar around Phuket. We'd show them it properly at night. The pros sleep during the day.
Then a massage. I was conned. Jonny and Henry walked in and took the two girls who were free for the massage. And I was left with the mystery guest, the booby prize. Behind a curtain came out this bulky 40 year old woman. I'm 30 per cent sure she was a woman. We were led up the familiar staircase to the curtained room. Off with my clothes, and I lay down, my limp penis shrivelling away from her rough and cruel looking hands. Jonny and Henry were already laughing and kissing their girls. Not mine, there was no affection. She stared down harshly into my eyes and began the massage.
So the massage. I can't really call it a massage. It was a violation. I was essentially raped. She began not with a light massage of the shoulders but by cracking my knuckles and digging her fists into my elbow joints. Next she started to nipple cripple me. At first it was light and playful, then she really twisted them.
'You like?' She said staring down at my horrified face.
I remained silent. She then started to pull my nipple hairs out. Then she bypassed the handy and went straight for the arse. Now I don't mind a bit of gooch play when I'm getting wanked off. In fact, I'll even let a girl put a finger up there. But this was neither. She pulled some of my gooch hairs out, then slowly at first, but then with relish and vigour, forced three fingers, well past knuckle, straight up my arse hole, and seemed to be scratching about in there. It hurt a lot. I tried to tighten my arse muscles to force her out, but it didn't work. Was it her fingers up my arse that gave me the erection? Because I was rock hard.
Then came the handjob. Jonny was getting a long loving wank, off his, and fucking Henry had manipulated his to take off her top and suck him off. Mine remained fully clothed, and worked my cock. No lube, no spit, a dry powerful handy. My cock was red raw in seconds. It was an 'unhappy ending', and it took a long time. As I came she turned my cock onto myself, so that I was left with a puddle of jizz in my belly button. I handed over the money and hobbled back to the hotel. My arse hole had expanded and my body had red marks all over it.
We watched the Ashes and went to bed. Poo seeped out my arse all night, I felt like I'd been raped.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Day 14: Reggae Bird
Another early wake up for a tour around the islands. We went to the place where The Beach was filmed (Maya Bay). A bit of an anticlimax, loads of people, petrol in the water from all the boats, litter everywhere. It looked good though. To get to the beach we had to swim to some ladders, which were against a steep rock face. There was a patch of coral before the ladder which we all had to clamber over, trying to hold onto a rope that was loose and covered in slippy seaweed. I nearly lost my fucking leg on the coral, and the waves kept hammering against me. So turning up to see an average sight at the cost of my leg probably wasn't worth it.
At the first stop we all climbed onto the roof of the boat. It was three decks high and the roof was another 8 or so foot up. We all managed to get up, apart from Jonny, who'd just lubed himself up in coconut oil before attempting the running jump and grab at the 8 foot ledge. He surprisingly made it, but the oil worked against him, and he fell backwards, legs straight up in the air, onto his back and head. The whole boat laughed, and he just did a stupid smile. As if that wasn't stupid enough for him, he then shouted 'here watch is make this jump' and threw his mask and snorkel into the water, before posing and asking somebody to take a photo of him. So there went his mask and snorkel and another heavy fine. We'd been warned about thirty times before getting on the boat that they were expensive and that they didn't float.
One island was deserted except for a wooden hut and a few hens. I've never seen anybody more shocked and amazed by the hens than Jonny. 'Err, here man, how the fuck can hens live in Thailand? They're from England not fucking Thailand, that's fucking mental that'.
We were all tired and not really up for a night out, but we were leaving Phi Phi tomorrow so we decided to make the most of it. Six red bulls and some Changs (served by the curvy smiley (fat) waitress I later fucked). We watched more kick boxing. First fight was two kids, about 10, and they kicked shit out of each other, and the fight had to eventually get stopped. Next was even better, two girls, one was skinny and had no power in her punches, the other was like Henry's ex, a big fat shot putter, massive iron jaw and a mean right hook. Her finishing move was a swinging haymaker directly to the face, which knocked the skinny one over the top ropes and out of the ring.
Oli and his fucking entourage of birds came in. I'll not get started on him again. He looked devilishly handsome and had the girls wet at his feet.
Two birds who had been on the island tour were in the bar, and we got talking to them. We were all after one of them. She had died maroon hair, frumpy is the best way to describe her, but she looked like the type who gave a cracking blowie and would let you rim her if she could rim you first. So we all tried our luck with her and kind of cock blocked each other in doing so. I gave up. When Henry is in the game, you tend not to get the bird. Now that's not because he's special at getting birds, or particularly good looking, it's raw persistence. I've seen him offer one girl good money before back in Newcastle. He won't leave them alone and will reduce himself to such a low level to get them.
We headed to the beach, and soon things weren't making sense, and Jonny was with the red haired girl and Henry was going off with another one, and I was with Oscar trying to pick up the scraps. Imran was off with a fit blonde, who he power humped back at hers and made it back to the beach before we left.
Henry met back up with me and we went on the hunt for rat. He used one of the worst lines I've heard in a while. Two very fit girls were sitting down enjoying a drink. Henry dragged me over, his top stained with sauce from dinner, sweat on his forehead, his fat arse being exaggerated by his tight football shorts. 'Excuse me girls have you got the time, (then he faked a yawn) actually I think I'll just sit down here next to you, feet are getting a little tired (he said the last bit in a kind of yawning Deep South America voice)'. That's when I realised that Mo was the new Doctor Love. The girls got up and left, hurt by the fact that two fattys (me and Henry) thought we even stood a chance.
Jonny went off with the red hair. What happened was he started fucking her on the beach for a while, and people kept walking past and he kept losing his erection, and she got sand up her cunt which hurt them both. So they went back to hers, but thing was she was staying with this girl, who happened to be a dwarf and a lesbian, and she was protective about her mate, so as Jonny was just about to dribble out his load, this dwarf started shouting at him and scratching and hitting him with her shoes. So Jonny ran, taking some of their money and maybe jewelery and came back.
The waitress from Reggae Bar came up to me and started dancing. I was surprised. Apparently in the bar I'd told her to come and find me later. So she had done. I soon led her away. We went to a wooden fishing boat and sat in it. The tide was right out, and I told her a Tsunami was coming, which was probably a bit insensitive of me given a Tsunami had recently killed loads of Thais. She was being a bit tight with what she was willing to hand out. One of those girls who let you feed the horse, but don't return the favour. There is such a classic example of one in Newcastle, who so many of us have jabbed, but I won't name her. So I unbuttoned my pants and she looked at it for a while and put it in her mouth ('Don't just stare at it eat' I blurted out. She didn't get the joke,). It wasn't the best blowie, not toothy, just very little movement, she just dribbled on it a bit and then said we should go back.
Led her back to the hotel, and got her into bed. I took all my clothes off before she'd even sat down on the bed, and soon I was fingering her. It was making that wet squelch which always turns me on. But then she said she had to go and get changed. I figured she was bailing, so I threw my fingers up her aggressively and turned over and went to sleep.
What must have been about an hour later she was shaking me awake. She'd left and had come back in a different outfit. It was weird.
So I lay her down and took her pants off. She seemed a bit nervous, so I told her I loved her and kissed her softly. As I got down to the cunt, which smelt like a cunt (I'm not a fan of girls who's pussy smells of honey and roses, it's not pleasant, I like hair, maybe vintage, and a good strong smell, maybe a hint of piss in there). She had just that type of vagina.
'No, I have not wash today.' She said, apologetically, expecting this to deter me.
I smiled, laughed, and delved in. Pubes in my teeth, I rubbed the juices all over my face. I was ravenous. Chewing the clit, spitting, forcing four fingers up making her squeal a bit in pain, then biting her neck and legs. Was I biting her shin? That's the second shin I've bitten this summer.
(Whilst I was doing all this, Mo was on the other bed, in a cold sweat. He had a bit of a fever, and had been throwing up, and was in desperate need of sleep.)
I fucked her three times and enjoyed it. I woke up an hour later and she was gone, then in the morning she was next to me. I never understood this. She said goodbye to me, taking my name (she later added me on Facebook- she definitely wasn't the curvy smiley waitress I'd imagined).
So we got back on the boat and left Phi Phi. Back to Phuket, and more sordid adventures. Maybe if Mo had written this diary you would have a better idea of the cultural side of Thailand, or the scenery. But Mo didn't write it, and in Phuket we all enjoy some more young pros.
At the first stop we all climbed onto the roof of the boat. It was three decks high and the roof was another 8 or so foot up. We all managed to get up, apart from Jonny, who'd just lubed himself up in coconut oil before attempting the running jump and grab at the 8 foot ledge. He surprisingly made it, but the oil worked against him, and he fell backwards, legs straight up in the air, onto his back and head. The whole boat laughed, and he just did a stupid smile. As if that wasn't stupid enough for him, he then shouted 'here watch is make this jump' and threw his mask and snorkel into the water, before posing and asking somebody to take a photo of him. So there went his mask and snorkel and another heavy fine. We'd been warned about thirty times before getting on the boat that they were expensive and that they didn't float.
One island was deserted except for a wooden hut and a few hens. I've never seen anybody more shocked and amazed by the hens than Jonny. 'Err, here man, how the fuck can hens live in Thailand? They're from England not fucking Thailand, that's fucking mental that'.
We were all tired and not really up for a night out, but we were leaving Phi Phi tomorrow so we decided to make the most of it. Six red bulls and some Changs (served by the curvy smiley (fat) waitress I later fucked). We watched more kick boxing. First fight was two kids, about 10, and they kicked shit out of each other, and the fight had to eventually get stopped. Next was even better, two girls, one was skinny and had no power in her punches, the other was like Henry's ex, a big fat shot putter, massive iron jaw and a mean right hook. Her finishing move was a swinging haymaker directly to the face, which knocked the skinny one over the top ropes and out of the ring.
Oli and his fucking entourage of birds came in. I'll not get started on him again. He looked devilishly handsome and had the girls wet at his feet.
Two birds who had been on the island tour were in the bar, and we got talking to them. We were all after one of them. She had died maroon hair, frumpy is the best way to describe her, but she looked like the type who gave a cracking blowie and would let you rim her if she could rim you first. So we all tried our luck with her and kind of cock blocked each other in doing so. I gave up. When Henry is in the game, you tend not to get the bird. Now that's not because he's special at getting birds, or particularly good looking, it's raw persistence. I've seen him offer one girl good money before back in Newcastle. He won't leave them alone and will reduce himself to such a low level to get them.
We headed to the beach, and soon things weren't making sense, and Jonny was with the red haired girl and Henry was going off with another one, and I was with Oscar trying to pick up the scraps. Imran was off with a fit blonde, who he power humped back at hers and made it back to the beach before we left.
Henry met back up with me and we went on the hunt for rat. He used one of the worst lines I've heard in a while. Two very fit girls were sitting down enjoying a drink. Henry dragged me over, his top stained with sauce from dinner, sweat on his forehead, his fat arse being exaggerated by his tight football shorts. 'Excuse me girls have you got the time, (then he faked a yawn) actually I think I'll just sit down here next to you, feet are getting a little tired (he said the last bit in a kind of yawning Deep South America voice)'. That's when I realised that Mo was the new Doctor Love. The girls got up and left, hurt by the fact that two fattys (me and Henry) thought we even stood a chance.
Jonny went off with the red hair. What happened was he started fucking her on the beach for a while, and people kept walking past and he kept losing his erection, and she got sand up her cunt which hurt them both. So they went back to hers, but thing was she was staying with this girl, who happened to be a dwarf and a lesbian, and she was protective about her mate, so as Jonny was just about to dribble out his load, this dwarf started shouting at him and scratching and hitting him with her shoes. So Jonny ran, taking some of their money and maybe jewelery and came back.
The waitress from Reggae Bar came up to me and started dancing. I was surprised. Apparently in the bar I'd told her to come and find me later. So she had done. I soon led her away. We went to a wooden fishing boat and sat in it. The tide was right out, and I told her a Tsunami was coming, which was probably a bit insensitive of me given a Tsunami had recently killed loads of Thais. She was being a bit tight with what she was willing to hand out. One of those girls who let you feed the horse, but don't return the favour. There is such a classic example of one in Newcastle, who so many of us have jabbed, but I won't name her. So I unbuttoned my pants and she looked at it for a while and put it in her mouth ('Don't just stare at it eat' I blurted out. She didn't get the joke,). It wasn't the best blowie, not toothy, just very little movement, she just dribbled on it a bit and then said we should go back.
Led her back to the hotel, and got her into bed. I took all my clothes off before she'd even sat down on the bed, and soon I was fingering her. It was making that wet squelch which always turns me on. But then she said she had to go and get changed. I figured she was bailing, so I threw my fingers up her aggressively and turned over and went to sleep.
What must have been about an hour later she was shaking me awake. She'd left and had come back in a different outfit. It was weird.
So I lay her down and took her pants off. She seemed a bit nervous, so I told her I loved her and kissed her softly. As I got down to the cunt, which smelt like a cunt (I'm not a fan of girls who's pussy smells of honey and roses, it's not pleasant, I like hair, maybe vintage, and a good strong smell, maybe a hint of piss in there). She had just that type of vagina.
'No, I have not wash today.' She said, apologetically, expecting this to deter me.
I smiled, laughed, and delved in. Pubes in my teeth, I rubbed the juices all over my face. I was ravenous. Chewing the clit, spitting, forcing four fingers up making her squeal a bit in pain, then biting her neck and legs. Was I biting her shin? That's the second shin I've bitten this summer.
(Whilst I was doing all this, Mo was on the other bed, in a cold sweat. He had a bit of a fever, and had been throwing up, and was in desperate need of sleep.)
I fucked her three times and enjoyed it. I woke up an hour later and she was gone, then in the morning she was next to me. I never understood this. She said goodbye to me, taking my name (she later added me on Facebook- she definitely wasn't the curvy smiley waitress I'd imagined).
So we got back on the boat and left Phi Phi. Back to Phuket, and more sordid adventures. Maybe if Mo had written this diary you would have a better idea of the cultural side of Thailand, or the scenery. But Mo didn't write it, and in Phuket we all enjoy some more young pros.
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